Using Loaded Nail Gun, Lowe’s Robot Takes Four Hostage

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Lowe’s robot: Would trade hostages for the Svedka vodka robot.

Armed with a loaded nail gun that it took from aisle 15, Lowe’s (ticker LOW) customer service robot, who was introduced this week as the “OSHbot” and made news yesterday by sending a customer to Wal-Mart (ticker WMT), has taken four fellow employees hostage at the Lowe’s Orchard Supply Hardware store in San Jose, CA, sometime early this morning.  San Jose police have arrived on the scene and established contact with the robot.  They are currently trying to negotiate the release of the four individuals. Continue reading

Lowe’s Robot Sends Customer to Wal-Mart

Lowe's robot

Lowe’s robot: “It’s cheaper at Wal-Mart.”

The new robotic shopping assistants, called OSHbots, that were introduced this week ahead of schedule at Lowe’s (ticker LOW) Orchard Supply Hardware store in San Jose, CA, really do seem to be customer-friendly.  Zilpher Spittle, who was shopping at the store yesterday, told Bud Fox News:

“That’s one helpful robot.  When I told it what showerhead I was looking for, it did a quick internet search and figured out that it was way cheaper at Wal-Mart [ticker WMT].  So it told me that I should go to there.  It walked me back to my car and printed out directions to the Wal-Mart about ten minutes away.  I saved $25 dollars.” Continue reading

“Going Forward”:  Financial Expression of the Day

going-forward

Going forward into Cliché Land…

“Going forward,” adverbial phrase, henceforth; in the future.  Usage note:  When talking about a retailer’s ability to cut costs, an equity analyst, working himself into a lather of financial bullspit, might say, “We think the company will be able to ‘leverage’ SG&A ‘spend’ going forward.” Continue reading

“Out of Pocket”: Financial Expression of the Day

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On the receiving end of finance-speak…

“Out of pocket,” adjective, unavailable (as for a meeting).  Usage note:  When a normal person engages in a conversation with a heavy user of financial lingo, translational problems can arise because Wall Street types can’t help but sprinkle their non-work exchanges with asinine entries from their industry lexicon.  For example, if a plumber sizes up a repair problem at a Wall Streeter’s house and then says, “I’ll call you later in the week when I have the parts I need,” he may hear the following response:  “I’ll be out of pocket.” Continue reading

Amazon Lays an Egg in 3Q, Plans Lunar Expansion

Amazon moon

Amazon:   Breaking ground soon on lunar distribution center.

In an outlandish presentation that had attendees reeling in disbelief and ended just moments ago at Amazon.com’s (ticker AMZN) Seattle headquarters, CEO Jeff Bezos introduced the e-tailing giant’s next initiative.  And, if you can believe it, he did it while wearing a space suit:

“At Amazon, we believe in the future of the moon.  And so, we will break ground on construction of our first distribution center on the moon next quarter.  In the first half of next year, we will also begin construction on our first Lunar Amazon Residential Kommunity also know as LARK.  Obviously, this will be an expensive project, which will put pressure on earnings the next several years.  But we expect to be net income positive by sometime around the year 3000.Continue reading

NY Governor Cuomo:  J.K. Rowling’s Got Nothing on Me!

Andrew Cuomo

Is this man the next…

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…JK Rowling? Probably not.

According to Neilsen BookScan, which tracks sales for about 85% of the US print market, Andrew Cuomo’s memoir, All Things Possible: Setbacks and Success in Politics and Life, sold a whopping 948 copies in its first week.  Adjusting for the roughly 15% usually missed by BookScan, it looks as if Cuomo’s book was purchased by about 1,100 people.  HarperCollins supposedly gave Cuomo an advance of more than $700,000, so maybe the publisher bought political influence in addition to this turd of a book.  Asked about Cuomo’s book sales, publishing executive Positive Johnson said, “It’s early yet, but with this kind of start, he’s being looked at to take over the Harry Potter franchise.”

Actually if no one but Cuomo’s book buyers showed up at MCU Park for Brooklyn Cyclones minor league home games (capacity 7,500), the team would be getting sized up for the Rex Ryan hot seat out of NYC. Continue reading

Coca-Cola Unveils New Vitaminwater Slogan: “Kills Ebola Dead”

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50 Cent and Vitaminwater…or is it TubbyTea?

Coca-Cola (ticker KO), having recently reached a $1.2 million preliminary settlement in a class-action lawsuit over deceptive labeling of its Glacéau Vitaminwater drinks, has announced a new marketing campaign for the product line that will feature the slogan “Vitaminwater…Kills Ebola Dead.”  Continue reading

“Point Man”: Financial Expression of the Day

Point Man

The Point Man coordinates all the changes to the “document.”

Point man,” noun phrase, according to its second definition in Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition, one who is in the forefront; especially:  a principal spokesman or advocate (e.g., the point man for the President’s economic policy).  Usage note:  Unfortunately for the person unlucky enough to be designated point man in the glamorous world of investment banking, the role is not quite as elegant as Messrs. Merriam and Webster imply.  That person is indeed in the forefront, but here it’s the vanguard of the grunt work. Continue reading

Sephora Admits:  We Put Same Fragrance in All Our Men’s Colognes for Last Three Years

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Sephora: It’s all the same in the end.

In a remarkable job of investigative journalism, Bud Fox News reporter Silence Bellows has discovered that Sephora, the chain of cosmetics stores owned by LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton, has been filling all the bottles of men’s cologne sold in its US stores with the same fragrance for the last three years. Continue reading

Yankees Extend Mark Teixeira through 2030

Teixeira Rock of Ages

Teixeira, here in his Broadway debut in Rock of Ages, is laughing all the way to the bank.

The first thing that Yankees general manager Brian Cashman did after the team gave him a new three-year contract was to get down on his knees and thank God that the organization decided to reward recent mediocrity.  His second move, Bud Fox News learned this morning, was to sign Mark Teixeira to a contract extension through 2030, at which time the first baseman, who probably couldn’t hit to the opposite field off Mo’ne Davis, the 13-year-old girl from Philadelphia who starred in this summer’s Little League World Series, will be 50 years old. Continue reading