The first thing that Yankees general manager Brian Cashman did after the team gave him a new three-year contract was to get down on his knees and thank God that the organization decided to reward recent mediocrity. His second move, Bud Fox News learned this morning, was to sign Mark Teixeira to a contract extension through 2030, at which time the first baseman, who probably couldn’t hit to the opposite field off Mo’ne Davis, the 13-year-old girl from Philadelphia who starred in this summer’s Little League World Series, will be 50 years old.
The timing of the deal is odd because Teixeira is signed through 2016 ($23.125 million for each of the next two years). Despite that detail, Cashman, 47, who has been GM since 1998, sounded downright giddy about the move when he spoke with Bud Fox News:
“During my time as GM, I’ve tried to make the Yankees older and more injury-prone while deemphasizing the farm system because I think that’s the way you build a dynasty. With this signing, the Yankees can rest assured that we’ll have at least one outrageously overpaid, unproductive veteran on the team all the way through 2030.”
Cashman refused to confirm, but it is believed that Teixeira will be paid $18mm in each year of the contract. Terms of Cashman’s own resigning as GM weren’t disclosed, but it’s believed that his last contact paid him about $3 million a year for three years.
Although Bud Fox News did not seek a comment from him, the irrepressible John Sterling, the Yankees incoherent radio play-by-play announcer, who is an egregious “homer” and shameless shill for the franchise’s sponsors, called BFN’s sports desk to give his opinion of the deal:
“First let me say that my comments are brought to you by Levy, Phillips, and Konigsberg, a leader in asbestos litigation. And like I always say to my Yankees compañera Suzyn Waldman, ‘You just never know, do you? That’s baseball for you. Isn’t it a crazy game? Well, how do you like that?!’”
Noble Puffer, Professor of Sports Management at Oklahoma Territorial Normal School, when asked about the Teixeira development, was critical:
“Well, this is quantitative easing, MLB-style. Cashman introduced the concept years ago and he still practices it. He’s the Ben Bernanke of Major League Baseball. And just like Helicopter Ben, he doesn’t have a lot to show for all the money he’s thrown around recently. Remember, he needs a shortstop, maybe a closer, and probably another starting pitcher.”