In a shocking, if not terribly surprising development, Bud Fox News has learned that Republican party leaders and key heavyweight donors are coming to a consensus that Benjamin Netanyahu, the current Israeli prime minister, will be the party’s “establishment” candidate for the 2016 US presidential election. The news comes in the wake of the unprecedented access Messr. Netanyahu has been granted to the US legislative bodies, highlighted by the invitation from Republicans to give a prime-time address to a joint session of Congress on March 3, 2015. It’s unclear how this late-breaking news will affect his chances of re-election as Israeli’s hit the polls today to elect a new prime minister.
Many political observers question the move and some are alarmed by this bold extension of Israeli meddling in US affairs. “You thought the tail was wagging the dog before- you ain’t seen nothing yet”, one senior Obama administration official observed.
According to sources, Republican party leaders began seriously considering Netanyahu after frankly assessing their chances with the emerging field of candidates from Jeb Bush to Chris Christie to Scott Walker, and others. “After some informal straw polling and dozens of focus groups it was evident we don’t have shit to run on” said a senior Republican strategist. “Nobody wants a dynastic third Bush presidency. Chris Christie is a loose cannon perceived as Dr. Evil by commuters everywhere, and the rest of the would-be contenders just can’t span the massive width of the party platform from tea-partiers to fiscal conservatives to evangelicals. We were feeling hopeless and then it just hit us in the face like the smell of old gefilte fish: Netanyahu is the skeleton key that opens every door in this election.”
When asked about potential legal hurdles, Republican insiders seemed unphased. One tea party PAC chief said, “Look, Obama wasn’t born in this country and he got elected. And we’ve proven we can do an end run around the administration- inviting Bibi to speak to congress was just a test. Now we have to take the case directly to the American people, and we like our chances.”
He may be right. Reached for comment, Karl Rove the long-time Republican strategist and George W. Bush advisor had this to say:
“Bibi 2016 is probably the single most brilliant move we’ve made since the 1860 Republican National Convention made Lincoln the party’s nominee. Think about it. With the power and influence of the Israel lobby, this thing’s a lock. They practically own congress, having contributed over $56 million to more than 2,400 candidates since 1978. And consider this: Americans continue to lavish Israel with huge sums- giving the tiny country over $3 billion in aid every year (over $121 billion since the state’s founding) and supplying a quarter of the country’s defense budget in recent years. It makes little sense in terms of our national interest, but they already run most of the country behind the scenes so why not make it official with an Israeli US president? Every faction of our party can support this guy for one reason or another. And the dems won’t be able to run attack ads on us without earning the wrath of the Anti-Defamation League. They’ll be completely hamstrung. I can’t see how they run even one negative ad without being labeled Holocaust deniers and bigots. We’ll get this ‘Yahu elected, no problem”
Mr. Rove makes some very good points. Come January 2016, we might be swearing-in our president for the first time with his hand on the Torah. Mazel Tov!