Transgender? Uncle Sam wants you. Trans fats, on the other hand, will be forced out of the military.  

Back on July 13, Defense Secretary Ashton Carter issued two directives that moved the Pentagon closer to allowing transgender men and women to serve openly in the military. Considering this administration just cut a nuclear deal with Iran that didn’t require “anytime-anywhere” inspections” or the return of four US hostages but, in banana republic fashion, was submitted for UN approval before the US Congress had concluded its own vote on the pact, nothing it does really surprises and Carter’s edict was greeted with a yawn. However, yesterday Carter made additional remarks about the new policy that finally caused the uproar this utterly ridiculous topic deserves and had manipulators of special interest group politics accusing him of “fatism.” Here’s what Carter said:

You’ll be able to serve as a transgender, but there will be no place in the military for trans fats.    

The reaction from the left was immediate and strident. Thomas Mary Skirtzaroff, who goes by the unisex name “Harley” and is spokesperson for T-FAT (Transgender Fatties Are Terrific), the nation’s leading advocacy organization for transgenders who are carrying excess adipose tissue, had this response to Carter:

Let’s be honest here, Ashton Carter’s no Adonis, but I guess it’s somehow OK for him to discriminate against transgenders who don’t have fighting trim, er, aren’t in fighting trim…I meant to say. The audacity of the man. We need a military that will not only pay for sex reassignment surgeries, but also pay for nutritionists, personal trainers, and stylists if necessary in order to smooth the post-op transition. We need a sympathetic military, one that realizes that transgenders might be working through their issues by self-medicating with cookies, ice cream, pie, and chocoholism. 

When pressed for clarification earlier today, Carter told Bud Fox News:

There seems to be some confusion. I didn’t mean to suggest that transgender troops will have to meet a different set of physical fitness requirements. By trans fats, I was referring to the FDA’s recent ban of trans fatty acids. When President Obama spoke at the Coast Guard Academy commencement back in May, he said that global warming is one of our most severe threats. And so are trans fats, and the military will fight them wherever we encounter them. So, for example, if you are in uniform and are seen eating a Wendy’s Baconator, you will be held accountable. Frankly, after global warming, the war on trans fats is the military’s highest priority. [We wrote about Obama’s Coast Guard speech here.]

If a transgender individual is willing to fight for his country, we at Bud Fox News see no reason why that individual can’t enjoy a trans-fatty Burger King Triple Whopper at the end of a day spent making this country safer for all of us.