US Secret Service to Be Replaced by Sigma Chi Fraternity

Beer bong

Sigma Chis hoping to represent the US Secret Service will have to demonstrate more than mere mastery of a beer bong. (Picture: http://snowboarding.transworld.net/)

In a cost- and possibly life-saving move, the Department of Homeland Security has decided to replace the Secret Service with the Sigma Chi Fraternity. Elsie Pistolhead, spokesperson for Homeland Security, assured Bud Fox News that the transition to an all Greek protection force would be the Department’s top priority for the next several weeks:

This will be a competitive process. These jobs won’t just be given away. The Sigma Chi men selected must demonstrate the ability to do the following:

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