Source: Cleveland Browns Tricked Manziel into Rehab

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Johnny Football thinks he’s checked into rehab for a hamstring injury. (Photo: Deadspin)

The Cleveland Browns organization has gone public with a reasonable story: Johnny Manziel, in an uncharacteristic encounter with maturity, raised his hand and volunteered to enter rehab. The truth might be a little different. A team source tells Bud Fox News that Manziel was duped into going:

We tricked him, flat out. He’s so pickled in alcohol right now, we could have told him that we traded him to the Toronto Maple Leafs and he would have believed it. He had a hamstring injury at the end of the year, so we just told him that in the NFL, unlike college, you do off-season rehab for a hammie at an undisclosed live-in facility. Then we told him that while he was there, he’d be so loaded up with muscle relaxers that he wouldn’t be able to drink. He didn’t fight it that much, especially after we mentioned the painkillers. Of course, they’re gonna be placebos and we’ve got a hot physical therapist visiting him once a day to keep him fooled.

Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: King Abdullah II Channels Clint Eastwood, Etc…

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

King Abdullah II of Jordan is taking inspiration from this man… (Photo: Worldbulletin.net)

…Eastwood character Bill Munny, who said, “I’ve killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I’m here to kill you…”

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Here comes net neutrality: FCC Chairman Wheeler will propose rules to regulate ISPs. (USA Today)
Why he cut the Super Bowl’s “poopdown” celebration: NBC director attributes decision to his late mother. (Sporting News)
How about a drink? US booze sales up 4% in 2014, now 35.2% of market (beer 47.8%, wine 17%). (Fortune)
Holy cow: Coke to sell milk. (Washington Post)
The curse of Edward Snowden: Altegrity, security company that vetted leaker, goes belly up. (Herald)
Writer’s block has ended: Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird, to release a companion novel, Go Set a Watchman, in July. (The Atlantic)
Jordanian King channels Eastwood: In wake of depraved pilot immolation, Abdullah II quotes from Unforgiven, promises relentless war against ISIS. (Independent)

“Ask”: Financial Expression of the Day

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

When a banker says, “That’s a big ask,” don’t be confused. (Photo: popopics.com)

“Ask,” noun, a request. Usage note: Upon being asked by an unreasonable client, at say 5 p.m., for 23 hours worth of work to be delivered at 9 a.m. the next morning, an investment banker might say to the “deal team,” “Wow, that’s a really big ask.” This simple example, that is, the use of the verb “ask” as a noun, beautifully exposes the pathology and just plain weirdness of finance lingo and the workaholics who embrace it.

According to Constant Agony, the Jesse Jackson Professor of Linguistics at State Normal School for Women at Harrisonburg, who has served as a a translator in countless insider trading cases: Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: Office Affair, Etc…

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Taking a bite out of local politics: Jimmy the groundhog chomps on Sun Prairie, WI Mayor Jon Freund. (Photo: The Star, Christopher Mertes/AP)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Office affair: Staples and Office Depot in merger talks. (WSJ)
Gallup Inc. CEO: Unemployment rate is a Big Lie. (Gallup)
They’re not smartphones: Tablets sales register first y-o-y quarterly drop, down 3.2% in 4Q. (zdnet.com)
He’s yellin’ at Yellen: Harsh words for the Federal Reserve chair. (NY Post)
January hedge fund performance: Best and worst. (Zerohedge)
S&P pays up: McGraw Hill subsidiary agrees to pay $1.5 billion in penalties over pre-recession mortgage ratings; Moody’s in cross hairs next. (Investor’s Business Daily)
Chris Christie in the spotlight: Vaccine comments draw fire while NY Times attacks over travel. (Courier Post and New York Times)

From the Loony Bin: Pete Carroll’s Red Right 88, Etc…

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Super Bowl XLIX - New England Patriots v Seattle Seahawks

Pete Carroll can’t believe he just pulled a Rutigliano. (Photo: New York Post)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Red Right 88: Pete Carroll channels Sam Rutigliano and secures spot in Hall of Shame in loss to Pats. (Wikipedia)
Place your bets: Hedge funds increase their bullish wagers on gold to a two-year high. (mineweb.com)
If it moves, tax it: Obama proposes a one-time tax on overseas earnings. (WSJ)
What’d you say? NFL is on the case! League is investigating Falcons for ersatz crowd noise. (ESPN)
Imprisoned in Iran, Washington Post journalist draws hard-line judge. (Huffington Post)
Off-season rehab work? Johnny Football enters “treatment.” (Cleveland Plain Dealer)
The Groundhog speaks: Six more weeks. How’s Phil’s track record? (Live Science)
Say “no” to government bonds: Billionaire investor says holding gov’t debt is “quite nutty.” (Bloomberg)

Steer Clear of CNBC’s Scatological Investment Advice

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Wall Street’s version of this…

…is this CNBC program

At the nexus of entertainment, big-money television, and the average person’s desire to have more money, there was born a 24/7 buisness news cable channel called CNBC. Although there is the occasional interesting interview with a captain of industry, financial fat cat, or respected economist, the vast majority of what this blow-show propagates is not fit for consumption.

Take, for one example, “Fast Money”, a daily program featuring a panel of “expert” Wall Street “traders” talking about the day’s news and their on-the-spot clever trade ideas. Even the name stinks. Either it invites viewers to indulge in their baser desires to make a quick buck without working too hard or it seeks to sensationalize and theatricalize the archetypal Wall Street culture of fast-thinking and fast-talking money makers.

Stock Picking Entertainment for the Common Man

The program features polished, high-production-value graphics and rapid-fire pithy repartee between five or six regular and one or two guest panelists who all speak with consummate confidence and swagger using a deluge of slick financial yak. Not unlike professional wrestlers, they each have a ridiculous nick-name like “The Liquidator” or “The Pit Boss”- whether to be funny or cool or tough, it’s not clear. The bobblehead experts blather on about how to “play” (that is, trade in light of) this or that company’s earnings or other “catalyst”, what direction gold or oil are headed in and at what price one should buy or sell a hot-topic stock. There isn’t much analysis involved. There is little thoughtful discussion of investment pro’s and con’s or risk. No mention of any financial number from anything other than an income statement. And you won’t hear Benjamin Graham quoted on this program. This gig is mere investor-tainment. Like WWE professional wrestling billed as “sports entertainment”, but at least those BS artists admit it’s “entertainment” right up front. Or is it financial porn? All form and no substance. A glitzy show designed to increase your heart rate with the quick-witted banter and sham arguments interspersed with lottery-ticket stock advice. Continue reading →

Additional Jay Cutler Text Message Leaked

Posted on January 31, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

In a state of parental panic, Cutler sent his wife an anxious text. She responded sympathetically.

Cutler displays his typical, affable expression. (Photo: Dennis Wierzbicki/US Presswire)

As reported this week just about everywhere, Jay Cutler’s wife, former reality-TV star Kristin Cavallari, had some fun at his expense by posting an Instagram photo of a text message from a frantic Cutler, who was apparently home alone with their two children and in need of spousal support. Bud Fox News has learned that a least one additional Cutler text has leaked, this one to quarterback Mark Sanchez, who started the Philadelphia Eagles final eight games in place of injured first-stringer Nick Foles but is now a free agent. Here is the wording of the message:

Mark, need u in Chi asap
All hell has broken loose
I threw too many picks
am overpaid
and I hate these people
I want to leave

Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: Comcast Customer Disservice, Etc…

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Customer “Asshole Brown” will probably be taking his business elsewhere…

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Customer disservice: Comcast changes customer account name to “Asshole Brown.” (The Hill)
Goose egg growth: Many so-called experts expect no 1Q earnings growth for companies in S&P 500. (CNBC)
Insider trading is getting easier: Manhattan Attorney General drops five cases. (Reuters)
GDP growth slows in 4Q. (Investor’s Business Daily)
I’m not paying the bill: Obama proposes 7% spending increases. (USA Today)
NFL fines Lynch for crotch-grabbing but is happy to make money from the the photo. (sbnation.com)
George Will on Bud Selig: The revisionist history is already starting for the man who almost ruined baseball. (Washington Post)
Canada Bill Jones picks the Deflators over the Crotch-grabbers, Williams over the moaning, groaning, orgasmic Sharapova, and the Cavs over the Blue Devils. (Canada Bill Jones)
Jack Nicklaus looks untouchable: Tiger Woods shoots 82. (ESPN)
That’s an understatement: Crazy Joe Biden speaks, admits decisions “hard to explain.” (CBS)

NYC Area News Programs May Eliminate Weather Segment After Pathetic Storm Juno Performance

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

WABC-TV’s Lee Goldberg: Was Winter Storm Juno his last blown call?

A source who works on a local New York City television news desk for one of the big four networks has told Bud Fox News that several local NYC TV stations are considering scrapping the weather portion of their news broadcasts in the wake of the erroneous and abominable Winter Storm Juno forecasts. Doing away with the weather report would save on production costs and free up time. Said the source:

This is pretty much a fait accompli. I know of one station that already has a replacement segment in the works. They’ll be running a daily Bruce Jenner gender meter. They expect viewership to go through the roof.

Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: 1973 Knicks Liked Their Balls Soft Too, Etc…

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

The 1973 Knicks preferred a deflationary environment. (Photo: George Kalinsky)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

1973 Knicks took the air out of the ball. (NY Daily News)
So much for the independent Federal Reserve: Fed Head Yellen has private lunch with only Senate Democrats. (Wall Street Journal)
Are you a legal illegal immigrant? Border agents told to ask illegals if they qualify for president’s new amnesty plan. (The Oregonian)
Sister Act: Nuns are renting out rooms at Our Lady of Guadalupe Monastery for Super Bowl Sunday. (Arizona Republic)