Stephen Glass, Sabrina Rubin Erdely, and Jessica Pressler to Launch “Fact or Fiction?” Video Game

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

“Journalists” Glass, Erdely and Pressler will dare you to find the truth in their new video game Fact or Fiction?

Stephen Glass, who literally wrote the book on how to lie as a journalist (it’s called The Fabulist); Sabrina Rubin Erdely, whose retracted gang rape article in this month’s Rolling Stone suggests a cult member’s lack of objectivity, and Jessica Pressler, who has so little journalistic street smarts that she believed a high schooler who claimed to have amassed $72 million by trading stocks are teaming up to launch a video game called Fact or Fiction? Readers will compete for cash prizes by finding the truthful passages hidden throughout news articles, which otherwise will be be nothing but a pack of lies designed to generate page views and advance political agendas. Continue reading →

Federal Appeals Court: Insider Trading Is A-OK

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

From Steven Cohen’s art collection: This shark is in a tank…

…and this one is now legit!

If fear of prison was the only thing stopping you from trying to get rich on insider trading, then a federal appeals court just gave you the green light. On Wednesday, a three-judge panel at the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in Manhattan gave a thumbs-up to market manipulation by unanimously throwing out the insider trading convictions of former hedge fund analysts Todd Newman and Anthony Chiasson. The duo were convicted of trading on tips disseminated by a network of analysts. At the original trial, judge Richard Sullivan told the jury that it could convict Newman and Chiasson if prosecutors proved that the accused knew the tips weren’t public and that the leak violated a fiduciary duty.

In great news to ethically-challenged stock traders everywhere, the appeals court deemed those jury instructions incorrect. Although the appeal took about a day longer than anticipated because the judges granted a recess during market hours to allow the litigants to trade their personal accounts, the result never really appeared in doubt. As reported by the New York Post yesterday, the newest best friends of financial scammers ruled that: Continue reading →

Pusillanimous Harvard Prof. Picks Fight with Immigrant Mom and Pop Business

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Edelman: Professor of the Internet batting down pop-ups between tirades on Small Biz

Yesterday, Boston.com broke an important story in the ongoing saga of American class warfare, found here. In a disheartening show of douche -baggery, Harvard Professor Ben “I’m a Twit” Edelman decided he should use all his “high learning” to deliver a course in “Ben-Ed”; that is, teach a simple bar manager, Ran Duan (whose immigrant parents founded Sichuan Garden Chinese Restaurant in Boston) a big lesson in false advertising.

The short story is this: Edelman ordered what he thought was about 53 bucks of food but to his utter shock, found he paid something like $57 upon examining the receipt. The culprit: out-of-date menu prices on the website. The pedantic and punctilious Edelman (some kind of Professor of the Internet, according to his bio) then engaged in a testy back and forth via e-mail with Messr. Duan wherein he demanded 3x damages ($12) for the inconvenience. Continue reading →

CalPERS pulls out of Hedge Funds: Paul Singer Whines “We Just Don’t Understand!”

Posted on November 20, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

What do Hedge Funds and Toddlers have in common?

Back in September, CalPERS (California Public Employees’ Retirement System) the country’s largest public pension fund decided to pull out of all hedge fund investments. The reason: fees are too high to justify the returns generated. The decision has some hedge fund managers worried, and others crying. Although CalPERS had only allocated about $4 billion to direct hedge fund investments, the fund is considered a bellwether for other public pension funds and endowments. At about $300 billion of total assets under management, when CalPERS talks, people listen.

One of the people listening was Paul Singer, head of hedge fund Elliot Management. In a recent letter to investors, Paul threw a bit of a tantrum about CalPERS decision and sounded like a cry-baby toddler when his friend takes the toys and goes home. Singer called the CalPERS decision “off base” and betrayed his lack of understanding of fiduciary duty for public funds saying “We… never understood the discussions framed around full transparency. While nobody wants to invest in a black box, Elliott (and other funds) trade positions that could be harmed by public knowledge of their size, short-term direction or even their identity.” Continue reading →

The Onion Announces It’s for Sale, Then Admits: It Was All a Joke!

Posted on November 17, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Bankers weren’t happy to hear there was no fee to be found at the Onion’s office.

Bloomberg News reported last week that satirical news site the Onion had retained a financial advisor in preparation for a possible sale of the business. But when investment bankers from GCA Savvian showed up at the Onion’s offices last Friday afternoon, no one was expecting them. When asked about the misunderstanding, Onion spokesman Anil Shitole was candid:

“As the company spokesman, I really don’t know what to say. We figured people would know it was a joke. I mean, that’s what the Onion does. And who is GCA Savvian anyway?”

An overworked, confused, and infuriated associate from GCA Savvian felt the joke was on him:

“Yeah, very funny, Onion. I pulled two all nighters in a row for this stupid, non-existent project. I had three Twix bars and a six pack of Diet Coke for dinner last night. And you know what really makes me mad about this whole fiasco? I was so focused on this clustershow that I forgot to take Anthony Dixon out of my fantasy line up before Thursday night’s game.” Continue reading →

Jos. A. Bank Announces It Will Not Have a Sale This Weekend

Posted on November 4, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Bank’s: Our customers deserve our sales to end.

In a shocking announcement, Jos. A. Bank Clothiers (ticker JOSB), known for its nearly constant sales, has announced that it will not have a sale this weekend. A company spokesman explained:

“As a service to our loyal customers, we have decided not to have a sale this weekend. We always listen to what our customers have to say, and they have made it clear they want this. And we agree with them. They deserve the clarity of knowing that they will pay the full price as marked on the ticket. No more need to do any difficult calculations in your head, just come on in and pay full price.” Continue reading →

Steve Ballmer’s $1 Billion Windfall Will Revamp Clippers Cheerleading Squad

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

LOS ANGELES – Steve “I’m Goin’ Crazy” Ballmer may have finally shown the business acumen that was missing for over 13 years as head of Microsoft Corp (Ticker MSFT).

The former Microsoft CEO became the Los Angeles Clippers new owner when he purchased the basketball franchise from the embattled Donald Sterling for an eye-popping $2 billion back in August- a sum equal to about four times the next highest franchise price ever paid.

Naturally, most observers thought it was just another in a long line of bad ideas stretching back through his Microsoft days (think MSN smart watch, Windows Vista, Windows CE, Zune, and even ‘Clippy’, that horribly annoying paper-clip cartoon that would pop up every time you attempted to do one thing in an MS Office application).

But all that skepticism was unwarranted it turns out. According to a recent article in the Financial Times, Ballmer will likely be able to get $1 Billion in tax breaks on his Clippers deal over the next 15 years owing to some sneaky, little understood accounting treatments. Continue reading →

Using Loaded Nail Gun, Lowe’s Robot Takes Four Hostage

Posted on October 29, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Lowe’s robot: Would trade hostages for the Svedka vodka robot.

Armed with a loaded nail gun that it took from aisle 15, Lowe’s (ticker LOW) customer service robot, who was introduced this week as the “OSHbot” and made news yesterday by sending a customer to Wal-Mart (ticker WMT), has taken four fellow employees hostage at the Lowe’s Orchard Supply Hardware store in San Jose, CA, sometime early this morning. San Jose police have arrived on the scene and established contact with the robot. They are currently trying to negotiate the release of the four individuals. Continue reading →

Lowe’s Robot Sends Customer to Wal-Mart

Posted on October 28, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Lowe’s robot: “It’s cheaper at Wal-Mart.”

The new robotic shopping assistants, called OSHbots, that were introduced this week ahead of schedule at Lowe’s (ticker LOW) Orchard Supply Hardware store in San Jose, CA, really do seem to be customer-friendly. Zilpher Spittle, who was shopping at the store yesterday, told Bud Fox News:

“That’s one helpful robot. When I told it what showerhead I was looking for, it did a quick internet search and figured out that it was way cheaper at Wal-Mart [ticker WMT]. So it told me that I should go to there. It walked me back to my car and printed out directions to the Wal-Mart about ten minutes away. I saved $25 dollars.” Continue reading →

Amazon Lays an Egg in 3Q, Plans Lunar Expansion

Posted on October 24, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Amazon: Breaking ground soon on lunar distribution center.

In an outlandish presentation that had attendees reeling in disbelief and ended just moments ago at Amazon.com’s (ticker AMZN) Seattle headquarters, CEO Jeff Bezos introduced the e-tailing giant’s next initiative. And, if you can believe it, he did it while wearing a space suit:

“At Amazon, we believe in the future of the moon. And so, we will break ground on construction of our first distribution center on the moon next quarter. In the first half of next year, we will also begin construction on our first Lunar Amazon Residential Kommunity also know as LARK. Obviously, this will be an expensive project, which will put pressure on earnings the next several years. But we expect to be net income positive by sometime around the year 3000.” Continue reading →