From the Loony Bin: Obama’s Selfie Stick, Etc…

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Obama: I’ve got two years left, and I’m going to enjoy them.

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Mugging for the camera: Our President speaks softly but carries a selfie stick (Buzzfeed)
Joe Biden and his “butt buddy”: The VP says a strange hello to an old friend in Iowa. (Weekly Standard)
Hedgie enhanced interrogation techniques: Pershing Square’s Bill Ackman interviews Bridgewater’s Ray Dalio. (NYT)
Consumer downer: Sentiment falls in February from 11-year high. (Reuters)
Brian Williams strikes again: Another possible tall tale. (Breitbart)
Extreme hand-checking? Dwight Howard demonstrates a new version. (wwtdd.com)
Bradley is now Chelsea: Military approves sex-change hormone therapy for Wikileaks traitor Manning. (USA Today)

From the Loony Bin: Happy Birthday, Lincoln, Etc…

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

The 16th President of the United States, who supposedly preferred being called by his last name, was born on February 12, 1809.

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Forceless: Obama’s proposed anti-ISIS authorization for the use of force prohibits ground troops. (NRO)
Guilty until proven innocent: IRS says it’s sorry for seizing small business bank accounts. (NY Times)
Power failure: Electric car-maker Tesla’s 4Q performance is below expectations. (IBD)
Bad gas: US retail sales fall 0.8% in January on 9.3% drop in gas station sales. (IBD)
Did he fail Econ 201? Obama attacks Staples over healthcare. (Reuters)
Backing out: Tiger Woods is taking a golf leave of absence over lousy back, lousy play. (Sports Illustrated)
Revealing: Sports Illustrated stirs up controversy with its swimsuit edition cover. (localsyr.com)

Itinerary Leaked for Brian Williams’ 6-month Fabulist Vacation

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Brian Williams might visit District 12 during his Fabulist Vacation. (Photo: Lions Gate Films)

A source at NBC has told Bud Fox News that Brian Williams’ six-month suspension will allow him to work on a project that he’s been pitching to the network for several months. Said the source:

When he first pitched this project, we all thought he was joking, but he was dead serious. The guy is truly ready for the funny farm.

Meant to be a TV travelogue, Williams’ project will show him visiting a number of well known spots and conducting interviews with the locals. According to the source, people knew Williams was a straight-jacket candidate when he spoke about the destinations he had in mind. The source provided Bud Fox News a list of Williams’ proposed destinations. They include the following: Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: Brian Williams to Embark on Fabulist Vacation, Etc…

Posted on February 11, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Brian Williams: Daydreaming of a fabulist vacation?

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

The Big Apple: Apple first US company to manage $700 billion market cap, 2x Google, 8x McDonald’s, 12x GM. (WSJ)
Goldman Sachs CEO to banks: Stop whining about regulations. (NY Post)
Be careful while looking for love: More than 60% of dating apps vulnerable to hacking. (Intl Business Times)
What a twit: Twitter CFO’s account hacked. (engadget.com)
Who believed him anyway? Obama never opposed gay marriage. (Time)
Coincidence? Brian Williams suspended; Jon Stewart to leave Daily Show. (NY Times and USA Today)
Not for the little people: Tickets to today’s Jeb Bush fundraiser are $100K each. (Politico)
Holocaust chic: In a typically moronic move, Urban Outfitters sells tapestry that looks like a Holocaust uniform. (Yahoo)
Put that trophy down: Little League Baseball strips Chicago team of US championship. (ESPN)
Obituary: Hall of Fame coach Jerry Tarkanian, 84, dies. (ESPN)
Good thing he clarified: Ohio State qb Cardale Jones offers more details on crushing hospital kids in video games. (Deadspin)
Shoe trade: Man pawns 283 pairs of Nike Air Jordans to buy apartment. (CNN)
American ISIS captive Kayla Jean Mueller is dead. (NBC)

It’s a Ron-off: Ron Burgundy, Ron Jeremy Top Candidates to Replace Brian Williams

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Fake anchorman Ron Burgundy…

…and adult film “actor” Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy are the leading candidates for anchorman Brian Williams’ job. (Photo: Getty Images North America)

A source at NBC has told Bud Fox News that porn star Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy, patron saint of raincoaters everywhere, and Ron Burgundy, protagonist of the movies Anchorman and Anchorman 2, have emerged as the top two candidates to replace disgraced NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. Said the source:

It’s true. NBC management thinks that both Rons have a lot in common with Brian. Take Ron Jeremy. To many people, the guy lives some sort of fantasy life. And so does Brian. As far as Ron Burgundy, well, he’s a made-up character who reports made-up news. So is Brian, when you think about it. If I had to handicap this one, I think Jeremy is the front-runner. If he’s not contractually committed to filming “Nude World Order II” next month, then I think the job is his.

Tracked down on the set of his latest film, Gluteus to the Maximus Part IV, Jeremy was excited: Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: Knicks’ Owner Shows Signs of Mental Illness, Etc…

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

hillary-clinton-unflattering-photo-cheering

Get pumped: Baseball’s spring training starts next week.

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Idiot son: New York Knicks’ owner James Dolan, offspring of Cablevision founder Charles Dolan, tells disgruntled fan, “…mean while (sic) start rooting. (sic) for the Nets…” (NY Daily News)
Rope-a-dope: Rope used in Saddam Hussein’s execution up for auction. (Washington Times)
Shack attack: Analyst initiates on Shake Shake with price target half of current level. (IBD)
Be sure to read the fine print: Seasonal adjustments helped the January jobs number. (NY Post)
Bruce Gender: 1976 decathlon winner admits he’s taking hormones as part of gender shift. (Page Six)
Swiss Leak: Details emerge, including names (Christian Slater?), on global bank HSBC’s multibillion-dollar money laundering/tax-evading operation. (Zero Hedge)
Alabama makes 37: Supreme Court decision makes Alabama the 37th state to allow gay marriage. (Bloomberg)
Word ban: U Michigan’s Inclusive Language Campaign banishes words like “crazy” and “insane.” (The College Fix)
Not “Lovin’ It”: McDonald’s sales in Asian markets drop 12.6%. (Fortune)

From the Loony Bin: Comcast Strikes Again, Etc…

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Did Comcast fondly rename a customer “Super B—– Bauer”?

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

New identity: Comcast customer disservice may have given her a name change. (CNN)
The other side speaks: FCC Commissioner blasts FCC Chairman’s net neutrality proposal. (Daily Caller)
I have (and am) a pain in the arse: Saying, “My glutes are shutting off,” Tiger Woods withdraws from Farmers Insurance Open. (sb nation.com)
The Lockjaw speaks: Tom Brokaw wants Brian Williams canned. (NY Post)
The high horse is no doubt reserved for the President: Spouting moral equivalencies at a breakneck pace, Obama gives the worst speech of his presidency. (whitehouse.gov)
Jobs “surprise to the upside”: Employers add 257K positions in January, while December and November figures are revised upward. (USA Today)
Pulling the plug: Radio Shack goes belly up. (Fortune)

“Project Falcon”: Financial Expression of the Day

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Like Maxwell Smart's concealed phone, a shrewd deal-man will conceal his "project"

Like Maxwell Smart’s concealed phone, the spying deal-man will conceal his “project”

“Project Falcon”, noun phrase, a characteristic code name for any confidential proceeding, such as a potential merger, take-over, leveraged buy-out, or other financial transaction. Usage Note: When bankers are working on their latest deal, rather than talk about the companies involved directly, they like to make up a code name to use in lieu of the actual situation. So on their computer hard drive when they’re working on a deal for say, Sears acquiring Target, they’ll name that engagement and file, for example, “Project Falcon”. In the rarefied world of private equity, investment banking and even asset management, the protagonists like to think of themselves as tough, street smart, military-like combatants. They fancy themselves generals on a field of battle with troops arrayed and lives at stake. One manifestation of this pathology comes in the form of project code names. Not unlike Military Operation code names, project code names have a sophisticated, covert ring to them. The primary difference is, there’s nothing so serious at stake as the financiers would like to believe. Continue reading →

Who said it? Brian Williams or Ron Burgundy?

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Both of these men…

…drink Scotchy Scotch Scotch.

“I immediately regret this decision.”
“You are only as good as the coach thinks you are.”
“Spectators are getting baked in the sun, not the good kind.”
“More toward the holy crap.”
“We’re over Indian country.”
“This is unpoliced, virgin territory.”
“You are a smelly pirate hooker. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

Continue reading →

Brian Williams: Hillary Inspired Me to Make It All Up

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Influenced by Hillary Clinton’s fictitious account of facing sniper fire in Bosnia, Brian Williams joined the ranks of the fabulists. (Photo: fansided.com)

As has been extensively reported, Brian Williams admitted yesterday that although he’s been confidently telling the tall tale for years, he was in fact not aboard a military helicopter that was hit and forced down by an RPG on the eve of the Iraq War in 2003. On a visit to the Late Show with David Letterman in 2013, Williams, displaying a cocky élan that now seems to belie some sort of psychosis and certainly deserves an ignominious job dismissal, regaled the cranky sexagenarian host with a story that includes this complete fabrication: “…two of our four helicopters were hit by ground fire including the one I was in.” He was clearly having a ball telling this anecdote and making himself out to be a fearless yet fun, hot-zone-loving, bad-ass journalist. Wiliams’ most recent telling of this story, just last week during a televised tribute to a retired soldier at a New York Rangers hockey game, is what got him in trouble. Soldiers actually involved in the incident saw the broadcast and told Stars and Stripes newspaper that Williams was full of crap, which led to Williams’ weird, vacant 50-second, on-air apology last night. The brief mea culpa is fascinating to watch because everything about the anchorman’s delivery- facial expression, tone of voice, body language- would make you think that he’s blithely talking about a third party or something totally unserious like the Little League World Series. It also makes you think that he might have a borderline personality disorder.

Bud Fox News‘ Silence Bellows was able to have a brief, exclusive conversation with Williams early this morning. He admitted that he thought he could get away with it: Continue reading →