Campus police at Florida State University were so overjoyed to learn that controversial quarterback Jameis Winston will not be returning for his junior year that they will throw him a farewell party on March 15. Said Officer Justin Case, “It’s gonna be such a load off our backs. It’s been nonstop since the suspect…I mean…this young man got to Tallahassee. He is a one-man police blotter.”
According to sources within the campus police department, the party will have everything attendees would naturally expect from a celebration held in Winston’s honor: The evenings’s entertainment will include:
- Pellet-gun squirrel-shooting contest
- BB-gun cops & robbers competition
- Pin-the-tail-on-the-sexual-assault-investigator
- Soda fountain 50 yard dash
- Crab grab & carry
- Multiple Tourette syndrome-like outbursts from the guest of honor
- Moaning undergraduate women