North Korean Leader Returns from Six-week US Holiday

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Where to today, Ted?

Kim Jong-un has returned home and reported for duty according to sources in Pyongyang. The secretive leader had not shown up to work in about six weeks causing a flurry of speculation as to his health and whereabouts.

Bud Fox News has long had “an asset” close to the reclusive leader who spoke to us at length detailing the itinerary of a plushy tour the sybaritic playboy took across America stopping in at Hugh Hefner’s mansion and attending a fund raiser with Jeffrey Katzenberg in Los Angeles, then hitting a round of golf in Palm Springs with President Obama on his way to a riotous weekend in Las Vegas. From there the Dear Leader took in some country living during a week in Montana at Ted Turner’s Flying D ranch, where the two reportedly enjoyed trout fishing and spent several long afternoons on horseback together.

Kim then sojourned two weeks with his old friend Dennis Rodman in Florida where they spent late nights drinking whiskey, playing fusbol, X-Box and World of Warcraft. The pair also discussed plans for Rodman to move to Pyongyang to act as Messr. Kim’s special envoy to the U.N. while also taking the lead in forming the North’s first professional basketball league.

The trip concluded with Kim stowing away incognito on a South Korean Tour Bus visiting Civil War sites before making a final stop at the White House where he spent four days and three nights as President Obama’s guest before taking a red-eye home. The two leaders were “remarkably chummy”, logging hours listening to hip-hop and smoking Cohiba Cubans. They were heard role-playing press conferences and planning Kim’s next round of erratic brinksmanship behavior.

When asked why Kim took the unexpected and unexplained extended leave of absence, our source could only guess: “I think the drudgery of dictatorship was getting to him. The endless parades, the perpetual photo ops, the constant need to look at things. It’s a lot of pressure for a young man who was doing nothing but flipping skin mags and sipping whiskey until his father died. The truth is, he had his uncle capped when he didn’t laugh at one of his tasteless jokes. If he didn’t have this break, we’d all be in deep kimchi.”

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I’m sick of this…

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