Tom Watson Sucker-Punches Nice Old Lady

Tom Watson faces assault charges after he allegedly knocked a 73 year-old woman unconscious.

Having beaten a hasty retreat from the Ryder Cup imbroglio back to his tranquil hometown of Stilwell, Kansas, Tom “Captain Queeg” Watson, 65, allegedly struck Kitty Peed, 73, his partner in a local charity badminton tournament that was held yesterday in a church parking lot. Eyewitnesses claim that the hyper-competitive Watson was infuriated because he and Peed had been routed in four consecutive games. After the fourth loss, a sloppy 21-7 drubbing, Watson allegedly screamed at her: “You stink at foursomes which, in a macabre twist, is exactly what he told the US Ryder Cup team on Saturday, September 27, after a disappointing day for the team, which he captained. When Peed meekly replied that she was trying her best, Watson apparently flew into a rage and struck the septuagenarian with a wicked right hook, knocking the woman unconscious. Peed was rushed to the hospital, where she remains. She is being treated for a broken jaw and a concussion. Watson was arrested on the scene.

According to eyewitness Jubal Early, 54, Watson seemed confused that he was placed under arrest. Said Early: “The guy didn’t think he’d done anything wrong. When the cops showed up, he said something like, ‘I was just trying to toughen her up. She’s got potential but she’s soft.’”

Watson has been in the news recently for his harsh treatment of the Ryder Cup Team. After a team-bonding dinner on the above-mentioned Saturday night, Watson supposedly denied the team milk and cookies, much to the team’s disappointment. He also refused a request from several players that evening that Count Chocula be served at breakfast the following morning. Sporting a beanie with a wildly spinning propeller, Phil Mickelson told Bud Fox News: “The Count Chocula thing was just plain mean. That, really, was the final straw for a lot of us.”

Watson’s recent difficulties leave somewhat in doubt whether his latest venture, The Tom Watson-Roger Goodell Sports Psychology and Wellness Center, will ever get off the ground. Meant to be a warm and nurturing place for psychologically troubled professional athletes, the Center was slated to open in January. Said an employee of the PGA of America who asked to remain anonymous: “This last move might put the kibosh on Tom’s idea for a sports psychology center. Everybody knows Roger Goodell is just an enabler and a shameless huckster for NFL owners, but Tom brought credibility to the project. The Count Chocula thing was bad enough, but taking out the old lady might be too much.”

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