Supreme Court Performs Remake of “Weekend at Bernie’s”

From left to right, Justices Kennedy, a supposed Ginsburg, and Breyer reenacting a scene from “Weekend at Bernie’s.” (Photo: freerepublic.com)

A fairly well kept secret, the US Supreme Court Follies are a great tradition. At a private dinner at the beginning of each year, the active justices poke fun at themselves and present a series of skits for the entertainment of retired judges, clerks, administrative staff, and friends. Unfortunately not much is known about the event because everyone involved takes an oath of omertà seriously enough to make a mafia boss weep with pride. The oath of silence makes sense: The Supremes’ juridical gravitas would be shot to hell if they were ever caught looking like ex-NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani when he dressed in drag and kissed Donald Trump.

This year, for the first time, one skit was so funny that the judges decided to reenact it for the entire nation at President Obama’s State of the Union Address on January 20. The press had a field day misinterpreting what happened that night, with major news sources incorrectly reporting that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, having had too much wine at dinner, fell fast asleep during Obama’s recited dog’s breakfast of liberal proposals 40 years past their sell-by date.

That’s not what really happened. A source attached to the court has told Bud Fox News the real story:

At the Follies, Justices Breyer and Kennedy brought the house down when they reenacted a scene from “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Justice Ginsburg played the dead boss. People loved it so much that no one checked to see whether Justice Ginsburg was actually alive. Everyone agreed that it would be hilarious if they did the skit again while in the audience for the State of the Union. Scalia even liked the idea, and he never attends the address.

Matters have taken a turn for the macabre though because Bud Fox News’ Silence Bellows cannot confirm that Justice Ginsburg is still alive. If she has shuffled off this mortal coil, then Kennedy and Ginsburg might be propping up her dead body to avoid attention before awaited rulings on gay marriage and Obamacare. Alternatively, the court source explained a conspiracy theory that is gaining traction among Supreme Court insiders:

As crazy as it sounds, people are starting to think that Alan Greenspan has abducted Ruth Ginsburg and taken her place on the court. Those who like this theory say that Ginsburg’s drinking has gotten out of hand and that the liberal wing of the court recruited loony Greenspan to take her spot. At first I thought it was crazy, but if you put a wig on him, they’d be twins, especially if he keeps his head down the way he did that night. And if you’ve ever heard the guy talk, he can hold his own with the biggest legal windbags in the country. It makes some sense: There would be no succession crisis, and the court would just keep right on rolling.