Alex Rodriguez, who will turn 40 in July, knows that he has a lot to prove in the coming baseball season. The 3-time MVP and 14-time all-star also knows that a lot of people will be rooting against him. So to do everything in his power to prepare for the 2015 baseball campaign, the steroid lightening rod, who was suspended for the entire 2014 season, is currently in the middle of a three-month internship in the synthetic testosterone division of Pfizer (ticker PFE).
According to a lab technician who worked with A-Rod when the 5-time AL home run champ started at Pfizer: “He really hit the ground running. I was shocked. Alex has a graduate school level understanding of chemistry.”
Not long after Alex started at the drug company, he was transferred, which is something the Yankees would probably love to do with Biogenesis’ best customer. Pfizer spokeswoman Crystal Toot discussed Alex’s responsibilities with Bud Fox News:
“We initially put Alex in the weight loss division. We hoped that Alex could help us to recreate the success that a competitor had with Ultra-Slim Fast. You might remember that former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda was involved in the Slim Fast marketing campaign.”
When asked why Pfizer moved A-Rod from the weight loss division, Toot gushed:
“It didn’t take long for us to realize that Alex was a natural in the lab. He knew more about pharmaceuticals and drug interactions than just about anyone in that division. We were really wasting his talent there. On top of which, he spent all his free time chatting with one of our top research scientists, Dr. Fang Wang. It was Dr. Wang who recommended Alex to what we call the ‘synth test’ group.”
When asked Dr. Wang’s area of expertise, Toot explained: “Dr. Wang is the world’s expert on the promotion of muscle growth in chickens. He has also developed anti-aging anabolics for turkeys.”
Bud Fox News’ Silence Bellows spoke with Dr. Wang about his surprising friendship with the 2-time Gold Glove champion. Dr. Wang had nothing but praise for Rodriguez:
“Let me say, outright, that I don’t know much about his baseball career. But he has such an insatiable curiosity about chemistry and the human body. And he’s so giving of his time. When we discovered that 100 doses of cutting edge poultry growth hormone were missing, Alex spent hours helping us look for it. We never found it, but that certainly wasn’t his fault, he tried so hard. Just a wonderful person.”
Bellows also spoke with the shameless John Sterling, the Yankees incoherent radio play-by-play announcer, who had dinner with Rodriguez earlier this week. Her conversation with Sterling went as follows:
Sterling: Boy, how do you like that? Alex looked absolutely fantastic. He must be in the best shape of his life. And he looks, gosh, ten, maybe fifteen years younger. You know, I’m the first member of the Yankees organization he’s seen in several months and I think he was a bit nervous.
Bellows: Nervous? Really? How so?
Sterling: Well, it’s the weirdest thing, but several times during dinner, maybe six or seven times, he’d make this weird clucking sound. It was almost bird-like, the darndest thing.”