Fed Chief Yellen Says U.S. Will Issue Bitcoin-Denominated Bonds

I tawt I taw...

I tawt I taw…

...an intwest wate.

…an intwest wate.

In an explosive, in depth, and at times highly personal two-hour interview with Bud Fox News, Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen revealed that the U.S. government plans to issue bonds denominated in Bitcoin.  The Fed Head indicated that the first such issuance would probably occur in the first calendar quarter of 2015 but that no decision had yet been made about maturity.  Also during the interview, Yellen talked frankly about her battles with gambling addiction and working conditions under former Fed Chief Ben Bernanke.

When questioned about the thought process behind Bitcoin debt issuance, Yellen replied:  “Why Bitcoin?  Well, why not?  I mean the whole fiat money thing is just such a crap shoot.  Speaking of which, did you know that the new Horseshoe Casino in Baltimore has craps tables.  I keep telling myself I have to stay out of Baltimore!”

Pressed for more detail on the Fed’s latest strategy, the head banker of the U.S. responded:  “Take a look at John Crudele’s articles in the New York Post.  C’mon, it’s the Census Bureau out there taking surveys for the BLS, they’re the underlying data for the monthly unemployment number that everyone obsesses about.  So remember that tic-laden, strabismic, coprophiliac, who reeked of booze and badgered you to fill out your 2010 Census questionnaire?  Well, he’s leading the charge in collecting our vital economic statistics.  And don’t get me started about the Birth/Death Model adjustments, they make as much sense as the plot of Gravity’s Rainbow.  Whatever.  If we’re foolish enough to trust those numbers, then I think we can take a chance with Bitcoin.”

On a more personal note, the Fed Chair admitted that she has struggled with a gambling problem:  “The gambling thing really got out of control while I was Vice Chair of the Fed.  I mean, there’s nothing to do in that job.  It’s like being a college freshman during orientation week or Vice President of the United States.  And for God’s sake, if Joe Biden can do it, then a well-trained Border Collie can probably do it.  So I had a lot of time on my hands back when I was Vice Chair.  It started off slowly, a little friendly action on Redskins games.  Before I knew it, I was conferencing in to the Fed meetings because I was in West Virginia at the greyhound track.”

When asked whether she worried about slipping back into a bad pattern of behavior, Yellen responded:  “I’m actually not worried about that at all.  Right around the time that I hit rock bottom over at the dog track in Wheeling, we hired a statistician from MIT.  And he and I have put together a really nice Bayesian network model for forecasting NFL games.  It’s a lock, it prints money.  So no, I’ve got no concerns about a relapse.”

When asked whether she borrowed any of Bernanke’s managerial style when she took over his job, Yellen said with a laugh:  “Oh, he was a real jokester, but sometimes he pushed it a bit too far.  He used to call me Tweety Bird behind my back.  I’ll get even for that one day.”  

We wouldn’t bet against her.

 

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