At a press conference this morning, current NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s first announcement was like hearing football’s top executive fart out loud: He will step down at the end of this season. But his second announcement…well, not only could you hear him squeeze one out, you could catch the odor all the way in the back of the room: Hillary Clinton will be his replacement. By the time the former Secretary of State was introduced and stood beside him on stage, even the most jaded sportswriter in attendance was in a state of shock.
In his prepared remarks, Goodell, appearing to speak almost off-the-cuff, did allude to recent league difficulties:
“I became commissioner in September 2008. Under my hands-off, easy-does-it, anything-goes style, the NFL has enjoyed tremendous success, its fan base has significantly expanded, television viewership has grown dramatically, and franchise values have increased by hundreds of millions of dollars. By any metric, the league is doing extremely well. As much as I have enjoyed this job and as much as I would like to hold it for as long as I can, I even more passionately want what’s best for the NFL, its players, its fans, and those associated with the game, that is, friends, family, and the like. So, in light of several off-the-field incidents over the last year that did not put the league in the best light, the league’s directors and I have both agreed that the end of the current season might mark a good time for a change in leadership, a new perspective. And we can’t think of a better, more capable individual to bring a new perspective than Hillary Clinton. She has been a senator, a presidential candidate, and a Secretary of State. And she will make a great NFL Commissioner. So please welcome the next NFL Commissioner to the stage right now.”
Clinton, dressed in a stylish, Cincinnati-Bengal-orange pantsuit, made a very brief statement before she and Goodell took a handful of questions from reporters:
“I want to thank Roger and the league’s board of directors for giving me this tremendous opportunity. As you know I have been giving some consideration to running for president again, but Bill and I were dead broke when we left the White House and although we’re doing better now, Roger’s take-home pay is a heck of a lot better than Obama’s. I think the score there is about 40 million to 400 grand plus expenses. That’s like the beat-down Atlanta gave Tampa Bay earlier this year.”
When asked what about her past experience qualified her for the commissioner’s job, Clinton was unflappable:
“Well, if I can negotiate with Vladimir Putin face-to-face, I think I can handle Ray Rice. Vlad would toss him around like a red-headed step child.
Noble Puffer, Professor of Sports Management at Oklahoma Territorial Normal School, when asked his opinion of Clinton’s selection as commissioner, offered the following:
“Well, obviously, it’s a bit of a surprise, but she might be able to pull it off. Off-the-field legal and behavioral problems have really come to the forefront this year. Some of these players seem totally out of control. They need a firm hand at the controls. But let’s be honest, the woman’s been married to Bill Clinton for 39 years, so there’s probably nothing she doesn’t know about men having badly.”