US Military: Transgenders Are In, But Trans Fats Are Out

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Transgender? Uncle Sam wants you. Trans fats, on the other hand, will be forced out of the military.

Back on July 13, Defense Secretary Ashton Carter issued two directives that moved the Pentagon closer to allowing transgender men and women to serve openly in the military. Considering this administration just cut a nuclear deal with Iran that didn’t require “anytime-anywhere” inspections” or the return of four US hostages but, in banana republic fashion, was submitted for UN approval before the US Congress had concluded its own vote on the pact, nothing it does really surprises and Carter’s edict was greeted with a yawn. However, yesterday Carter made additional remarks about the new policy that finally caused the uproar this utterly ridiculous topic deserves and had manipulators of special interest group politics accusing him of “fatism.” Here’s what Carter said:

You’ll be able to serve as a transgender, but there will be no place in the military for trans fats.

Continue reading →

NYSE Outage Due to Jammed Ticker Tape Machine

Posted on July 9, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Florence and Grace, shown yesterday after the resumption of trading, are the only two NYSE employees allowed in the exchange’s “nerve center.” (Photo: wikipedia.com)

At 11:32 a.m. yesterday, the New York Stock Exchange suspended trading for almost four hours (it reopened at 3:10 p.m.). Apoplectic Cassandras everywhere were immediately screaming that the US financial markets were under a “cyber-attack,” but at 12:09 p.m, the NYSE, in attempt to quell fears, issued an explanatory press release so incoherently worded that it may have been fed through the Nazi Enigma machine. The Exchange attributed the problem to a “configuration issue,” and here is an excerpt from the NYSE’s atrocious attempt at corporate (mis)communication and damage control:

On Tuesday evening, the NYSE began the rollout of a software release in preparation for the July 11 industry test of the upcoming SIP timestamp requirement. As is standard NYSE practice, the initial release was deployed on one trading unit. As customers began connecting after 7am on Wednesday morning, there were communication issues between customer gateways and the trading unit with the new release. It was determined that the NYSE and NYSE MKT customer gateways were not loaded with the proper configuration compatible with the new release.

In attempt to parse the gobbledygook, yesterday afternoon Bud Fox News‘ Silence Bellows slipped past the NYSE’s security detail and went looking for the real cause of the outage. She quickly reconnoitered the trading floor, full of high powered computers and dazzling technological equipment, and decided the answer wasn’t there. Then down a dark corridor on a mostly unoccupied floor of the NYSE building at 11 Wall Street in lower Manhattan, Silence came upon a door cryptically marked “Ticker Tape Room: Authorized Personnel Only.” Behind that door was a room that time had forgotten, and Silence discovered that like the Wizard of Oz, who’s really just an ordinary old man from Omaha standing behind a flimsy curtain, the US’s best known stock exchange, for decades a symbol of American capitalism, is really just a Potemkin village of CNBC photo ops, behind which two anachronistic ladies, Florence and Grace, armed with a ticker-tape machine and tote board, try their best to prevent the NYSE from losing more market share to NASDAQ. Continue reading →

Pope to Play Madison Square Garden, Then Advise Jackson on Knick Player Personnel

Posted on July 7, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

The Pope has described the play of last year’s Knicks as “sinful.” (Photo: unamsanctamcatholicam.blogspot.com)

On Tuesday, June 30, the Vatican released a detailed schedule of the Pope’s upcoming visit to the United States, which will include a stop in New York City. The Vatican’s press release indicated that the leader of the Catholic Church will celebrate mass at Madison Square Garden on Friday, September 25, a venue that’s a bit of a papal departure since Popes Benedict and John Paul II opted for the larger Yankee Stadium. NYC fans of good music are hoping that the MSG Papal Mass is intended as an exorcism of sorts and will permanently expel from the premises Billy Joel, who has been defiling the arena monthly with his ungodly bad, melodramatic fare with no end in sight (tone deaf local press use the oxymoron “artist in residence” to describe the tympanum-offending arrangement).

Today the Vatican leaked why Pope Francis chose the home court of the New York Knicks for his largest NYC mass: He will meet with Phil Jackson afterward to give the Zen Master advice on how to turn around the ailing franchise, whose play last year the Pope has described as “sinful” and “a disgrace to the 2nd largest Catholic diocese in the US.”

A source within the Vatican told the sports desk at Bud Fox News: Continue reading →

Stonie Roasts Chestnut to Win Nathan’s Hot-Dog-Eating Contest; Chris Christie Pulls No-Show

Posted on July 4, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Joey Chestnut, left, and Matt Stonie compete in Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest men's competition Saturday July 4, 2015 in the Coney Island section in the Brooklyn borough of New York. Stonie came in first eating 62 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. Chestnut came in second eating 60 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes. (AP Photo/Tina Fineberg)

Eating a duodenum-affronting 62 dogs in ten minutes, Matt “Megatoad” Stonie edged out 8-time champ Joey Chestnut. (AP Photo/Tina Fineberg)

It is as American as it gets. On this most important of days, our nation’s anniversary…there they were: On stage, four regular-looking guys (think of them as the Four Horsemen of the Esophagus given their dedication to their avocation), from various walks of life, pushing themselves past their limits, giving it everything they have, striving for greatness in front of the adoring crowd, one of them finally reaching the pinnacle of success from relative obscurity, in the process proving that in this country, hard work does indeed pay off. In this fairy tale of the American dream, there was only going to be one winner, and that was the edacious Matt “Megatoad” Stonie, who won the annual Nathan’s Hot-Dog-Eating Contest and defeated defending champion Joey Chestnut by inhaling 62 dogs in ten minutes. Chestnut, who ate 60 wieners, has nothing to be ashamed of: He held the contest’s Mustard Belt, indisputably the Holy Grail of the competitive eating circuit, for eight consecutive years, certainly putting him in the conversation for greatest athlete of all time, regardless of sport (he has been called “the Bill Russell of competitive eating“).

“I trained hard for this,” Stonie told ESPN, which televised the contest earlier today, a curious move for the network because the event doesn’t glorify violence and poor sportsmanship, the promotion of which seems to be the network’s raison d’etre.

With great confidence, Bud Fox News had reported that Chris Christie would participate in today’s contest. According to sources close to Nathan’s, Christie decided to withdraw after an explosive training regimen. One of Christie’s campaign advisors, who asked to remain anonymous, told Bud Fox News: Continue reading →

Tea Party Puts Bounty on Head of Chief Justice John Roberts

Posted on June 26, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

US Supreme Court Chief Justice John G. Roberts participates in the courts official photo session on October 8, 2010 at the Supreme Court in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO / TIM SLOAN (Photo credit should read TIM SLOAN/AFP/Getty Images)

Chief Justice John Roberts’s shit-eating grin says it all: “Hey, Republicans, I fooled you- I’m no conservative!” (Photo: Tim Sloan/AFP/Getty Images)

For the Tea Party and small government types everywhere, a 5 to 4 loss in King v. Burwell (i.e., the ObamaCare court case whose decision was released by the Supreme Court yesterday) would have been bad enough, but with swing-vote Justice Kennedy’s juridical philosophy about as reliable as a drunk’s mid-bender promise to be home at a decent hour, such a setback was a distinct possibility. But for that same group of conservatives, yesterday’s 6-3 outcome was more than a defeat, it was a betrayal, with the supposedly conservative Chief Justice John Roberts, who was appointed by a clearly bamboozled George W. Bush, siding with the court’s liberal faction (Ginsburg, Breyer, Sotomayor, Kagan).

On the run from Tea Party operatives, Roberts is rumored to have sought refuge in Berkeley, CA, where he will complete his voluntary liberal indoctrination therapy. Continue reading →

Donald Trump: The Buck Stops Hair

Posted on June 17, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

With his announcement yesterday, The Donald becomes the 12th major candidate for the Republican presidential nomination. (Photo: http://blog.linkup.com/)

Donald Trump’s entire announcement speech, which is worth reading, is here. The video of red-faced, tornado-haired, often off-the-cuff Trump giving this speech is hilarious and shouldn’t be missed. Here are a few of the highlights:

Our country is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time. When did we beat Japan at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Chevrolet in Tokyo? It doesn’t exist, folks. They beat us all the time.
Last week, I read 2,300 Humvees— these are big vehicles— were left behind for the enemy. 2,000? You would say maybe two, maybe four? 2,300 sophisticated vehicles, they ran, and the enemy took them.
You have to be hit by a tractor, literally, a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high, it’s virtually useless. It’s virtually useless. It is a disaster. And remember the $5 billion website? $5 billion we spent on a website, and to this day it doesn’t work. A $5 billion website. I have so many websites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a website. It costs me $3.
Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people, but we have people that are stupid. We have people that aren’t smart
Right now, think of this: We owe China $1.3 trillion. We owe Japan more than that. So they come in, they take our jobs, they take our money, and then they loan us back the money, and we pay them in interest, and then the dollar goes up so their deal’s even better. How stupid are our leaders? How stupid are these politicians to allow this to happen? How stupid are they?
I love China. The biggest bank in the world is from China. You know where their United States headquarters is located? In this building, in Trump Tower. I love China. People say, “Oh, you don’t like China?” No, I love them. But their leaders are much smarter than our leaders, and we can’t sustain ourself with that. There’s too much— it’s like— it’s like take the New England Patriots and Tom Brady and have them play your high school football team. That’s the difference between China’s leaders and our leaders.
I’m using my own money. I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich.
I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.
I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. And we won’t be using a man like Secretary Kerry that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who’s making a horrible and laughable deal, who’s just being tapped along as they make weapons right now, and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg. I won’t be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.

Clinton Foundation to Assume Control of FIFA

Posted on June 16, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

To be held in 2018, the inaugural World Cup Beauty Pageant will be emceed by…Bill Clinton. (Photo: Powerlineblog.com)

It is a match made in corruption heaven: The laughably venal and hopelessly conflicted Clinton Foundation took a break today from soliciting bribes to announce that it will assume control of FIFA, one of the few international entities that might rival Bill and Hillary’s cash machine with respect to its complete and utter lack of shame.

This past weekend, in attempt to save the scandal-plagued governing body of international soccer, the United Nations (whose “Human Rights” Council includes the following freedom-loving Arcadias: Venezuela, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Russia, Pakistan, Kuwait, Cuba and China) intervened in FIFA’s unraveling nightmare and made the appointment. The UN disclosed earlier today that the Clinton Foundation beat out a Colombian drug cartel in a close vote.

Quite naturally, Hillary Clinton was not available for comment on the announcement because ever since she was thoughtful enough to have saved the Obama administration time and taxpayer money by deleting all her innocuous State Department emails, she speaks only with press members who semi-secretly work for her campaign, a consideration that must be true because even the Huffington Post has acknowledged it.

On the other hand, Bill Clinton, who with each passing day becomes more a cross between the bullshit-spouting Foghorn Leghorn of cartoon fame and the bumbling and completely unethical Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard, couldn’t resist an opportunity to respond when asked for more detail by a bosom-heaving, mini-skirted reporter who looked more like a Vivid girl than a journalist. In the spirit of his middle-finger-brandishing “ha ha, catch me if you can” interview with Bloomberg News, the former president explained: Continue reading →

Separated at Birth: FIFA Scoundrel Chuck Blazer and UVa Professor R. Edward Freeman

Posted on June 4, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Was Chuck Blazer, shown here giving a thumbs up to corruption with FIFA President Sepp Blatter, leading a double life… (Photo: Frank May/European Pressphoto Agency)

University of Virginia Darden School of Business MBA Program

…as Professor R. Edward Freeman of UVa’s Darden School of Business? (Photo: http://www.darden.virginia.edu/)

Question: Has thoroughly unscrupulous former FIFA executive committee member/bribe-taker/wire-wearer Chuck Blazer been leading an ironic double life as the erudite R. Edward Freeman, Professor at UVa’s Darden School of Business, author of the definitive and award-winning Strategic Management: A Stakeholder Approach, and, of all things, Academic Director of the Business Roundtable Institute for Corporate Ethics?

Continue reading →

Chris Christie to Enter Nathan’s Annual July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest

Posted on June 1, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

This July 4th, Joey Chestnut will look to win a mind- and stomach-blowing 9th consecutive “Mustard Belt,” but… (Photo: Monika Graff/Getty Images)

…upstart Chris Christie can’t be taken lightly. (Photo: http://www.pennpoliticalreview.org)

He is known for having a big mouth. He appears to be suffering the consequences of an even bigger appetite. And in the face of personal all-time low approval ratings and his state’s nine credit rating downgrades, his presidential aspirations seem the biggest of pipe dreams. In what can only be viewed as a desperate bid for non-Bridgegate-related media attention while trying to stay relevant in the Republican presidential primary conversation, the New Jersey Governor, known back in his early teen years as “Chicken Bone” Christie for how quickly he could gnaw down a chicken bone to nothing more than a splinter, has announced that he will participate in the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, held every July 4th on Coney Island, NY. Last year, Joey Chestnut, indisputably the Lebron James of the competitive eating circuit, ate 61 dogs in 10 minutes to win the Mustard Belt for the eighth consecutive year. If Christie or legitimate challenger Matt “Megatoad” Stonie, who played Mantle to Chestnut’s Maris last year by ingesting 56 dogs in a battle royal that competitive eating fans still haven’t stopped analyzing, can’t beat him this summer, then Chestnut will have collected a whopping nine Mustard Belts, a herculean achievement certainly comparable (or perhaps superior given the individual nature of Chestnut’s potential exploit) to the nine World Series rings Joe DiMaggio won with the New York Yankees.

Anthony Cacciatore, 47, of Bayonne, NJ, who recently attended a Republican fundraiser where he saw Christie in action, thinks the governor has a good shot at taking down Chestnut: Continue reading →

Obama Orders Coast Guard to Fight Climate Change with Ice Cube Drops

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Step gingerly, Mr. President, the ground beneath you is afire from “climate change.” (Photo: Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

In the face of almost two decades of flat global temperatures, President Obama was smart enough to invoke “climate change” instead of “global warming” at his commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy last week. But that’s where his cerebral activity came to a screeching halt. Yes, indeed, the man who exhibited the solipsism of a Kardashian when he told an infatuated electorate and media on election night 2008 that people would look back on his victory as the moment “when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war…,” told the cadets that climate change, yes- that’s right, would be one of their nastiest enemies:

And this brings me to the challenge I want to focus on today — one where our Coast Guardsmen are already on the front lines, and that, perhaps more than any other, will shape your entire careers — and that’s the urgent need to combat and adapt to climate change.

Continue reading →