Showing why he is clearly the anti-Jim Boeheim of college sports, coach John Calipari, in remarks after his team’s 78-39 dismantling of the West Virginia Mountaineers, admitted to Bud Fox News that he is considering taking his undefeated University of Kentucky team out of the NCAA tournament because of possible academic misconduct by several team members. Exhibiting the zero tolerance policy that he originated while coaching at UMass (his team’s 1996 Final Four appearance has been erased from the books because his star player took about $40K in cash and gifts, including the “ministrations of a prostitute“), but no doubt perfected at the University of Memphis, where his 2007-2008 team was stripped of all its wins, coach Calipari revealed that the potential misbehavior centers around an interdisciplinary independent study on which at least five players were collaborating. The challenging custom-made coursework incorporates material from four actual classes at the university:
- LIS 611 Critical Analysis of Children’s Literature (affectionately known on campus as “Wildcat in the Hat”),
- MAS 435 The History of Video Games and the Industry (also known as “GamerGut”),
- GWS 610 Women and “Madness” (aka “Crazy Bitches”), and
- Com 314 The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and Relationships (aka “21st Century Bunny Boilers”).
Always a gentlemen, Calipari, who once warmly referred to Newark Star-Ledger reporter Dan Garcia as a “f—ing Mexican idiot,” refused to go into detail, saying that it would be unfair to those involved to further discuss the matter until an investigation was completed in a few days. Sources close to the team have told Bud Fox News that an academic advisor has reason to believe that team members submitted a paper on Winnie-the-Pooh that was actually written by a fourth grader at Stonewall Elementary School in Lexington, Kentucky.
When reached by phone late last night and asked about the Pooh Bear angle, Calipari’s response was nothing if not predictable: Before gently hanging up, he told Bud Fox News:
You people are f—ing idiots.