Marshawn Lynch has announced that he will establish Marshawn Academy, a state-of-the-art sign language school for deaf children. “The Marshawn Academy will break new ground in the education of deaf students. The crotch-grabbing hand signal that I demonstrated recently against the Packers really just covers the tip of the toothpick,” said Lynch at a press conference this morning where he announced that he will endow the school with 12 monthly contributions of $131,050 for a total of $1,572,600. Not without a sense of humor, Lynch said he chose that installment figure because it’s how much he’s been fined by the NFL since the start of the 2014 season. Of the figure Lynch said, “My accountant and I couldn’t figure out my total career fines and forfeited salary, so I just went with this year.”
Lynch has hired Honor B. Lowd, currently chief administrator of the Auditory Oral School of Trenton, to be his institute’s first principal. When reached for comment, Ms Lowd told Bud Fox News, “Whenever Marshawn is forced to speak with the press, his fans get to see that he is a master of non-verbal communication. That’s why I’m so excited to be involved with this project. The Marshawn Academy will use cutting edge pedagogic techniques with respect to deaf education. For example, our instructors will develop lesson plans around things that have actually happened in Marshawn’s life. And Marshawn will be involved in coursework development. After all, he is a Cal Berkeley man.” Although still a work in progress, the curriculum will include the following:
- Students will be taught how to convey in sign language that they didn’t intend to flee the scene of an accident that they’ve caused. This class is based on Lynch’s May 2008 hit-and-run accident for which he pleaded guilty to failure to exercise due care toward a pedestrian and had his license revoked.
- Each Student will be shown how to explain via sign language why the student is carrying a gun in his/her car. This course is based on Lynch’s February 2009 arrest for which he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor charges and was suspended three games by the NFL.
- Students will learn how to use slippery non-verbal methods to avoid a DUI trial by copping to a reckless driving charge. This seminar is based on Lynch’s July 2012 arrest, during which he recorded a .08 blood-alcohol level on a field sobriety test.
- Using sign language and white boards, students will participate in mock press conferences. They will learn that if they respond to questions with one-word answers (“Yeah”) or with non sequiturs, a reasonable person might conclude that they are either drug-damaged, early-stage schizophrenic or both. A follow-up class will teach students that if, in subsequent interviews, they answer 30 questions with “I’m here so I won’t get fined,” the drug damage/incipient-mental-illness/just-plain-asshole theories will only gain traction. Coursework here is based on Lynch’s bizarre post-game interview on November 23 and his even more rancid performance at today’s Super Bowl media day.
- Students will learn the value of appropriate footwear, as the dress code will require either gold-colored or Skittles-themed shoes.
According to Ms Lowd, no classes are currently being developed that would emphasize non-verbal ways to demonstrate good sportsmanship.