From the Loony Bin: Janet Yellen and Her Big Mouth, Etc…

Posted on May 5, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Federal Reserve’s Janet Yellen:

…I tawt I leaked an intwest wate!

Bud’s round-up of Daily Drivel:

Fed Head or Blockhead? Federal Reserve chair Yellen admits that she met with firm that leaked Fed info. (Reuters)
What the Huck? Mike Huckabee is running for president. (Yahoo)
Mother Fracker: Greenlight’s David Einhorn denounces US frackers as money losers at the Sohn Investment Conference. (Fortune)
Lies, damned lies, and statistics: A jaundiced view of this Friday’s jobs report. (NY Post)
Where’s the beef? Investors are not impressed with McDonald’s turnaround plans. (USA Today)
Bill-paying Bill: Hillary Clinton’s husband demonstrates that he probably won’t be much help on the campaign trail. (Breitbart)
Socialism 1, baseball 0: MLB talent scouts are pulling up stakes in Venezuela. (PowerLine)
¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo! That’s Spanish for “Have another Margarita.” Here’s why the US celebrates. (USA Today)

Al Sharpton Tapped as New IRS Commissioner

Posted on May 1, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Despite his occasional struggles with the English language (see video above), the Reverend Sharpton’s message to anyone planning on cutting corners with his or her Form 1040 will be quite clear: Pay up because I know all your dirty tricks!

In a magnificent move that nicely concludes yet another glorious tax season for the rapacious federal government, the Obama administration has tapped tax deadbeat, race hustler, and frequent White House visitor Al Sharpton as new IRS Commissioner, replacing John Koskinen, who was certainly one of the smuggest and most obnoxious federal bureaucrats in recent memory. Perched in fat-cat fashion, despite his trimmer frame of recent years, at the money-making intersection of race and religion, Sharpton will burnish the street-smart credentials of the Obama administration, typically home to incompetent, looks-good-on-paper types like Janet “Big Sis” Napolitano, whom the Rev could outfox blindfolded.

Asked for comment on the appointment, DeFred Goo Folts, Professor of Public Policy at the Newark (Delaware) State Normal School of Liberal Arts, Director of the Nixonian Institute for Governmental Ethics, and author of the superb, Pulitzer-nominated Sharpton bio The Reverend and the God Almighty…Dollar, told Bud Fox News: Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: 1Q GDP up 0.2% on Annualized Basis, Etc…

Posted on April 29, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

0.2% “growth” vs an expected 1%: The Federal Reserve speaks after lackluster 1Q GDP number. (Reuters)
Ben Bernanke cashes in: First hedge fund Citadel hires him, now PIMCO. (WSJ)
Fusion and MKZ owners, beware: Ford recalls almost 600,000 North American vehicles. (Detroit Free Press)
An education in corruption: A university hired Bill Clinton while Hillary steered State Dept grants to its non-profit affiliate. (NY Post)
I confess: Javaris Crittenton, ex-NBA player, pleads guilty to manslaughter in shooting death and faces 23-year sentence. (ESPN)

“Wood to Chop”: Financial Expression of the Day

Posted on April 29, 2015 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Bankers turned Lumbersexuals: This man worked at Lehman Brothers in 2008 (photo: thefashiontag.com)

“Wood to Chop”, noun phrase, as used in high finance and big business, this idiom is an alternative way to say “work” and nearly always has the descriptor “a lot of” preceding the phrase.

Usage Note: Smart finance and business types often put on a lot of show to exude confidence and display their intellectual horsepower. Using fancy and pithy phrases is one way they attempt to bedazzle their colleagues and customers; to cast a spell on them in an effort to maintain power in their relationships and interactions. But inside, they are often ill at ease with themselves and their lack of physical stature, having been chained to a desk and stuffed inside a cubicle for many years doing their time while hoping for an eventual payday. They have atrophied into hunch-backed, monitor-tanned zombies who couldn’t survive a week in the wild if the power went out. For the male homo sapien whose evolutionary DNA has wired him to be hunting for food, fighting and killing enemies, and moving giant boulders around to create some kind of calendar, this is rather emasculating. To compensate, these big shots hurl verbal abuse at their underlings, talk like jocks in the locker room, and use phrases like “wood to chop” in place of “work” because it sounds like actually doing work, as opposed to typing numbers in a spreadsheet which, well, isn’t very manly from an evolutionary perspective.

Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: O’s and Sox to Play in Empty Stadium, Etc…

Posted on April 28, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Wednesday’s Orioles-White Sox contest will be the first game closed to the public in MLB history. (Photo: Kate Drabinski)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Twitter tank: Twitter shares drop 18% after leak of disappointing quarterly numbers. (NBC)
1Q GDP released tomorrow: Atlanta Federal Reserve’s first quarter estimate now at 0.1%…that’s an annual rate. (frbatlanta.org)
Not a sellout: On Wednesday, the Orioles and White Sox will play in an empty stadium. (USA Today)
Persian Power Play: Iran boards Marshall Islands-flagged cargo ship; US sends destroyer to Gulf. (NYT)
Battery boost: Tesla Motors’ stock advances ahead of Thursday’s unveiling of house-powering batteries. (Bloomberg)
F you: Exasperated Texas A&M professor flunks his entire class. (CNN)
The Mom-inator: Balitmore mother caught on video hitting son who rioted. (CBS)

HR Management Question of the Day: Unreasonable Hedge Fund Boss

Posted on April 27, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Fran from Queens, who works at a hedge fund, writes in with an interesting predicament.

Dear Bud Fox News, I’m the office manager at a small hedge fund in Manhattan. One of my responsibilities is the office decor. I’ve tried my best to make the place look professional but also welcoming for investor visits. To be honest, I think the office looks pretty good. The problem is that my bosses, who are the fund’s three portfolio managers, are not happy with the office plants. I’ve attached a photo of the one that drives them particularly nuts. I’ll admit that it’s looking a little strange. They’ve started making inappropriate jokes about the shape of the thing; they call it “Fran’s Phallic Fern.” And recently one of them told me that this plant is a test of my ability, that if I can’t get the thing to grow, they might “need” (his words) to think about replacing me. He gave me some BS about “having to step up and take ownership.” Can you please advise me on this? Thanks, Fran

It’s unclear whether Fran’s hedge fund bosses realize that this is an artificial office plant.

Dear Fran, what you have in your photo is an artificial office plant. No amount of watering, feeding, or chatting with it will do anything to make it grow. So there’s a good chance that you’re the victim of a practical joke that’s gone on way too long, a real possibility considering you’re dealing with PMs at a hedge fund. Your typical hedgie has a sense of humor formed in a crucible of unthinkable nerdiness and often dirty lucre, and his misfired jokes wouldn’t put a smile on the face of an easily amused schizophrenic strung out on methadone. Another scenario is more troubling but probably more likely: Your bosses might be so stupid that they don’t realize that the plant in question is fake. You see, despite all the fancy degrees and the use of terms like “convexity,” some hedge fund pros are unadulterated idiots. Continue reading →

“Big Ask”: Bankerspeak Gone Wrong- The Video

Posted on April 23, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Using a cell phone camera as deftly as a selfie-snapping Kardashian and showing undercover ability that would be the envy of any drunk-driving, hooker-patronizing Secret Service agent, one of our readers secretly filmed two colleagues babbling away in bankerspeak. He was kind enough to send us the video, in which the poor sucker on the left appears to be getting set up for an all-nighter by his French-cuffed, Rolex-wristed boss. As you’ll see, there are unintended consequences to trying to sound like a big shot around those unfamiliar with Wall Street lingo (we wrote about the ghastly and baffling use of the verb “ask” as a noun here). And at the very end, you’ll notice that even the little dog walks away from these two.

From the Loony Bin: Hillary Clinton aka $ecretary of $tate, Etc…

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

For Sale: Secretary of State. (Image: Freedomworks.org)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

$ecretary of $tate: Hillary Clinton made favorable policy decisions for big donors to the Clinton Foundation and those who paid Bill Clinton exorbitant speaking fees. (NY Times)
Obama’s “red line” vanishes: 60 Minutes revisits Syria’s gas attack but fails to mention the President’s ultimatum. (PowerLine)
Underwear underwater: Frederick’s of Hollywood goes bankrupt. (Breitbart)
State of higher education: “Honors” program at Northern Illinois University offers course on Game of Thrones…taught by two “professors.” (ABC)
Demon seed: Couple sues sperm bank over schizophrenic dropout donor. (Star Tribune)
Chip Kelly gets God: Eagles sign Tim Tebow. (ESPN)
77 F-bombs: Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price cuts loose. (Cincinnati.com)

The Human Resource Management Question of the Day

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

“Manage expectations”: Always take time at the beginning of interviews to make potential employers aware of any upcoming vacation plans that will make you unavailable during the first few months of a new job. (Photo: recruitingblogs.com)

Today, with great pleasure and excitement, we introduce a new feature to the Bud Fox News site: Human Resource Management Question of the Day, which, like our Financial Expression of the Day, will not actually be a diurnal posting (but we hope it will appear often enough that our readers will come to view it as indispensable, educational, and humorous weekly reading). Drawing upon our years of Wall Street experience, where we witnessed a War and Peace-sized catalog of unsuitable behavior ranging from the mundane and unimaginative backstabbing and account-stealing to the less common although clearly more creative ordering-up of call girls for on-site carnal stress relief in Conference Room 32A, we will field questions from our readers about how to navigate the nasty twists and turns of corporate life.

Without further ado, Ralph from Brooklyn checks in with our inaugural query:

Dear Bud Fox News: I had a good job in back office at a hedge fund until about 10 months ago when the fund shut down because our anchor investor cashed out. Since then, I’ve tried everything- networking, internet job postings, you name it. I’m starting to feel desperate, but I’ve got an interview for a decent job next week. The problem is that my girlfriend and I have planned a vacation to the Bahamas for the first week in July. Do you think I should tell my interviewer right at the beginning of our conversation that there’s no way I can work that week? My gut tells me that I should get this right out in the open.

Dear Ralph, You may not realize it, but you’re a natural. The giveaway wasn’t so much your nifty and impressive use of the phrases “back office” (the admin and support area where trades are “cleared” and records maintained) and “anchor investor” (the first big investor in a fund) but your question, which reveals “C-suite” (ie, CEO, CFO, CTO, COO, etc) intuition, and your gut here is right on the money. Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: Handicapped Hillary, Etc…

Posted on April 16, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Rules are for the little people: Truth-handicapped Hillary Clinton, clad in garish pink jacket, stands next to her “Scooby Van,” conveniently parked in a spot for the disabled.

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Riddle me this: A brain teaser from Singapore goes viral. (NYT)
Bullish on Netflix: FBR analyst sets $900 price target. (Barron’s)
Three go public: Etsy, Party City, Virtu are off and running. (IBD)
Goggle is Euro-trashed: European Union charges Google with favoring its own businesses in web searches. (Reuters)
Cheaters go public: Valuing itself at $1 billion, adultery site Ashley Madison plans London IPO. (NBC)
“Helicopter” Ben moves on: Former Fed head Bernanke joins hedge fund Citadel. (Reuters)
Citadel cont’d: Trader who lost $1 billion leaves firm. (Bloomberg)
Your government at work: TSA groping is SOP. (Time)
Hillary misremembers (again): All my grandparents were immigrants…one in four, actually. (CNN)
Cuba Libre: Obama removes Fidel from terror list while Cuban-backed FARC kills 10 Columbian soldiers. (PowerLineBlog)
Iran gets protection: Russia prepares to sell air defense-system to Iran. (Reuters)
“Gyrocopter” for sale: About $20K for one that looks like the White House crash-lander. (aviomania)