Porn Star Ron Jeremy Tapped to Head American Apparel

Jeremy: “I’m here to help.”

American Apparel (ticker APP) today announced that porn star Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy, patron saint of raincoaters everywhere, will replace interim CEO (and turnaround expert) Scott Brubaker. Tracked down on the set of his latest film, Clown Porn: The Parody II, Jeremy told Bud Fox News, “I’m excited about this opportunity. As Allan knows, I really want to stick it to the competition, and if possible, also do an IR DP on them.” Jeremy added that he likes his chances to accomplish the latter, which, the Hedgehog clarified, is an obscure, racially-integrative maneuver probably known to some victims of ex-CEO Dov Charney’s touchy-feely managerial style.

According to the New York Post, which has been all over this story like, well, a reverse cowgirl: “In June, [co-chairman of the board Allan] Mayer led a board coup against Charney that accused him of ‘willful misconduct,’ charging that he failed to prevent an employee from posting nude pictures online of an ex-American Apparel worker who had accused Charney of sex harassment.”

When asked to explain the board’s thinking on Jeremy’s appointment, Mayer said, “For a while the company was successful with a CEO who was a complete sexual degenerate, Dov Charney, as you know. We didn’t mind the sex slave accusations against Dov, we could handle that. The problem was that Dov looked too much like Eliot Spitzer, and the board didn’t want the company associated with that guy in any way. With Ron, we probably get twice the degeneracy, and he comes cheap. His package is mainly stock options.”

Investors seem happy with the new CEO choice. Said one industry insider, “For a company that once added pubic hair to its store-window mannequins, Ron Jeremy seems like an inspired choice.”