Bud Fox News has learned that China is in final negotiations to purchase the United States of America in what would be by far the biggest LBO in history. High level Chinese and American officials are refusing to comment other than to say the rumors are “pure speculation”. However, anonymous sources on both sides confirm that the talks have been ongoing since the financial crisis and are now nearing an end with only a few remaining sticking points.
Sources say China Minister of Finance Lou Jiwei plans to rip a page right out of America’s buy-out playbook and throw in a few of the wiles European governments have used in recent years. An un-named high level Finance Ministry bureaucrat said “We’ve been watching Leon Black of Apollo for years and have learned a thing or two about screwing debt holders”. To wit, China has agreed to assume the USA’s stratospheric national debt, projected to be $21.9 trillion by the end of fiscal year 2015.
But here’s the rub: the Chinese already own around $1.4 trillion of US public debt or about 8% of the total. Foreign governments altogether account for 34% of the debt. Said the Ministry bureaucrat, “First off, we’re not paying the other foreign governments back… they can take a hike. Along with forgiving our own portion of the debt, we’ve reduced the total debt burden by a third right there. Add to that the amount of US debt held by the Federal Reserve Bank, which of course, will also not be paid back and we’ve knocked off another 12% or so”.
BFN has learned that the Chinese have enlisted Goldman Sachs to help them hedge and swap their way around this spicy meatball of debt. “We think when we’re done the combined debt of the two nations will only amount to about $100 million”, said a Federal Reserve intern staffed on the project. “Now that’s some serious de-leveraging.”
When asked what the purchase price might be, sources on both sides demurred, saying it was hard to pin down. One US Treasury official said “What does it matter? All this money is completely made up anyway. We’ll simply teach the Chinese how to print boat loads of money to pay the purchase price. It’s worked like a charm for paying our own bills so far.”
Besides making the debt vanish, officials on both sides are most excited by the synergies that can be achieved by putting the two cultures and economies together. “Think of all the American slack-jawed, sit-com and sports watching zombies in the 25-44 age demographic that could benefit from rubbing shoulders with Chinese students that study 22 hours a day”, said one US State Department official. “I mean, you combine our ability to make a buck with their ability to make junk, and the new union will be like the Amazon-Wal-Mart of nations.”
When this reporter asked Steve Schwarzman of Blackstone about the rumored buyout, he said “Well I’ve known this was coming for years. It’s really the reason I created Schwarzman Scholars– I didn’t want them to take my name off the New York Public Library when they buy us out. Xi Jingping may be a commie, but he’s a great reformer and that’s something our country needs after this Nazi Obama.”