In a cost- and possibly life-saving move, the Department of Homeland Security has decided to replace the Secret Service with the Sigma Chi Fraternity. Elsie Pistolhead, spokesperson for Homeland Security, assured Bud Fox News that the transition to an all Greek protection force would be the Department’s top priority for the next several weeks:
This will be a competitive process. These jobs won’t just be given away. The Sigma Chi men selected must demonstrate the ability to do the following:
- go under cover to ferret out hard-to-find prostitutes conducting business in Latin America,
- operate motor vehicles after the enemy has forced intoxicants upon them,
- ensure that all White House doors are unlocked to allow easy entry for curious, knife-wielding citizen-visitors, and
- arrange for the president to spend quality time, in close quarters, with armed citizens who are ex-convicts.
The Secret Service currently employs about 6,800 people while Sigma Chi has just under 16,000 members currently enrolled in colleges across the country. When asked what will happen to those Sigma Chi’s who are unable to pass the Secret Service’s exacting standards, Ms Pistolhead explained:
Those not selected for Secret Service who display working knowledge of beer bongs as well as beer-can shotgunning ability will be transitioned into the Transportation Security Administration’s training program. However, those who can execute a financial transaction with a ho in a foreign language will be given the option to go to the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency.
Considering that TSA screeners have gone so far as to overlook AK-47 clips in a man’s luggage, the men of Sigma Chi will probably be an upgrade.