Separated at Birth: FIFA Scoundrel Chuck Blazer and UVa Professor R. Edward Freeman

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Was Chuck Blazer, shown here giving a thumbs up to corruption with FIFA President Sepp Blatter, leading a double life…  (Photo: Frank May/European Pressphoto Agency)

University of Virginia Darden School of Business MBA Program

…as Professor R. Edward Freeman of UVa’s Darden School of Business?  (Photo: http://www.darden.virginia.edu/)

Question: Has thoroughly unscrupulous former FIFA executive committee member/bribe-taker/wire-wearer Chuck Blazer been leading an ironic double life as the erudite R. Edward Freeman, Professor at UVa’s Darden School of Business, author of the definitive and award-winning Strategic Management: A Stakeholder Approach, and, of all things, Academic Director of the Business Roundtable Institute for Corporate Ethics?

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Iranians Agree to Nuke Deal in Exchange for Redskins Franchise, 3 Draft Picks and Infidel to Be Named Later

Mohammad Javad Zarif

Iranian negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif is smiling for a reason: He’s haggled for a NFL franchise and .. (Photo: Pool/AP)

Tim Tebow

…might even acquire infidel Tim Tebow. (Photo: ESPN)

Screaming, “The infidel Tim Tebow is within our grasp,” chief Iranian nuclear negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif had reason to celebrate. In a brilliant gambit of brinkmanship this week, he convinced US Secretary of State John “Longface” Kerry that the Iranians were willing to walk away with no deal. Completely hoodwinked, Kerry pathetically pandered to the mullah’s obsession with the NFL in general and Tim Tebow in particular: For nothing in return, he handed them the Washington Redskins franchise along with three first-round draft picks and a player to be named later. Political pundits are speculating that the unnamed player is indeed Tebow, the genuflecting lightning rod of a lefty quarterback who won the 2007 Heisman Trophy. Professor Humperdink Fangboner, Director of the Hillary Clinton Benghazi Institute for Foreign Affairs at Eastern Southwestern Normal School, explained Kerry’s folly to Bud Fox News:

Kerry thought that he was killing two birds with one stone: one, keeping the Iranians at the negotiating table and two, finally getting rid of the pesky Redskins. Among President Obama’s supporters, the politically correct sticklers have wanted him to do something about the team’s name for a while. Kerry has assured everyone that the name will be changed to the Tehran Bombers for the start of the upcoming season. The mullahs love this deal because they are fixated on Tebow and think it will be demoralizing for millions of US football fans to see Tebow in a uniform that features the mushroom cloud logo of the Bombers. 

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Separated at Birth: UNC’s Roy Williams, Countrywide’s Angelo Mozilo

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LET THE FEEL OF THE WHEEL SEAL THE DEAL: Both UNC’s Roy Williams….  (Photo: http://www.unca.edu)

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…and former Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo should be hawking used cars.  (Photo: Countrywide Financial)

Bud Fox News asks: Who had/has the tougher job- Williams or Mozilo? The latter makes a strong case: The former Chairman/CEO of Countrywide Financial and the tanned face of the housing crisis, Mozilo turned his company into the three-card monte dealer of the housing disaster, dishing out fraudulent mortgages to unqualified homebuyers at a pace that would embarrass even the sleaziest of liquor store owners peddling MD 20/20 and Wild Irish Rose to those who can’t say no to another round.

Then again, Williams is no slouch: The men’s basketball coach at “Public Ivy” University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill since 2003, whose tan sometimes rivals Mozilo’s, turned a blind eye to an academic scandal of almost Countrywide proportion, in which at least hundreds of football and basketball student-athletes were supposedly funneled through the African American Studies Department where their transcripts were rubber-stamped with grades at least good enough to maintain the athletes’ eligibility. Erstwhile Tar Heel Rashad McCants was a short-term beneficiary of the scam. According to the Sporting News: Continue reading

Citing Academic Issues, Calipari Weighs Pulling Wildcats out of NCAA Tourney

Calipari

He didn’t say it but could have: “The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.”  (Quotation: Herbert Spencer, Photo: theclassical.org, )

Showing why he is clearly the anti-Jim Boeheim of college sports, coach John Calipari, in remarks after his team’s 78-39 dismantling of the West Virginia Mountaineers, admitted to Bud Fox News that he is considering taking his undefeated University of Kentucky team out of the NCAA tournament because of possible academic misconduct by several team members. Exhibiting the zero tolerance policy that he originated while coaching at UMass (his team’s 1996 Final Four appearance has been erased from the books because his star player took about $40K in cash and gifts, including the “ministrations of a prostitute“), but no doubt perfected at the University of Memphis, where his 2007-2008 team was stripped of all its wins, coach Calipari revealed that the potential misbehavior centers around an interdisciplinary independent study on which at least five players were collaborating. The challenging custom-made coursework incorporates material from four actual classes at the university:

  • LIS 611 Critical Analysis of Children’s Literature (affectionately known on campus as “Wildcat in the Hat”),
  • MAS 435 The History of Video Games and the Industry (also known as “GamerGut”),
  • GWS 610 Women and “Madness” (aka “Crazy Bitches”), and
  • Com 314 The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and Relationships (aka “21st Century Bunny Boilers”).

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Source: Cleveland Browns Tricked Manziel into Rehab

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Johnny Football thinks he’s checked into rehab for a hamstring injury.  (Photo: Deadspin)

The Cleveland Browns organization has gone public with a reasonable story:  Johnny Manziel, in an uncharacteristic encounter with maturity, raised his hand and volunteered to enter rehab.  The truth might be a little different.  A team source tells Bud Fox News that Manziel was duped into going:

We tricked him, flat out.  He’s so pickled in alcohol right now, we could have told him that we traded him to the Toronto Maple Leafs and he would have believed it.  He had a hamstring injury at the end of the year, so we just told him that in the NFL, unlike college, you do off-season rehab for a hammie at an undisclosed live-in facility.  Then we told him that while he was there, he’d be so loaded up with muscle relaxers that he wouldn’t be able to drink.  He didn’t fight it that much, especially after we mentioned the painkillers.  Of course, they’re gonna be placebos and we’ve got a hot physical therapist visiting him once a day to keep him fooled.    

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Additional Jay Cutler Text Message Leaked

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In a state of parental panic, Cutler sent his wife an anxious text.  She responded sympathetically.

Jay Cutler

Cutler displays his typical, affable expression. (Photo: Dennis Wierzbicki/US Presswire) 

As reported this week just about everywhere, Jay Cutler’s wife, former reality-TV star Kristin Cavallari, had some fun at his expense by posting an Instagram photo of a text message from a frantic Cutler, who was apparently home alone with their two children and in need of spousal support.  Bud Fox News has learned that a least one additional Cutler text has leaked, this one to quarterback Mark Sanchez, who started the Philadelphia Eagles final eight games in place of injured first-stringer Nick Foles but is now a free agent.  Here is the wording of the message:

Mark, need u in Chi asap
All hell has broken loose
I threw too many picks
am overpaid
and I hate these people
I want to leave

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Marshawn Lynch to Establish Sign Language School for Deaf Children

Marshawn Lynch

Students at Marshawn Academy will be taught the founder’s signature crotch-grabbing signal, which means “I have to go to the bathroom.”

elementary school student

At Marshawn Academy, students like this young man will learn the new way to signal for a bathroom break.

Marshawn Lynch has announced that he will establish Marshawn Academy, a state-of-the-art sign language school for deaf children.  “The Marshawn Academy will break new ground in the education of deaf students.  The crotch-grabbing hand signal that I demonstrated recently against the Packers really just covers the tip of the toothpick,” said Lynch at a press conference this morning where he announced that he will endow the school with 12 monthly contributions of $131,050 for a total of $1,572,600.  Not without a sense of humor, Lynch said he chose that installment figure because it’s how much he’s been fined by the NFL since the start of the 2014 season.  Of the figure Lynch said, “My accountant and I couldn’t figure out my total career fines and forfeited salary, so I just went with this year.”

Lynch has hired Honor B. Lowd, currently chief administrator of the Auditory Oral School of Trenton, to be his institute’s first principal.  When reached for comment, Ms Lowd told Bud Fox News, “Whenever Marshawn is forced to speak with the press, his fans get to see that he is a master of non-verbal communication.  That’s why I’m so excited to be involved with this project.  The Marshawn Academy will use cutting edge pedagogic techniques with respect to deaf education.  For example, our instructors will develop lesson plans around things that have actually happened in Marshawn’s life.  And Marshawn will be involved in coursework development.  After all, he is a Cal Berkeley man.”  Although still a work in progress, the curriculum will include the following: Continue reading