From the Loony Bin: O’s and Sox to Play in Empty Stadium, Etc…

Camden Yards

Wednesday’s Orioles-White Sox contest will be the first game closed to the public in MLB history. (Photo: Kate Drabinski)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • Twitter tank: Twitter shares drop 18% after leak of disappointing quarterly numbers.  (NBC)
  • 1Q GDP released tomorrow:  Atlanta Federal Reserve’s first quarter estimate now at 0.1%…that’s an annual rate.  (frbatlanta.org)
  • Not a sellout: On Wednesday, the Orioles and White Sox will play in an empty stadium.  (USA Today)
  • Persian Power Play: Iran boards Marshall Islands-flagged cargo ship; US sends destroyer to Gulf.  (NYT)
  • Battery boost: Tesla Motors’ stock advances ahead of Thursday’s unveiling of house-powering batteries.  (Bloomberg)
  • F you: Exasperated Texas A&M professor flunks his entire class.  (CNN)
  • The Mom-inator: Balitmore mother caught on video hitting son who rioted.  (CBS)

HR Management Question of the Day: Unreasonable Hedge Fund Boss

Fran from Queens, who works at a hedge fund, writes in with an interesting predicament.

Dear Bud Fox News, I’m the office manager at a small hedge fund in Manhattan. One of my responsibilities is the office decor. I’ve tried my best to make the place look professional but also welcoming for investor visits. To be honest, I think the office looks pretty good. The problem is that my bosses, who are the fund’s three portfolio managers, are not happy with the office plants. I’ve attached a photo of the one that drives them particularly nuts. I’ll admit that it’s looking a little strange. They’ve started making inappropriate jokes about the shape of the thing; they call it “Fran’s Phallic Fern.” And recently one of them told me that this plant is a test of my ability, that if I can’t get the thing to grow, they might “need” (his words) to think about replacing me. He gave me some BS about “having to step up and take ownership.” Can you please advise me on this?  Thanks, Fran

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It’s unclear whether Fran’s hedge fund bosses realize that this is an artificial office plant.

Dear Fran, what you have in your photo is an artificial office plant. No amount of watering, feeding, or chatting with it will do anything to make it grow. So there’s a good chance that you’re the victim of a practical joke that’s gone on way too long, a real possibility considering you’re dealing with PMs at a hedge fund. Your typical hedgie has a sense of humor formed in a crucible of unthinkable nerdiness and often dirty lucre, and his misfired jokes wouldn’t put a smile on the face of an easily amused schizophrenic strung out on methadone. Another scenario is more troubling but probably more likely: Your bosses might be so stupid that they don’t realize that the plant in question is fake. You see, despite all the fancy degrees and the use of terms like “convexity,” some hedge fund pros are unadulterated idiots. Continue reading

“Big Ask”: Bankerspeak Gone Wrong- The Video

Using a cell phone camera as deftly as a selfie-snapping Kardashian and showing undercover ability that would be the envy of any drunk-driving, hooker-patronizing Secret Service agent, one of our readers secretly filmed two colleagues babbling away in bankerspeak. He was kind enough to send us the video, in which the poor sucker on the left appears to be getting set up for an all-nighter by his French-cuffed, Rolex-wristed boss. As you’ll see, there are unintended consequences to trying to sound like a big shot around those unfamiliar with Wall Street lingo (we wrote about the ghastly and baffling use of the verb “ask” as a noun here). And at the very end, you’ll notice that even the little dog walks away from these two.

From the Loony Bin: Hillary Clinton aka $ecretary of $tate, Etc…

Hillary-Money (1)

For Sale: Secretary of State. (Image: Freedomworks.org)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • $ecretary of $tate: Hillary Clinton made favorable policy decisions for big donors to the Clinton Foundation and those who paid Bill Clinton exorbitant speaking fees.  (NY Times)
  • Obama’s “red line” vanishes: 60 Minutes revisits Syria’s gas attack but fails to mention the President’s ultimatum.  (PowerLine)
  • Underwear underwater: Frederick’s of Hollywood goes bankrupt.  (Breitbart)
  • State of higher education: “Honors” program at Northern Illinois University offers course on Game of Thrones…taught by two “professors.”  (ABC)
  • Demon seed: Couple sues sperm bank over schizophrenic dropout donor.  (Star Tribune)
  • Chip Kelly gets God: Eagles sign Tim Tebow.  (ESPN)
  • 77 F-bombs: Cincinnati Reds manager Bryan Price cuts loose.  (Cincinnati.com)

The Human Resource Management Question of the Day

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“Manage expectations”: Always take time at the beginning of interviews to make potential employers aware of any upcoming vacation plans that will make you unavailable during the first few months of a new job.  (Photo: recruitingblogs.com)

Today, with great pleasure and excitement, we introduce a new feature to the Bud Fox News site: Human Resource Management Question of the Day, which, like our Financial Expression of the Day, will not actually be a diurnal posting (but we hope it will appear often enough that our readers will come to view it as indispensable, educational, and humorous weekly reading). Drawing upon our years of Wall Street experience, where we witnessed a War and Peace-sized catalog of unsuitable behavior ranging from the mundane and unimaginative backstabbing and account-stealing to the less common although clearly more creative ordering-up of call girls for on-site carnal stress relief in Conference Room 32A, we will field questions from our readers about how to navigate the nasty twists and turns of corporate life.

Without further ado, Ralph from Brooklyn checks in with our inaugural query:

Dear Bud Fox News: I had a good job in back office at a hedge fund until about 10 months ago when the fund shut down because our anchor investor cashed out. Since then, I’ve tried everything- networking, internet job postings, you name it. I’m starting to feel desperate, but I’ve got an interview for a decent job next week. The problem is that my girlfriend and I have planned a vacation to the Bahamas for the first week in July. Do you think I should tell my interviewer right at the beginning of our conversation that there’s no way I can work that week? My gut tells me that I should get this right out in the open.  

Dear Ralph, You may not realize it, but you’re a natural.  The giveaway wasn’t so much your nifty and impressive use of the phrases “back office” (the admin and support area where trades are “cleared” and records maintained) and “anchor investor” (the first big investor in a fund) but your question, which reveals “C-suite” (ie, CEO, CFO, CTO, COO, etc) intuition, and your gut here is right on the money. Continue reading

From the Loony Bin: Handicapped Hillary, Etc…

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Rules are for the little people: Truth-handicapped Hillary Clinton, clad in garish pink jacket, stands next to her “Scooby Van,” conveniently parked in a spot for the disabled.

 

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • Riddle me this: A brain teaser from Singapore goes viral.  (NYT)
  • Bullish on Netflix: FBR analyst sets $900 price target.  (Barron’s)
  • Three go public: Etsy, Party City, Virtu are off and running.  (IBD)
  • Goggle is Euro-trashed: European Union charges Google with favoring its own businesses in web searches.  (Reuters)
  • Cheaters go public: Valuing itself at $1 billion, adultery site Ashley Madison plans London IPO.  (NBC)
  • “Helicopter” Ben moves on: Former Fed head Bernanke joins hedge fund Citadel.  (Reuters)
  • Citadel cont’d: Trader who lost $1 billion leaves firm.  (Bloomberg)
  • Your government at work: TSA groping is SOP.  (Time)
  • Hillary misremembers (again): All my grandparents were immigrants…one in four, actually.  (CNN)
  • Cuba Libre: Obama removes Fidel from terror list while Cuban-backed FARC kills 10 Columbian soldiers.  (PowerLineBlog)
  • Iran gets protection: Russia prepares to sell air defense-system to Iran.  (Reuters)
  • “Gyrocopter” for sale:  About $20K for one that looks like the White House crash-lander.  (aviomania)

From the Loony Bin: Hillary Clinton’s “Scooby Van,” Etc…

Hurry, journalist, run, run! Hillary’s server might be in the Scooby Van. (Note well: Reporters outnumber voters in the above video.)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • Yes, it’s tax time: How much does each quintile pay?  (TaxProfBlog)
  • Tough talk from the big man:  Chris Christie proposes higher retirement ages and means-testing for Social Security.  (MarketWatch)
  • Old dog, old tricks: Hillary Clinton’s “Scooby Van” is recycled from her 2000 Senatorial campaign.  (USA Today)
  • At JPMorgan Chase, big brother is watching you.  (NY Post)
  • Powerless? Contemptible “Doonesbury” cartoonist needs a vocabulary lesson for starters.  (NY Post)
  • The future is here: Drone crashes and burns while making asparagus delivery to restaurant.  (Int’l Business Times)
  • Tiger’s tall tale: Woods claims he reset dislocated wrist bone during Masters play.  (sbnation.com)

Steven A. Cohen’s Insider Trading Training Program to Begin This Summer

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Steven Cohen’s trainees will learn a new twist on a classic line from the movie “Glengarry Glen Ross.” (Photo: Alec Baldwin in movie “Glengarry Glen Ross”)

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“A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Cheating. Always be cheating. Always be cheating.”  (Picture: http://www.foxbusiness.com/)

In news that is beyond parody and a big middle finger to regulators and those simply trying to lead ethical lives, Bud Fox News has learned that Steven Cohen’s Point72 Asset Management is starting a training program. The excerpt below is not from The Onion or some other satirical organization; it’s from Friday’s New York Post:

Steven A. Cohen has hired a hedge fund industry veteran to head a new training program designed to pass the billionaire investor’s stock-picking skills to a new generation as he rebuilds after an insider trading scandal.

The program, which will be composed of an eight-week summer program for 15 college interns/juvenile delinquents and a longer program for 15 recent college graduates/potential convicts, will cover financial modeling, stock research, securities laws (ludicrously, in a 2011 deposition, Cohen said he was not familiar with Rule 10b5-1, the SEC rule that defines insider trading), and, if you can believe it, ethics and compliance. It’s as if Tiger Woods were teaching a class titled How to Resist Cocktail Waitresses and Stay True to Your Wife.

According to sources, the curriculum will focus on three modules:

  • Doctor, Doctor: The trainees will interview 50 doctors (all with access to market-moving, non-public drug trial data) and cull out the five best candidates to be dupes in insider trading schemes. Each trainee will have to justify his/her picks with a five-page paper. Coursework will be based on former SAC analyst, and convicted insider trader, Mathew Martoma’s relationship with erstwhile U. Michigan neurologist Sid Gilman, who was oh so eager to help.
  • Consulting 101: Trainees will be taught how to extract insider information from the professional consulting class. Rather than use too many examples from SAC’s own knavish history, instructors of this module will perform a case study of the Raj Rajaratnam insider-trading case, highlighting how the urbane Rajat Gupta, the former Managing Director of McKinsey & Company, flushed his reputation (and two years of his life, thanks to a prison sentence) down the toilet by passing to the fat man insider information on Goldman Sachs (Gupta was a board member), P&G (again, board member), and Berkshire Hathaway.
  • Six Degrees of Steven A. Cohen: This technique is quite possibly Cohen’s pièce de résistance. Trainees will be taught how to create a complicated chain of communication with sufficient contacts between them and the original source of insider information (Consultant A tells analyst B, who tells trader C, etc…) that trainees will have “plausible deniability” with respect to the current preposterously lenient insider trading laws, which we wrote about here. One might argue that Cohen cunningly used this technique in the Martoma case.

Continue reading

Rolling Stone Journalist Defecates on Editor’s Desk, Has Gym Privileges Suspended for Week

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Sabrina Erdely’s villain never existed, and at long last Rolling Stone has “officially” retracted her ham-handed, agenda-inspired yarn. (Photo: hollywoodhatesme.wordpress.com)

Rolling Stone journalist Boris Moros had been terrorizing colleagues for weeks. He had been writing factually inaccurate articles, with everyone’s knowledge, for months. Two weeks ago, he left a dead rat on a fact checker’s desk. Last week, he ran around the office wearing nothing but a diaper. Yesterday, finally, was the last straw. When asked by both his editor and the oh-so diligent fact-checker to independently confirm his anonymous source’s story, he completely flipped out, dropped his trousers then a turd on his boss’s desk. Naturally, Rolling Stone took immediate action and suspended his company gym privileges for one week.

Bud Fox News reports this fit of fecal freakism only because RS’s martinetish punishment of Mr. Moros strangely differs from its kid-glove treatment of those involved with author Sabrina Erdely’s entirely inaccurate word-turd titled “A Rape on Campus: A Brutal Assault and Struggle for Justice at UVA” that appeared on the magazine’s website last November 19 (which we wrote about here). This week, the Columbia School of Journalism released a scorching report that shed light on the outrageous journalistic incompetence at play in the magazine’s criminal release of a story that a bumbling Inspector Clouseau would have exposed as a hoax in about 15 minutes. Ineptitude, combined with a journalist’s shameful desire to push a political agenda, not only damaged the reputations of innocent individuals and the University of Virginia, but also probably damaged efforts to address sexual violence on campus. The whole affair has lots of pundits talking about “journalistic standards and practices” as if it’s some sort of secret code meant only for the erudite, but like most things that are made complicated by insiders looking to justify their livelihoods, this affair is pretty simple: 1) Don’t besmirch individuals’ and institutions’ reputations by printing “facts” on deathly serious topics when you haven’t done even a lick of work to prove them, and 2) don’t let your objectivity be clouded by a preexisting philosophy or pre-formed objective: According to Columbia’s report, Erdely said that “she was searching for a single, emblematic college rape case that would show ‘what it’s like to be on campus now … where not only is rape so prevalent….‘” Erdely’s article gave readers no reason to believe that she had studied life at UVa sufficiently to conclude that rape was indeed prevalent there. In her article, she also cited the debunked statistic that one in five college women is sexually assaulted, which at a school Virginia’s size, implies hundreds of sexual assaults per class. Did she stop to think about the sheer numbers that statistic suggested? Quite simply, Erdely was looking for an eye-popping story to neatly back her conclusions about UVa and college life in general, conclusions that she never bothered to prove.

Just a few observations about the Columbia release: Continue reading

Iranians Agree to Nuke Deal in Exchange for Redskins Franchise, 3 Draft Picks and Infidel to Be Named Later

Mohammad Javad Zarif

Iranian negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif is smiling for a reason: He’s haggled for a NFL franchise and .. (Photo: Pool/AP)

Tim Tebow

…might even acquire infidel Tim Tebow. (Photo: ESPN)

Screaming, “The infidel Tim Tebow is within our grasp,” chief Iranian nuclear negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif had reason to celebrate. In a brilliant gambit of brinkmanship this week, he convinced US Secretary of State John “Longface” Kerry that the Iranians were willing to walk away with no deal. Completely hoodwinked, Kerry pathetically pandered to the mullah’s obsession with the NFL in general and Tim Tebow in particular: For nothing in return, he handed them the Washington Redskins franchise along with three first-round draft picks and a player to be named later. Political pundits are speculating that the unnamed player is indeed Tebow, the genuflecting lightning rod of a lefty quarterback who won the 2007 Heisman Trophy. Professor Humperdink Fangboner, Director of the Hillary Clinton Benghazi Institute for Foreign Affairs at Eastern Southwestern Normal School, explained Kerry’s folly to Bud Fox News:

Kerry thought that he was killing two birds with one stone: one, keeping the Iranians at the negotiating table and two, finally getting rid of the pesky Redskins. Among President Obama’s supporters, the politically correct sticklers have wanted him to do something about the team’s name for a while. Kerry has assured everyone that the name will be changed to the Tehran Bombers for the start of the upcoming season. The mullahs love this deal because they are fixated on Tebow and think it will be demoralizing for millions of US football fans to see Tebow in a uniform that features the mushroom cloud logo of the Bombers. 

Continue reading