Rutgers Football to Recruit from State Pen after Loss to Penn State

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New Jersey State Prison: The likely home to some recent, and future, Rutgers football recruits. (Photo: http://www.wikipedia.com)

Having sold its academic soul to pursue big-time television contract money when it decided to join the Big Ten conference, whose network eases the guilty conscience of each school’s president with as much as $25 million a year, Rutgers, who lost to Penn State on Saturday 28-3, now needs to hire a public relations firm to deal with the ugly aftermath of its decision. According to an article on Forbes.com:

In the last [month], seven players have been arrested. Four, including Barnwell [BFN: felicitous first name of Nadir], are charged with aggravated assault and two face armed robbery charges in connection with home invasions during April and May. The seventh player, wide receiver Leonte Carroo, is accused of slamming a woman’s head into concrete outside the Rutgers football facility. [BFN: In addition, head coach Kyle Flood has been suspended three games and fined $50,000 for improperly contacting a professor about a player’s grade.]

These arrests aren’t the result of scholar-athletes getting a bit carried away after the big game; there’s no drunk in public or public urination here, not even a DUI. On the plus side for damn-the-consequences Rutgers sports fans, the seriousness of the charges shows that the school is making a sincere effort to recruit the type of law breakers who play football and masquerade as students at the most successful college football programs (this list of “most arrested” school teams reads like a perennial top 25).

Recognizing that violent criminals often make great football players but also trying to give second chances to those who have paid their debts to society, Rutgers will fill the seven roster vacancies by creating a Football Apprenticeship Release Timetable program (“FART”) for violent but trusted felons at the New Jersey State Prison in Trenton. The program, similar to one at Florida State, will allow prisoners to leave confinement for practice and games but not to attend class (since class attendance is optional and actually discouraged at most top football schools). Continue reading

NY Mets’ Matt Harvey: ‘Dark Knight’ or ‘Lord Jim’?

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A better nickname for the Mets’ Matt Harvey might be… (Photo: http://www.mets360.com)

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…’Lord Jim.’  (photo: http://www.loyalbooks.com

Bud Fox News has learned that there’s an additional reason why New York Mets’ pitcher Matt Harvey, one of super agent Scott Boras’s meal tickets, might miss a few starts: The right-hander, an aspiring renaissance man (or so he’ll tell you) and an avid reader, has informed the team that he refuses to miss any more meetings of his weekly book club.

If you haven’t been following the Mets’ latest imbroglio…last Friday, Boras, a man who makes Bernie Madoff seem less than greedy, went on a “media blitz” to let the world know that the Mets would be putting their star pitcher in “peril” if they did not adhere to the 180-inning limit suggested by Dr. James Andrews, the man who operated on Harvey’s pitching elbow in October 2013. The next day, Harvey, who, when not pitching, brays like a donkey while paying strident lip service to being the team’s ace, came across more like a lamb when he said the following:

 I know from having 178 [BFN: he was at 166 1/3 when Boras spoke] the year before I took off, I think the whole idea was not to exceed too much more than that.

Harvey’s apparent circumspection is a far cry from the beginning of the season when he said this:

I am here to compete and do everything I can to help the team win. There is no easing into it for me. It’s a season, it’s a game, I am prepared for that. I prepared just like a normal season. My mind-set is just like it has been in the past. I am moving on from the surgery, it’s been over a year now. We’re good to go.

Then again, in a cringe-inducing August 2013 interview with Men’s Journal, Harvey, whose blowhard bona fides are unimpeachable, vomited up this rather revealing gem:

I could buy a place now, but I’ve gotta wait for that $200 million contract. If I’m going to buy an apartment, it has to be the best apartment in the city.

Having a “PhD in people,” those of us on the Bud Fox News sports desk figure the last quote probably indicates how Harvey really feels. And we don’t blame him for trying to maximize his career dollars, which means Harvey, as a Tommy John surgery survivor, needs to be careful about in-game pitch counts and seasonal innings pitched, especially since he’s not eligible for free agency until after the 2018 season. But henceforth, he’d be wise to spare his former adoring fans his laughable “I want the team on my back and the ball in my hand” act, which started as soon as he hit the majors and now rings as hollow as NY Jets’ Geno Smith’s assurances of a triumphant return.

And it is indeed ironic that Harvey and his fellow bookworms are currently working their way through Lord Jim, Joseph Conrad’s answer to insomnia, in which the narrator Marlowe regales the reader with the devastating story of the title character, a sea-faring young man who, like Harvey, daydreams of being a hero (and talks a big game) but abandons ship to save himself when the Patna appears in danger of sinking (leaving the sleeping Mecca-bound Muslim passengers to fend for themselves), much like Harvey looking to protect his golden arm with his pusillanimous innings-limit while his team valiantly tries to make the playoffs after an ignominious stretch of six consecutive losing seasons. Jim spends the rest of his life running from his act of cowardice; in somewhat similar fashion, upon realizing that Mets fans thought him a phony and a poltroon, Harvey has already attempted a 180-degree turn from his 180-frame limit, writing a half-assed volte-face on Derek Jeter’s ridiculous website, The Players’ Tribune (note Harvey’s byline, “New York City Bureau Chief”- does he think he’s J. Jonah Jameson?): Continue reading

Overconfident or Obtuse? Obama Gets Duped by Derek Jeter

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He couldn’t even negotiate a simple golf wager without giving away the store. (Photo: http://www.telegraph.co.uk)

At a fundraising event on Monday for people who have not yet tired of hearing our president engage in snide ad hominem attacks on those with whom he disagrees, Barack Obama, who has played golf 248 times since taking office, told the audience that Derek Jeter, with the help of Las Vegas Sun newspaper owner Brian Greenspun, swindled him on the golf course back in November. Here’s how the president described the con:

And it was clearly a setup, because as we got — I knew Derek, but I hadn’t played golf with him before, and as we got up to the practice range, he was shanking balls everywhere.  And I said, well, do you play golf, Derek?  He said, I just started two weeks ago.  (Laughter.)  And Brian said, yeah, I’ll be his partner — because Brian is a better golfer than me.  And we gave Derek Jeter like 30 strokes.  And then on the first tee suddenly the ball just went straight and down the middle of the fairway, and we had to take a picture of me handing Derek Jeter money at the end of it. 

Neither side of this transaction (nor its outcome) surprises us at Bud Fox News. Let’s take Jeter first. Despite a carefully cultivated and protected image, the former overrated Yankee shortstop has about as much shame as Kim Kardashian, to wit: In cooperation with Steiner Sports, he will sell you a single game-used sock for $409.99 (game-used boxer shorts and discarded deodorant stick are probably up next). This is a man who was paid $269 million in salary by the Yankees over the course of his career (and earned at least another $100 million in endorsements). So Jeter clearly isn’t in the sock-selling business for the money, but he’s doing it anyway, maybe because he’s an egomaniac and so disdainful of his fans that he thinks he’s doing them a favor by offering them a single dirty sock (not even a lousy pair) for almost half a grand. My God, after Roger Maris hit HR #61, he told fan Sal Durante, who caught the ball, to keep it and try to make some money off it. It is believed that on that record-breaking day Maris threw his used game socks in the washer, where they (and Jeter’s) belonged. In similar fashion, because he’s an egomaniac and probably disdainful of the president, Jeter is perfectly capable of playing the golf grifter to Obama’s dupe. Continue reading

Mets’ Team Doctor Incorrectly Self-Diagnoses Dysentery as “Sour Stomach”

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“Quack, quack,” go the Mets’ team physicians.

According to sources close to the New York Mets, last month a talent scout within the organization was given a top-secret assignment: Quickly and quietly travel to South Africa to evaluate a completely unknown cricket player who locals say throws so fast that only those touched by the supreme deity Unkulunkulu are willing to play wicket-keeper to his bowler. A team physician also made the trip in order to give the prospect a preliminary physical if the stories about his potential fastball proved true.

Although it’s unclear whether the cricketer was worth the trip, it’s now a badly kept secret that the doctor who made the journey has become the latest in the Mets’ long list of moronic misdiagnoses. An unnamed employee in the Mets finance department, who claims he was the only “no” vote before team owners gave Bernie Madoff a mind-blowing $500 million, told Bud Fox News: Continue reading

Pope to Play Madison Square Garden, Then Advise Jackson on Knick Player Personnel

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The Pope has described the play of last year’s Knicks as “sinful.”  (Photo: unamsanctamcatholicam.blogspot.com)

On Tuesday, June 30, the Vatican released a detailed schedule of the Pope’s upcoming visit to the United States, which will include a stop in New York City. The Vatican’s press release indicated that the leader of the Catholic Church will celebrate mass at Madison Square Garden on Friday, September 25, a venue that’s a bit of a papal departure since Popes Benedict and John Paul II opted for the larger Yankee Stadium. NYC fans of good music are hoping that the MSG Papal Mass is intended as an exorcism of sorts and will permanently expel from the premises Billy Joel, who has been defiling the arena monthly with his ungodly bad, melodramatic fare with no end in sight (tone deaf local press use the oxymoron “artist in residence” to describe the tympanum-offending arrangement).

Today the Vatican leaked why Pope Francis chose the home court of the New York Knicks for his largest NYC mass: He will meet with Phil Jackson afterward to give the Zen Master advice on how to turn around the ailing franchise, whose play last year the Pope has described as “sinful” and “a disgrace to the 2nd largest Catholic diocese in the US.”

A source within the Vatican told the sports desk at Bud Fox News: Continue reading

Stonie Roasts Chestnut to Win Nathan’s Hot-Dog-Eating Contest; Chris Christie Pulls No-Show

Joey Chestnut, left, and Matt Stonie compete in Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest men's competition Saturday July 4, 2015 in the Coney Island section in the Brooklyn borough of New York. Stonie came in first eating 62 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. Chestnut came in second eating 60 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. (AP Photo/Tina Fineberg)

Eating a duodenum-affronting 62 dogs in ten minutes, Matt “Megatoad” Stonie edged out 8-time champ Joey Chestnut. (AP Photo/Tina Fineberg)

It is as American as it gets. On this most important of days, our nation’s anniversary…there they were: On stage, four regular-looking guys (think of them as the Four Horsemen of the Esophagus given their dedication to their avocation), from various walks of life, pushing themselves past their limits, giving it everything they have, striving for greatness in front of the adoring crowd, one of them finally reaching the pinnacle of success from relative obscurity, in the process proving that in this country, hard work does indeed pay off. In this fairy tale of the American dream, there was only going to be one winner, and that was the edacious Matt “Megatoad” Stonie, who won the annual Nathan’s Hot-Dog-Eating Contest and defeated defending champion Joey Chestnut by inhaling 62 dogs in ten minutes. Chestnut, who ate 60 wieners, has nothing to be ashamed of: He held the contest’s Mustard Belt, indisputably the Holy Grail of the competitive eating circuit, for eight consecutive years, certainly putting him in the conversation for greatest athlete of all time, regardless of sport (he has been called “the Bill Russell of competitive eating“).

I trained hard for this,” Stonie told ESPN, which televised the contest earlier today, a curious move for the network because the event doesn’t glorify violence and poor sportsmanship, the promotion of which seems to be the network’s raison d’etre.

With great confidence, Bud Fox News had reported that Chris Christie would participate in today’s contest. According to sources close to Nathan’s, Christie decided to withdraw after an explosive training regimen. One of Christie’s campaign advisors, who asked to remain anonymous, told Bud Fox News: Continue reading

Clinton Foundation to Assume Control of FIFA

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To be held in 2018, the inaugural World Cup Beauty Pageant will be emceed by…Bill Clinton.   (Photo: Powerlineblog.com)

It is a match made in corruption heaven: The laughably venal and hopelessly conflicted Clinton Foundation took a break today from soliciting bribes to announce that it will assume control of FIFA, one of the few international entities that might rival Bill and Hillary’s cash machine with respect to its complete and utter lack of shame.

This past weekend, in attempt to save the scandal-plagued governing body of international soccer, the United Nations (whose “Human Rights” Council includes the following freedom-loving Arcadias: Venezuela, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Russia, Pakistan, Kuwait, Cuba and China) intervened in FIFA’s unraveling nightmare and made the appointment. The UN disclosed earlier today that the Clinton Foundation beat out a Colombian drug cartel in a close vote.

Quite naturally, Hillary Clinton was not available for comment on the announcement because ever since she was thoughtful enough to have saved the Obama administration time and taxpayer money by deleting all her innocuous State Department emails, she speaks only with press members who semi-secretly work for her campaign, a consideration that must be true because even the Huffington Post has acknowledged it.

On the other hand, Bill Clinton, who with each passing day becomes more a cross between the bullshit-spouting Foghorn Leghorn of cartoon fame and the bumbling and completely unethical Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard, couldn’t resist an opportunity to respond when asked for more detail by a bosom-heaving, mini-skirted reporter who looked more like a Vivid girl than a journalist. In the spirit of his middle-finger-brandishing “ha ha, catch me if you can” interview with Bloomberg News, the former president explained: Continue reading