In Shocking Wave of Confessions, Finance Industry Admits it’s Nugatory

In a wave of self-incriminating and self-deprecating public statements, Financial Services executives, Hedge Fund managers, and other so-called money gurus have decided to come clean with the public at large about the feckless nature of the industry. The confessions themselves and the speed with which they began appearing have shocked industry observers.

“I think it all began really with SAC Capital”, said Joey Vittalino, a former New York Stock exchange floor trader who lost his job about 10 years ago and now operates a truck selling Halal Italian food on Vesey Street. “I mean, how much more obvious can it get? You think Mathew Martoma and Michael Steinberg – one of Stevie Cohen’s closest personal friends – were somehow keeping the big man in the dark? Fuhgeddaboudit.”

martoma

“I hate you, Steve”

Several industry insiders corroborate Vittalino’s theory, with one high ranking official at JP Morgan telling Bud Fox News, “Although there have been a litany of scandals trailing back decades, it finally just became unsustainable for these money managers and hedge fund guys to continue pretending they’re doing the right thing with other people’s money. You’d think after Madoff, the Feds would have just shut down the whole industry, but nothing changed. Apparently, after Steven Cohen got off scot-free of criminal charges, many of these guys just woke up with a crisis of conscience and decided to come clean.”

Some of the reports surrounding the epiphanies are downright frightening and bizarre. According to employees of the firm, David Einhorn, of Greenlight Capital had to be restrained when he was found with a razor blade clenched in his teeth and a notebook filled with the words “the market is efficient” written repeatedly ad-infinitum. A close friend of Daniel Loeb of Third Point LLC told Bud Fox News that he showed up to work one day disheveled and looking like a zombie. The next day, his secretary, while opening his mail found a missive, authored by Loeb and sent to his own office, in which he eviscerated himself for being a Wall Street Fat Cat before trailing off in unintelligible ramblings about corn dogs and being physically abused as a child by the school lunch lady.

Perhaps most shocking, BFN has learned that Ned Johnson III, CEO of Fidelity Investments has told his board he plans to roll up the whole fund complex into two or three index funds. Jack Bogle was always right” he reportedly said. “I just couldn’t help myself. Charging all those fees and loads made me and my kids some of the richest people no one knows anything about.”

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