If you are a regular guy and not a fashion-obsessed one, and you decide it’s time for a pair of new Levi’s, get ready for some potential confusion. Actually, even if you are among the clothes-concerned, prepare for perplexity. A visit to the Levi’s website (or even the Macy’s one, which offers fewer choices but sufficient bewilderment) introduces you to a Kafkaesque, sartorial Babel where colors have names like “anodized anthracite” and distinctions seem to have no difference. After reviewing the selection of Levi’s 511s on the company’s website, Susan Pantzaroff, Professor of Marketing at Northern Indiana Normal School and Business Institute, concluded: “Levi’s seems to be employing a cutting edge marketing technique called ‘Confuse the Customer.’ It’s quite popular in the mattress industry. But within the academic community, the jury is still out on whether it’s a good strategy. We need to run more regressions on it. But my first question to Levi’s would be, ‘Where’d you come up with a color called Shadow Bull Denim?’” Continue reading
Author Archives: Canada Bill Jones
Is There an Adult on Board? BofA Taps CEO Moynihan as Chairman
Two weeks ago, in a move that has disheartened corporate ethicists everywhere, even as far away as Russia, Bank of America’s board of directors voted to bestow upon CEO Brian Moynihan the additional title of chairman. The current chairman, Chad Holliday, will remain on the board. When reached for a comment by Bud Fox News, Charles Faux-Pas, Professor of Organizational Behavior at Trenton Christian University, remarked: “This action shows all the decision-making ability of a Florida State University Athletic Director. It’s like hiring a fidgety guy with really bad teeth and a nervous tic to work in the pharmacy department.” Continue reading
“To Drop the Ball”: Financial Expression of the Day
“To drop the ball,” to be guilty of a major oversight, to make a significant mistake. Usage note: This expression, used often in the investment banking world, is similar in meaning to “fall asleep at the wheel (or switch),” which will be the subject of a future FEotD post. However, today’s phrase is more effective because bankers respond so passionately to that good jock talk. It must be noted that one risks career suicide by using this expression about someone higher than you in the investment banking hierarchy. An associate, chagrined after a tongue-lashing from a senior VP on the “deal team” (another future FEotD) and in a moment of weakness, might confess to his office-mates (occupying a tiny, three-person internal closet with no windows), “Yeah, I really dropped the ball on that one, the global map of company operations in the pitchbook shades a little bit too much of Rhode Island.”
Fed Chief Yellen Says U.S. Will Issue Bitcoin-Denominated Bonds
In an explosive, in depth, and at times highly personal two-hour interview with Bud Fox News, Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen revealed that the U.S. government plans to issue bonds denominated in Bitcoin. The Fed Head indicated that the first such issuance would probably occur in the first calendar quarter of 2015 but that no decision had yet been made about maturity. Also during the interview, Yellen talked frankly about her battles with gambling addiction and working conditions under former Fed Chief Ben Bernanke. Continue reading
Apollo’s Leon Black to Star in Reality TV Show
E! Entertainment Television has announced that Leon Black, Chairman and CEO of Apollo Global Management, will star in The Prenup, a new reality television series. The program will showcase Black as he advises five stripper-loving finance industry veterans on how to craft prenuptial agreements that best protect their wealth. Black described his role to Bud Fox News: “These things are a lot like bond indentures. And I’ve been hosing over high yield investors for years at the negotiating table. Even though these hoochie mamas are way smarter than your average high yield guy, I’m pretty sure that I can get the better of them.” Continue reading
FHFA Director Loots Fannie Mae, Heads to Cayman Islands
Bud Fox News has learned that Mel Watt, the director of the Federal Housing Finance Authority (FHFA), invoking Judge Royce C. Lamberth’s recent high-five to big government in his decision in a DC District Court case (Perry Capital LLC v. Jacob Lew, Secretary of Treasury), has done a cash sweep of his own, swiping all of Fannie Mae’s (ticker FNMA) excess cash and heading to the Cayman Islands. Said a FHFA employee who asked to remain nameless: “Right after the decision was announced [Monday, September 29], Mel called me into his office. He had an open bottle of champagne on his desk, and he handed me a glass as soon as I walked in. He said a celebration was in order because of the Lamberth decision. At the time, I didn’t quite realize what he meant.” Continue reading
Peyote and Pathetic Football Bring Together Redskins Owner and Navajo Chief
Budfoxnews.com reader Fang Wang, a college application consultant whose fees are quite reasonable given his track record of getting teenage stoners into decent colleges, pointed out to Bud Fox News that this past Sunday Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder sat with Navajo Nation President Ben Shelly and his wife at the Redskins’ 30-20 loss to the Arizona Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium. The loss drops the Redskins to 1-5 on the season.
A Redskins executive who asked to remain anonymous told Bud Fox News that, in an odd attempt at diplomacy, Snyder took several buttons of peyote in Shelly’s presence before the game, which might explain Snyder’s somewhat strange subsequent behavior. In the photos below, Snyder can be seen staring skyward; struggling to form words and gesturing clumsily while Shelly looks on with the patience of a kindergarten teacher; and lastly, simply disappearing from the picture (he was apparently just outside the camera’s purview hooting like an owl and trying to turn his head all the way around his body). Continue reading
Porn Star Ron Jeremy Tapped to Head American Apparel
American Apparel (ticker APP) today announced that porn star Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy, patron saint of raincoaters everywhere, will replace interim CEO (and turnaround expert) Scott Brubaker. Tracked down on the set of his latest film, Clown Porn: The Parody II, Jeremy told Bud Fox News, “I’m excited about this opportunity. As Allan knows, I really want to stick it to the competition, and if possible, also do an IR DP on them.” Jeremy added that he likes his chances to accomplish the latter, which, the Hedgehog clarified, is an obscure, racially-integrative maneuver probably known to some victims of ex-CEO Dov Charney’s touchy-feely managerial style. Continue reading
Microsoft CEO to Women: Is Dinner Ready Yet?
Last Thursday, like a scene out of a misogynistic episode of the Twilight Zone, Microsoft (ticker MSFT) CEO Satya Nadella told the audience at, of all places, the Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing conference in Phoenix, Arizona the following:
“It’s not about asking for the raise, but knowing and having faith that the system will actually give you the right raises as you go along…And that, I think might be one of the additional superpowers that quite frankly women who don’t ask for a raise have. Because that’s good karma.”
Bud Fox News had dispatched female reporter Silence Bellows, equipped with all her superpowers, to cover the conference. When she approached Nadella after his remarks, he refused to even acknowledge her question, gave her a lecherous version of elevator eyes, and turned away. He was then overheard screaming the following at a female underling, who was dressed in a skin tight Wonder Woman outfit and towering high heeled boots: “I told you that I will not speak to female reporters! They’re unreliable, untrustworthy and unprofessional!” Continue reading
“Blocking and Tackling”: Financial Expression of the Day
“Blocking and tackling,” gerund, the fundamentals or basics. Usage note: Several erudite sociologists have noted that the rarefied world of investment banking is made up of two main types- those who wish they were traders and those who wish they were athletes. Today’s expression is a favorite for those who fall in the latter camp. A vice president, when giving instructions to a sleep-deprived, drooling associate about a worthless presentation that the client will never look at but will keep the ill-used associate in the office until about 3 a.m., might say: “We really need to watch our blocking and tackling on this pitch.”










