General Motors (ticker GM) has announced that it will recall every car and truck in the United States ever made…by any automaker. The company recalled 2.6 million cars in February because of faulty ignition switches. In all, the company has recalled a New-Coke-ish 29 million cars in North America this year. Said CEO Mary “No such thing as bad publicity” Barra, who drives a Lexus, “If you drive a car or truck of any make or model, it’s officially been recalled today. Whatever’s wrong with it is probably GM’s fault. Get off the road before it’s too late.” Barra, who began her career at GM as a college intern in 1980 but amazingly claims that she only learned of the ignition switch problem in December 2013, kindly opted not to attend her daily Liars Anonymous meeting in order to speak with Bud Fox News.
Despite the gargantuan recall, year-to-date, GM’s North American sales have been half-decent, up 2.8%, which proves that American consumers are either unbelievable stupid or actually like the idea of playing automotive Russian Roulette. In recent investor presentations, GM has indicated that it expects future growth to come from emerging markets and China, where many new members of the middle class have never heard of General Motors and don’t realize that their shiny new Buicks might kill them.
When Chevy Malibu owner Beth Foster finally guilt-tripped GM into giving her a loaner while the company worked on her car, the company wisely provided her a Hyundai Sonata. Said CEO Barra, “We thought it was less likely that she’d die in a non-GM vehicle. Hey, we’re already on the hook for 23 dead people and the bodies keep stacking up.” Foster told CBS News that “…her recall notices lacked information about the loaner-car program GM offers.” When told of this sneaky attempt at cost-saving, GM spokesman Jim Cain explained, “Well, if we included information about the loaner program in a convenient form, we’d be in the customer service business, and that’s not our focus. GM is a car company. Period. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to take this call. It’s my headhunter.”