Florida State University

FSU campus police are so glad to see this guy go…

…they’ve decided to throw him a bon voyage party.

Campus police at Florida State University were so overjoyed to learn that controversial quarterback Jameis Winston will not be returning for his junior year that they will throw him a farewell party on March 15. Said Officer Justin Case, “It’s gonna be such a load off our backs. It’s been nonstop since the suspect…I mean…this young man got to Tallahassee. He is a one-man police blotter.”

According to sources within the campus police department, the party will have everything attendees would naturally expect from a celebration held in Winston’s honor: The evenings’s entertainment will include:

Pellet-gun squirrel-shooting contest
BB-gun cops & robbers competition
Pin-the-tail-on-the-sexual-assault-investigator
Soda fountain 50 yard dash
Crab grab & carry
Multiple Tourette syndrome-like outbursts from the guest of honor
Moaning undergraduate women

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Jubal Johnson in the gym. His good behavior forced the Seminoles to cut ties with him.

Jubal Early Johnson, 17, is more than just a student at Dudley M. Du Bose High School, not far from the Appomattox Court House in Appomattox, Virginia. A remarkably agile big man, the 6’5, 295-pound defensive tackle just might be the crown jewel of the 2015 college football recruiting class. The five-star prospect has received scholarship offers from major programs like Alabama, Oregon, TCU, Ohio State, Georgia, Virginia, Clemson, and Nebraska. After much consideration, Johnson committed to Florida State University last month. But yesterday, in a strange turn of events, Florida State’s Athletic Department announced that it has withdrawn its scholarship offer to Johnson because of a “troubling pattern of good behavior.”

Florida State football coach Jimbo Fisher told Bud Fox News:

“The final straw really came this weekend. We learned that Jubal attended a keg party at a high school friend’s house. The kid didn’t have a drop of alcohol. He didn’t mistreat any of the girls attending the party. He actually broke up a fight. And get this, at the end of the night, he gave rides to all his friends who were too drunk to drive. There’s no place for that kind of behavior at Florida State. We have a reputation to maintain.” Continue reading →