Sci-Fi Short Story Published as Morgan Stanley Research

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Morgan Stanley’s equity research report on Tesla Motors is nothing more than a sci-fi short story. (Photo: http://www.360here.com)

Bud Fox News has learned that on Monday, August 17, Morgan Stanley accidentally published a laughably optimistic equity research report on Tesla Motors (price target $465 vs $218.87 today) that was written by analyst Adam Jonas. The 39-page tree-killer was actually a homework assignment for the Science Fiction & Fantasy Writing class that Jonas is taking at the Gotham Writers’ Workshop. According to the course description:

Whether extrapolating science into futuristic technology or conjuring new forms of magic, these genres imagine what might have been or what might be, opening the door to any possibility.

Jonas’s report does indeed open the door to any possibility, to wit: the fantastic price target is based on how much a currently non-existent division (direct-to-consumer ride sharing), which the company in no way has suggested it’s creating, might be worth in the sci-fi worthy world of 2029, by which time one hopes that analytical robots will have replaced investment-banking-compromised human equity analysts for the benefit of investors everywhere. On the company’s 2Q earnings call, Tesla CEO Elon Musk wouldn’t even entertain a question about what has become Jonas’s entire investment thesis: Continue reading

It’s a Ron-off: Ron Burgundy, Ron Jeremy Top Candidates to Replace Brian Williams

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Fake anchorman Ron Burgundy…

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…and adult film “actor” Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy are the leading candidates for anchorman Brian Williams’ job. (Photo: Getty Images North America)

A source at NBC has told Bud Fox News that porn star Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy, patron saint of raincoaters everywhere, and Ron Burgundy, protagonist of the movies Anchorman and Anchorman 2, have emerged as the top two candidates to replace disgraced NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. Said the source:

It’s true. NBC management thinks that both Rons have a lot in common with Brian. Take Ron Jeremy. To many people, the guy lives some sort of fantasy life.  And so does Brian. As far as Ron Burgundy, well, he’s a made-up character who reports made-up news.  So is Brian, when you think about it. If I had to handicap this one, I think Jeremy is the front-runner. If he’s not contractually committed to filming “Nude World Order II” next month, then I think the job is his.

Tracked down on the set of his latest film, Gluteus to the Maximus Part IV, Jeremy was excited: Continue reading

Yankees Extend Mark Teixeira through 2030

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Teixeira, here in his Broadway debut in Rock of Ages, is laughing all the way to the bank.

The first thing that Yankees general manager Brian Cashman did after the team gave him a new three-year contract was to get down on his knees and thank God that the organization decided to reward recent mediocrity.  His second move, Bud Fox News learned this morning, was to sign Mark Teixeira to a contract extension through 2030, at which time the first baseman, who probably couldn’t hit to the opposite field off Mo’ne Davis, the 13-year-old girl from Philadelphia who starred in this summer’s Little League World Series, will be 50 years old. Continue reading