Ackman’s Hope to Cure Ugly People Suffers Setback

Posted on October 14, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Bill’s cursing as he rings the closing gong

People desperately clinging to youth the world over were disappointed yesterday when Bill Ackman’s Pershing Square Holdings fund IPO flopped in its first day of trading on the Amsterdam stock exchange. Ackman had been hoping for a strong showing to add credibility and cash to his joint effort with Allergan (Ticker: AGN) to take over Valeant Pharmaceuticals (Ticker: VRX), maker of the fountain of youth serum, Botox.

Ackman, the billionaire activist investor and guardian of good looks, has grand plans for Botox should he eventually gain control of the coveted toxin.

Continue reading →

North Korean Leader Returns from Six-week US Holiday

Posted on October 14, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Where to today, Ted?

Kim Jong-un has returned home and reported for duty according to sources in Pyongyang. The secretive leader had not shown up to work in about six weeks causing a flurry of speculation as to his health and whereabouts.

Bud Fox News has long had “an asset” close to the reclusive leader who spoke to us at length detailing the itinerary of a plushy tour the sybaritic playboy took across America stopping in at Hugh Hefner’s mansion and attending a fund raiser with Jeffrey Katzenberg in Los Angeles, then hitting a round of golf in Palm Springs with President Obama on his way to a riotous weekend in Las Vegas. From there the Dear Leader took in some country living during a week in Montana at Ted Turner’s Flying D ranch, where the two reportedly enjoyed trout fishing and spent several long afternoons on horseback together.

Continue reading →

In Shocking Wave of Confessions, Finance Industry Admits it’s Nugatory

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

In a wave of self-incriminating and self-deprecating public statements, Financial Services executives, Hedge Fund managers, and other so-called money gurus have decided to come clean with the public at large about the feckless nature of the industry. The confessions themselves and the speed with which they began appearing have shocked industry observers. Continue reading →