Campus police at Florida State University were so overjoyed to learn that controversial quarterback Jameis Winston will not be returning for his junior year that they will throw him a farewell party on March 15. Said Officer Justin Case, “It’s gonna be such a load off our backs. It’s been nonstop since the suspect…I mean…this young man got to Tallahassee. He is a one-man police blotter.”
According to sources within the campus police department, the party will have everything attendees would naturally expect from a celebration held in Winston’s honor: The evenings’s entertainment will include:
- Pellet-gun squirrel-shooting contest
- BB-gun cops & robbers competition
- Soda fountain 50 yard dash
- Crab grab & carry
- Multiple Tourette syndrome-like outbursts from the guest of honor
- Moaning undergraduate women
Sergeant Charles Daly told Bud Fox News’ Silence Bellows that the campus police swung into action as soon as Winston announced he’d go pro:
The individual in question declared for the NFL draft on January 5. From earlier investigations, we knew that the perp’s…sorry…Mr. Winston’s hometown was Bessemer, Alabama. So using an old warrant to inspect his apartment, Officers Heckler & Koch entered the individual’s residence, packed up his things, and shipped them back to his home town. This happened within an hour of Winston’s announcement.
When asked his personal opinion of Winston, Officer Daly was a bit wistful:
I’ll be a little sad to see him go. It’ll get real quiet around here. And since he showed up, I’ve logged a ton of overtime pay.