Clinton Foundation to Assume Control of FIFA


To be held in 2018, the inaugural World Cup Beauty Pageant will be emceed by…Bill Clinton.   (Photo:

It is a match made in corruption heaven: The laughably venal and hopelessly conflicted Clinton Foundation took a break today from soliciting bribes to announce that it will assume control of FIFA, one of the few international entities that might rival Bill and Hillary’s cash machine with respect to its complete and utter lack of shame.

This past weekend, in attempt to save the scandal-plagued governing body of international soccer, the United Nations (whose “Human Rights” Council includes the following freedom-loving Arcadias: Venezuela, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Russia, Pakistan, Kuwait, Cuba and China) intervened in FIFA’s unraveling nightmare and made the appointment. The UN disclosed earlier today that the Clinton Foundation beat out a Colombian drug cartel in a close vote.

Quite naturally, Hillary Clinton was not available for comment on the announcement because ever since she was thoughtful enough to have saved the Obama administration time and taxpayer money by deleting all her innocuous State Department emails, she speaks only with press members who semi-secretly work for her campaign, a consideration that must be true because even the Huffington Post has acknowledged it.

On the other hand, Bill Clinton, who with each passing day becomes more a cross between the bullshit-spouting Foghorn Leghorn of cartoon fame and the bumbling and completely unethical Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard, couldn’t resist an opportunity to respond when asked for more detail by a bosom-heaving, mini-skirted reporter who looked more like a Vivid girl than a journalist. In the spirit of his middle-finger-brandishing “ha ha, catch me if you can” interview with Bloomberg News, the former president explained:

This merger rivals mine with Monica Lewinsky or Gennifer Flowers. These fellas, Sepp Blatter and Michael Blazer of FIFA, they’re our kind of people. [We wrote about the inimitable Mr. Blazer here]. But let me just point out that this isn’t a merger of equals. The Clinton Foundation will administer FIFA. We will be in charge. Those people are pretty good at what they do. But we can teach them a thing or two because, well, they got caught.

Asked to speculate on how smooth the transition to Clinton control will be for FIFA, Charles Faux-Pas Bidet, Professor of Organizational Behavior at Trenton Christian Normal School, Director of the James L. Dolan Smart Ownership Institute, and author of the award-winning Going, Going, Gone, an in-depth study of the New York Mets’ payroll, had this to say:

One of my former PhD students, who’s now at the Sharpton Institute for Political Ethics, has written a ground-breaking paper on what he calls the Corruptional Neutrality Principle. He proposes that when two dirty-dealing entities combine, quite often the influence-peddling cancels out, and you’re left with, well, nothing, because neither place knows how to do anything but put its collective hand out. So this will be a good test case: If my former student is right, then Clinton/FIFA should vanish off the face of the earth because it’s nothing more than a giant three-card monte dealer.

According to a Clinton Foundation spokesperson, once under new management, FIFA will accept bribes denominated in Bitcoin.




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