50 Cent and Vitaminwater…or is it TubbyTea?
Coca-Cola (ticker KO), having recently reached a $1.2 million preliminary settlement in a class-action lawsuit over deceptive labeling of its Glacéau Vitaminwater drinks, has announced a new marketing campaign for the product line that will feature the slogan “Vitaminwater…Kills Ebola Dead.” Continue reading
Thompson: I got your text- here’s your food!
McDonald’s (Ticker MCD) announced abysmal earnings with quarterly profit dropping a head-spinning 30%. System-wide sales were down 5%, with every geographic region suffering a decline. It was McDonald’s worst quarterly decline since 2002. Analysts pointed to a variety of factors including a scandal at a meat supplier in China, consumer sticker shock from an erstwhile dollar-menu that now looks like a ten-dollar menu, increased competition, and frankly, lousy food that almost everyone now knows causes disease with every bite.
But CEO Don Thompson, an optimist at heart, didn’t have much to say about any of that. Evidently thinking he can’t do much about the Pablum on the menu, Thompson said he was going to revamp the firm’s use of technology to make it easier to buy a burger. From the Wall Street Journal:
“Mr. Thompson, in a statement, outlined several initiatives the company is undertaking to improve its operations, including investments in service and technology enhancements to improve customers’ experience and a global push to make it easier for customers to order and pay for McDonald’s food digitally.” Continue reading
Why is Sterling smiling? Because he’s got Windows 9.
It’s been a tough couple of weeks for Microsoft (ticker MSFT). On top of CEO Satya Nadella’s recent remarkable foot-in-mouth act over women in the workplace, there’s the strange case of the missing Windows 9 operating system. Before the introduction of Windows 10 two weeks ago, Microsoft had last introduced a new operating system back in 2012 with the unveiling of the unpopular Windows 8, a sequence of events that raises questions about Windows 9. Where is it? A Microsoft employee who briefly worked on the Windows 9 project, which was codenamed RobTheCustomer, or RTC for short, has told Bud Fox News that the mystery goes back to Donald Sterling’s sale of the Los Angeles Clippers to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. Sterling was the owner of the Clippers until his delicate flower of a lady friend V. Stiviano released an audiotape of Sterling exercising his right to free but unpleasant and incoherent speech in a way deemed unacceptable by the NBA. Steve Ballmer bought the team for $2 billion, a record price for an NBA franchise (the prior record, set weeks before the Clippers sale, was $550 million for the Milwaukee Bucks). Continue reading
In a bombshell scoop, Bud Fox News has discovered that Steven A. Cohen, the once mighty hedge fund titan, has taken up moonlighting as a magician for the wealthy. Billing himself as the ‘Millionaire’s Magician’, Cohen has developed an impressive following among his peers. “He’s every bit as maniacal about this as he is about stock picking”, says wife Alexandra Cohen. He even has a website to shamelessly promote his alter-ego and sell tickets to the show.
After ‘magically’ generating abnormal returns year after year at SAC Capital, Bud Fox News readers will no doubt be familiar with poor Stevie’s demise on account of rampant insider trading and securities fraud. With those revelations, Mr. Cohen pulled another magic stunt: making about $6 Billion disappear.
BofA, where are the adults?
Two weeks ago, in a move that has disheartened corporate ethicists everywhere, even as far away as Russia, Bank of America’s board of directors voted to bestow upon CEO Brian Moynihan the additional title of chairman. The current chairman, Chad Holliday, will remain on the board. When reached for a comment by Bud Fox News, Charles Faux-Pas, Professor of Organizational Behavior at Trenton Christian University, remarked: “This action shows all the decision-making ability of a Florida State University Athletic Director. It’s like hiring a fidgety guy with really bad teeth and a nervous tic to work in the pharmacy department.” Continue reading
The Man who’s taking away the punchbowl: Messr. Lou with his new colors
Bud Fox News has learned that China is in final negotiations to purchase the United States of America in what would be by far the biggest LBO in history. High level Chinese and American officials are refusing to comment other than to say the rumors are “pure speculation”. However, anonymous sources on both sides confirm that the talks have been ongoing since the financial crisis and are now nearing an end with only a few remaining sticking points.
Sources say China Minister of Finance Lou Jiwei plans to rip a page right out of America’s buy-out playbook and throw in a few of the wiles European governments have used in recent years. An un-named high level Finance Ministry bureaucrat said “We’ve been watching Leon Black of Apollo for years and have learned a thing or two about screwing debt holders”. To wit, China has agreed to assume the USA’s stratospheric national debt, projected to be $21.9 trillion by the end of fiscal year 2015. Continue reading
I tawt I taw…
…an intwest wate.
In an explosive, in depth, and at times highly personal two-hour interview with Bud Fox News, Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen revealed that the U.S. government plans to issue bonds denominated in Bitcoin. The Fed Head indicated that the first such issuance would probably occur in the first calendar quarter of 2015 but that no decision had yet been made about maturity. Also during the interview, Yellen talked frankly about her battles with gambling addiction and working conditions under former Fed Chief Ben Bernanke. Continue reading
Bilbo Baggins
As bankable as Bilbo?
E! Entertainment Television has announced that Leon Black, Chairman and CEO of Apollo Global Management, will star in The Prenup, a new reality television series. The program will showcase Black as he advises five stripper-loving finance industry veterans on how to craft prenuptial agreements that best protect their wealth. Black described his role to Bud Fox News: “These things are a lot like bond indentures. And I’ve been hosing over high yield investors for years at the negotiating table. Even though these hoochie mamas are way smarter than your average high yield guy, I’m pretty sure that I can get the better of them.” Continue reading
FHFA’s Watt: “Thanks, Judge Lamberth!”
Bud Fox News has learned that Mel Watt, the director of the Federal Housing Finance Authority (FHFA), invoking Judge Royce C. Lamberth’s recent high-five to big government in his decision in a DC District Court case (Perry Capital LLC v. Jacob Lew, Secretary of Treasury), has done a cash sweep of his own, swiping all of Fannie Mae’s (ticker FNMA) excess cash and heading to the Cayman Islands. Said a FHFA employee who asked to remain nameless: “Right after the decision was announced [Monday, September 29], Mel called me into his office. He had an open bottle of champagne on his desk, and he handed me a glass as soon as I walked in. He said a celebration was in order because of the Lamberth decision. At the time, I didn’t quite realize what he meant.” Continue reading
Bill’s cursing as he rings the closing gong
People desperately clinging to youth the world over were disappointed yesterday when Bill Ackman’s Pershing Square Holdings fund IPO flopped in its first day of trading on the Amsterdam stock exchange. Ackman had been hoping for a strong showing to add credibility and cash to his joint effort with Allergan (Ticker: AGN) to take over Valeant Pharmaceuticals (Ticker: VRX), maker of the fountain of youth serum, Botox.
Ackman, the billionaire activist investor and guardian of good looks, has grand plans for Botox should he eventually gain control of the coveted toxin.
Bud Fox News 