Iranians Agree to Nuke Deal in Exchange for Redskins Franchise, 3 Draft Picks and Infidel to Be Named Later

Mohammad Javad Zarif

Iranian negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif is smiling for a reason: He’s haggled for a NFL franchise and .. (Photo: Pool/AP)

Tim Tebow

…might even acquire infidel Tim Tebow. (Photo: ESPN)

Screaming, “The infidel Tim Tebow is within our grasp,” chief Iranian nuclear negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif had reason to celebrate. In a brilliant gambit of brinkmanship this week, he convinced US Secretary of State John “Longface” Kerry that the Iranians were willing to walk away with no deal. Completely hoodwinked, Kerry pathetically pandered to the mullah’s obsession with the NFL in general and Tim Tebow in particular: For nothing in return, he handed them the Washington Redskins franchise along with three first-round draft picks and a player to be named later. Political pundits are speculating that the unnamed player is indeed Tebow, the genuflecting lightning rod of a lefty quarterback who won the 2007 Heisman Trophy. Professor Humperdink Fangboner, Director of the Hillary Clinton Benghazi Institute for Foreign Affairs at Eastern Southwestern Normal School, explained Kerry’s folly to Bud Fox News:

Kerry thought that he was killing two birds with one stone: one, keeping the Iranians at the negotiating table and two, finally getting rid of the pesky Redskins. Among President Obama’s supporters, the politically correct sticklers have wanted him to do something about the team’s name for a while. Kerry has assured everyone that the name will be changed to the Tehran Bombers for the start of the upcoming season. The mullahs love this deal because they are fixated on Tebow and think it will be demoralizing for millions of US football fans to see Tebow in a uniform that features the mushroom cloud logo of the Bombers. 

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From the Loony Bin…

Lock these people up

Lock these people up…

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel

Ghost of James Buchanan Thanks President Obama, Then Breathes Sigh of Relief

Buchanan

President James Buchanan:  No longer the cellar dweller?

Dr. Laird Spectre of the Paranormal Institute has determined that the ghost of James Buchanan has breathed a sigh of relief.  Spectre claims that he has incontrovertible proof of an encounter with the former President.  Dr. Spectre told Bud Fox News:  “It was an extraordinary meeting.  Mr. Buchanan’s ghost told me that he had been relieved of a great weight.  You see, most ghosts appear among us because, well, in practical terms, they have some sort of unfinished business or regret.  I asked what had happened to finally bring him peace.  He said he couldn’t rest as long as he was known as the worst president in United States history.  But he said that after 153 long and tortured years, he can finally sleep.  When he saw the opening skit on Saturday Night Live last weekend, he knew he was in the clear.  He asked me to thank President Obama.” Continue reading

Obama Appoints White House Chef with No Kitchen Experience

White House chef

Obama White House: No experience necessary?

In a move that has critics questioning his judgment, President Obama announced this afternoon that he has selected a woman with no kitchen experience whatsoever as the next White House executive chef.  The president’s pick, Bambina Broccoli, 34, is a resident of Pennington, New Jersey, where she works as a real estate agent.  Bud Fox News tracked down Ms Broccoli at Weidel Realtors, where she summed up her reaction to the news:  “I’m shocked.  I didn’t even realize that I was under consideration.  To be honest, I’m not much of a cook.  I don’t think I’ve turned on my oven in the last six months.”  When asked whether she was worried about not being qualified, Ms Broccoli said, “I guess a little bit.  Do you think the president made some sort of mistake because of my last name?” Continue reading

North Korean Leader Returns from Six-week US Holiday

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Where to today, Ted?

Kim Jong-un has returned home and reported for duty according to sources in Pyongyang. The secretive leader had not shown up to work in about six weeks causing a flurry of speculation as to his health and whereabouts.

Bud Fox News has long had “an asset” close to the reclusive leader who spoke to us at length detailing the itinerary of a plushy tour the sybaritic playboy took across America stopping in at Hugh Hefner’s mansion and attending a fund raiser with Jeffrey Katzenberg in Los Angeles, then hitting a round of golf in Palm Springs with President Obama on his way to a riotous weekend in Las Vegas. From there the Dear Leader took in some country living during a week in Montana at Ted Turner’s Flying D ranch, where the two reportedly enjoyed trout fishing and spent several long afternoons on horseback together.

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