Last night’s American Football match between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Houston Texans will be added to the list of military disasters, Wikipedia editors said this morning. Continue reading
NYC Commuter Armegeddon Just a Tunnel Away
Hour 5 of your NJ to NYC commute…
In an outlandish and resoundingly unsuccessful attempt at damage control after the release of an engineering report earlier this month that suggested the possibility of massive repair-related delays for New Jersey Transit commuters, Amtrak has held several town hall meetings for train-riders in North Jersey. At one such gathering in Union County last week, a company spokesman had some baffling advice for those preparing for the prospect of almost no New Jersey-to-NYC train service: Continue reading
“Tighten This Up”: Financial Expression of the Day
“Just tighten this up.”
“To tighten up,” to completely redo something, such as a client presentation. Usage note: This expression, uttered in an understated, almost conspiratorial tone, is heard most often in the investment banking part of the financial world. It’s always used in “downstream” fashion, that is, someone higher in the hierarchy, a vice president, for example, will employ it when addressing an overworked associate (who’s developed nervous tics from near exhaustion). Continue reading
Obama Appoints White House Chef with No Kitchen Experience
Obama White House: No experience necessary?
In a move that has critics questioning his judgment, President Obama announced this afternoon that he has selected a woman with no kitchen experience whatsoever as the next White House executive chef. The president’s pick, Bambina Broccoli, 34, is a resident of Pennington, New Jersey, where she works as a real estate agent. Bud Fox News tracked down Ms Broccoli at Weidel Realtors, where she summed up her reaction to the news: “I’m shocked. I didn’t even realize that I was under consideration. To be honest, I’m not much of a cook. I don’t think I’ve turned on my oven in the last six months.” When asked whether she was worried about not being qualified, Ms Broccoli said, “I guess a little bit. Do you think the president made some sort of mistake because of my last name?” Continue reading
It’s Friday afternoon. How’s that investment memo coming?
WHO Chief Chan: Stress From Ebola Crisis Drove Me to Smoke
WHO Chief Chan: Smoke ’em if you got ’em.
World Health Organization Director-General Margaret Chan, who on Monday took a much needed break from all her hard work battling the Ebola crises to attend a convention in Russia on tobacco control, has admitted to Bud Fox News that, “The stress of managing our response to the Ebola crisis has been so great that I started smoking. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I find that a cigarette really calms me down.” Asked whether she was worried about setting a bad example, she responded: “I’m an adult, and the decision to smoke is completely my own. And anyway, as the head of an agency within the United Nations, the rules don’t apply to me. Things like smoking bans only apply to the little people because we know what’s best for them.” Continue reading
“The Process”: Financial Expression of the Day
Investment bankers love “the process.”
The process, noun, any undertaking that involves following a specific, multi-step procedure. Usage note: This is a versatile word that any self-respecting investment banker uses several times a day. Warning: Those lower on the totem pole, e.g., analysts and associates, should use this term sparingly and with great caution, or they run the risk of appearing too ambitious. A managing director might say: Continue reading
Donald Sterling Has Missing Windows 9
Why is Sterling smiling? Because he’s got Windows 9.
It’s been a tough couple of weeks for Microsoft (ticker MSFT). On top of CEO Satya Nadella’s recent remarkable foot-in-mouth act over women in the workplace, there’s the strange case of the missing Windows 9 operating system. Before the introduction of Windows 10 two weeks ago, Microsoft had last introduced a new operating system back in 2012 with the unveiling of the unpopular Windows 8, a sequence of events that raises questions about Windows 9. Where is it? A Microsoft employee who briefly worked on the Windows 9 project, which was codenamed RobTheCustomer, or RTC for short, has told Bud Fox News that the mystery goes back to Donald Sterling’s sale of the Los Angeles Clippers to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. Sterling was the owner of the Clippers until his delicate flower of a lady friend V. Stiviano released an audiotape of Sterling exercising his right to free but unpleasant and incoherent speech in a way deemed unacceptable by the NBA. Steve Ballmer bought the team for $2 billion, a record price for an NBA franchise (the prior record, set weeks before the Clippers sale, was $550 million for the Milwaukee Bucks). Continue reading
CDC Says It’s Now Ready for Katrina
CDC “rapid response” SWAT team in New Orleans
At a hastily convened press conference this morning, Tom “EverReady” Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, announced that the CDC had assembled a “rapid-reaction” team and dispatched it to New Orleans last night to combat the spread of infectious diseases in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Asked how long the team will be in place, Frieden laughed and said, “That’s a good question. I actually envy them because I’m pretty sure they’ll be there for the start of Mardi Gras. Heck, a couple of Sazeracs sounds pretty good right now.” Continue reading
After Making Billions Disappear, Steve Cohen Proving Himself as Magician
In a bombshell scoop, Bud Fox News has discovered that Steven A. Cohen, the once mighty hedge fund titan, has taken up moonlighting as a magician for the wealthy. Billing himself as the ‘Millionaire’s Magician’, Cohen has developed an impressive following among his peers. “He’s every bit as maniacal about this as he is about stock picking”, says wife Alexandra Cohen. He even has a website to shamelessly promote his alter-ego and sell tickets to the show.
After ‘magically’ generating abnormal returns year after year at SAC Capital, Bud Fox News readers will no doubt be familiar with poor Stevie’s demise on account of rampant insider trading and securities fraud. With those revelations, Mr. Cohen pulled another magic stunt: making about $6 Billion disappear.
Bud Fox News 