In a shocking announcement, Jos. A. Bank Clothiers (ticker JOSB), known for its nearly constant sales, has announced that it will not have a sale this weekend. A company spokesman explained:
“As a service to our loyal customers, we have decided not to have a sale this weekend. We always listen to what our customers have to say, and they have made it clear they want this. And we agree with them. They deserve the clarity of knowing that they will pay the full price as marked on the ticket. No more need to do any difficult calculations in your head, just come on in and pay full price.”
Bud Fox News reporter Silence Bellows spoke to Jos. A. Bank customers about today’s news outside the chain’s location at the MarketFair in Princeton, NJ. Said Primrose Goo, 35, of nearby Hamilton, who had emerged from the store empty-handed.
“I really like the no-sale idea. I used to buy things there for my husband, but it just got too confusing. I forgot my calculator the last time I actually bought something in the store and I got so nervous. I think it was ‘Buy 1 suit at regular price, and get your next mortgage payment waived.’ I told them we were renting our apartment, and when I asked them whether we could do a few car payments instead, I had to wait like 20 minutes to speak with a manager. Full price will be way easier.”
Barnard Bee, 35, who had been shopping at Banana Republic, also liked the sound of the full price policy:
“To be honest I stopped going there. But I’ll check out full price day. The last time I was there, I was shopping for work clothes. I can’t remember the sale, I think it was ‘Buy 1 topcoat, get first suit 1/3 off, get second suit 2/5 off, and a week’s worth of entrees at the Cheesecake Factory.’ When I got home and looked at my receipt, I had only spent $150. I was really pissed. I had budgeted $300, so I had to get back in my car and drive 30 minutes back to the store. I spent the rest on the ‘Buy 1 pair of shoes, get an unmatched 2d pair free.’”
In a pleasant surprise, Silence bumped into Susan Pantzaroff, Professor of Marketing at Northern Indiana Normal School and Business Institute. When asked for a comment, the professor, who was running into Bank’s, yelled back to Silence:
“I can’t talk right now. I’ve got a ‘Buy a suit, get a snow blower’ coupon that I better use before this weekend.”