NY Governor Cuomo:  J.K. Rowling’s Got Nothing on Me!

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Andrew Cuomo

Is this man the next…

jk_rowling

…JK Rowling? Probably not.

According to Neilsen BookScan, which tracks sales for about 85% of the US print market, Andrew Cuomo’s memoir, All Things Possible: Setbacks and Success in Politics and Life, sold a whopping 948 copies in its first week.  Adjusting for the roughly 15% usually missed by BookScan, it looks as if Cuomo’s book was purchased by about 1,100 people.  HarperCollins supposedly gave Cuomo an advance of more than $700,000, so maybe the publisher bought political influence in addition to this turd of a book.  Asked about Cuomo’s book sales, publishing executive Positive Johnson said, “It’s early yet, but with this kind of start, he’s being looked at to take over the Harry Potter franchise.”

Actually if no one but Cuomo’s book buyers showed up at MCU Park for Brooklyn Cyclones minor league home games (capacity 7,500), the team would be getting sized up for the Rex Ryan hot seat out of NYC. Continue reading →

Coca-Cola Unveils New Vitaminwater Slogan: “Kills Ebola Dead”

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50 Cent and Vitaminwater…or is it TubbyTea?

Coca-Cola (ticker KO), having recently reached a $1.2 million preliminary settlement in a class-action lawsuit over deceptive labeling of its Glacéau Vitaminwater drinks, has announced a new marketing campaign for the product line that will feature the slogan “Vitaminwater…Kills Ebola Dead.”  Continue reading →

“Point Man”: Financial Expression of the Day

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Point Man

The Point Man coordinates all the changes to the “document.”

“Point man,” noun phrase, according to its second definition in Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Eleventh Edition, one who is in the forefront; especially:  a principal spokesman or advocate (e.g., the point man for the President’s economic policy).  Usage note:  Unfortunately for the person unlucky enough to be designated point man in the glamorous world of investment banking, the role is not quite as elegant as Messrs. Merriam and Webster imply.  That person is indeed in the forefront, but here it’s the vanguard of the grunt work. Continue reading →

Sephora Admits:  We Put Same Fragrance in All Our Men’s Colognes for Last Three Years

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Sephora: It’s all the same in the end.

In a remarkable job of investigative journalism, Bud Fox News reporter Silence Bellows has discovered that Sephora, the chain of cosmetics stores owned by LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton, has been filling all the bottles of men’s cologne sold in its US stores with the same fragrance for the last three years. Continue reading →

Yankees Extend Mark Teixeira through 2030

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Teixeira Rock of Ages

Teixeira, here in his Broadway debut in Rock of Ages, is laughing all the way to the bank.

The first thing that Yankees general manager Brian Cashman did after the team gave him a new three-year contract was to get down on his knees and thank God that the organization decided to reward recent mediocrity.  His second move, Bud Fox News learned this morning, was to sign Mark Teixeira to a contract extension through 2030, at which time the first baseman, who probably couldn’t hit to the opposite field off Mo’ne Davis, the 13-year-old girl from Philadelphia who starred in this summer’s Little League World Series, will be 50 years old. Continue reading →

Bill and Hillary Clinton Suspected in Illegal Airbnb Apartment Scam

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“Have we got a deal for you!”

There were a few telltale signs in the posted photos:  the velvet Elvis on the wall in a guest bedroom, the walk-in closet full of pantsuits in a rainbow of fashionably questionable colors, the pantry shelf full of chips and dips, a McDonald’s bag on the kitchen table, and, of course, the saxophone resting in the corner. Continue reading →

Former WH Press Secretary Jay Carney and Edward Snowden Are Same Person

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Jay Carney

Former White House Press Secretary Jay Carney is…

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden: 'They're going to say I aided our enemies' - video interview

..NSA leaker Edward Snowden.

In a bombshell discovery, Bud Fox News has learned that former White House Press Secretary Jay Carney has been arrested on the suspicion that he is actually Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor who leaked classified documents about top-secret surveillance programs and was believed to be living in exile in Russia.  Reached for comment, Vice President Joe Biden, the only high ranking member of the administration willing to go on record about the Carney/Snowden connection, said, “I knew it.  Son of a gun, I just knew it.  I’ve been running around the White House for the last couple of months telling people that Carney was Snowden.  But nobody listens to me over there.  This is a big effing deal.” Continue reading →

As McDonald’s Profit Plunges, CEO Vows to Revamp Technology

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Thomspon

Thompson: I got your text- here’s your food!

McDonald’s (Ticker MCD) announced abysmal earnings with quarterly profit dropping a head-spinning 30%. System-wide sales were down 5%, with every geographic region suffering a decline. It was McDonald’s worst quarterly decline since 2002.  Analysts pointed to a variety of factors including a scandal at a meat supplier in China, consumer sticker shock from an erstwhile dollar-menu that now looks like a ten-dollar menu, increased competition, and frankly, lousy food that almost everyone now knows causes disease with every bite.

But CEO Don Thompson, an optimist at heart, didn’t have much to say about any of that.  Evidently thinking he can’t do much about the Pablum on the menu, Thompson said he was going to revamp the firm’s use of technology to make it easier to buy a burger.  From the Wall Street Journal:

“Mr. Thompson, in a statement, outlined several initiatives the company is undertaking to improve its operations, including investments in service and technology enhancements to improve customers’ experience and a global push to make it easier for customers to order and pay for McDonald’s food digitally.” Continue reading →