Iranians Agree to Nuke Deal in Exchange for Redskins Franchise, 3 Draft Picks and Infidel to Be Named Later

Mohammad Javad Zarif

Iranian negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif is smiling for a reason: He’s haggled for a NFL franchise and .. (Photo: Pool/AP)

Tim Tebow

…might even acquire infidel Tim Tebow. (Photo: ESPN)

Screaming, “The infidel Tim Tebow is within our grasp,” chief Iranian nuclear negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif had reason to celebrate. In a brilliant gambit of brinkmanship this week, he convinced US Secretary of State John “Longface” Kerry that the Iranians were willing to walk away with no deal. Completely hoodwinked, Kerry pathetically pandered to the mullah’s obsession with the NFL in general and Tim Tebow in particular: For nothing in return, he handed them the Washington Redskins franchise along with three first-round draft picks and a player to be named later. Political pundits are speculating that the unnamed player is indeed Tebow, the genuflecting lightning rod of a lefty quarterback who won the 2007 Heisman Trophy. Professor Humperdink Fangboner, Director of the Hillary Clinton Benghazi Institute for Foreign Affairs at Eastern Southwestern Normal School, explained Kerry’s folly to Bud Fox News:

Kerry thought that he was killing two birds with one stone: one, keeping the Iranians at the negotiating table and two, finally getting rid of the pesky Redskins. Among President Obama’s supporters, the politically correct sticklers have wanted him to do something about the team’s name for a while. Kerry has assured everyone that the name will be changed to the Tehran Bombers for the start of the upcoming season. The mullahs love this deal because they are fixated on Tebow and think it will be demoralizing for millions of US football fans to see Tebow in a uniform that features the mushroom cloud logo of the Bombers. 

Peter Minuit supposedly bought the island of Manhattan from the Lenape Indians for goods worth about 60 guilders at the time (or somewhere around $10,000 in current terms). Zarif may have pulled off just as elegant a swindle since it’s unclear exactly what he’s given up in his accord with Longface. Some aspects of the deal are just plain embarrassing. For example, as late as 2012, President Obama said,

We know they don’t need to have an underground, fortified facility like Fordo in order to have a peaceful program.

Of course, the secret Fordo facility, which was discovered by US spies (not disclosed by our new, supposed forthright friends), will remain open. Another puzzler is the timing (and semantics) of the whole arrangement. Yesterday, the President made a statement about the “framework” agreement that included the following passage:

Today, estimates indicate that Iran is only two or three months away from potentially acquiring the raw materials that could be used for a single nuclear bomb.

That time frame is interesting: This “deal” is supposed to be finalized in three months on June 30, so maybe Zarif will show up to the signing with a suitcase nuke (check your bag, sir?). It’s appropriate that the President delivered his craven, Chamberlain-esque remarks yesterday in the Rose Garden because there’s a song written by Joe South called “Rose Garden,” a version of which was popular in the early 1970s. Considering how egregiously this quisling of a president seems to have jettisoned his supposed commitment to our national defense with this pact, the song’s lyrics are instructive:

I could sing you a tune and promise you the moon
But if that’s what it takes to hold you I’d just as soon let you go
But there’s one thing I want you to know
You’d better look before you leap still waters run deep
And there won’t always be someone there to pull you out
And you know what I’m talking about

In a possible portent of things to come, the Bud Fox News’ sports desk has learned that the Tehran Bombers NFL team (not to be confused with other Tehran bombers) will use this grammatically challenged rallying cry:

The Iranian Bombers: We erase our opponents off the map, just like Israel!


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