Step gingerly, Mr. President, the ground beneath you is afire from “climate change.” (Photo: Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

In the face of almost two decades of flat global temperatures, President Obama was smart enough to invoke “climate change” instead of “global warming” at his commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy last week. But that’s where his cerebral activity came to a screeching halt. Yes, indeed, the man who exhibited the solipsism of a Kardashian when he told an infatuated electorate and media on election night 2008 that people would look back on his victory as the moment “when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war…,” told the cadets that climate change, yes- that’s right, would be one of their nastiest enemies:

And this brings me to the challenge I want to focus on today — one where our Coast Guardsmen are already on the front lines, and that, perhaps more than any other, will shape your entire careers — and that’s the urgent need to combat and adapt to climate change.

Asked for comment on the president’s address, Zezozose Zadfack, Distinguished Professor of Geology at Appomattox Confederacy College, Director of the Yeti Institute for Earth Sciences, and author of the polarizing best seller Ice Man Cometh, which is considered required reading within the “global cooling” community, told Bud Fox News:

The Middle East is in tatters and desperately needs leadership from the US. Our ports could be vulnerable to Islamist acts of terror. I’d have to think there’s a role for our Coast Guard there. But this president wants to convert the cadets into missionaries for the cult of global warming. Unreal. Do you think Putin is turning the Russian coast guard into weathermen?

The president used the speech to unveil a new tactic in the undeniably ferocious battle against the weather. He described the new stratagem as follows:

The sharpest minds at The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is also known as DARPA, have created global-warming resistant ice cubes and bins that the Coast Guard will drop into the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans to cool the east and west coasts of the United States. Let me be clear: While the other branches of the armed forces are bogged down in pesky police actions in the Middle East, you folks will be doing the truly heavy lifting here at home.

It snowed this past weekend in parts of Maine.