From the Loony Bin: Hillary Clinton’s “Scooby Van,” Etc…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdQW1YULCKQ

Hurry, journalist, run, run! Hillary’s server might be in the Scooby Van. (Note well: Reporters outnumber voters in the above video.)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • Yes, it’s tax time: How much does each quintile pay?  (TaxProfBlog)
  • Tough talk from the big man:  Chris Christie proposes higher retirement ages and means-testing for Social Security.  (MarketWatch)
  • Old dog, old tricks: Hillary Clinton’s “Scooby Van” is recycled from her 2000 Senatorial campaign.  (USA Today)
  • At JPMorgan Chase, big brother is watching you.  (NY Post)
  • Powerless? Contemptible “Doonesbury” cartoonist needs a vocabulary lesson for starters.  (NY Post)
  • The future is here: Drone crashes and burns while making asparagus delivery to restaurant.  (Int’l Business Times)
  • Tiger’s tall tale: Woods claims he reset dislocated wrist bone during Masters play.  (sbnation.com)

Steven A. Cohen’s Insider Trading Training Program to Begin This Summer

always_be_closing

Steven Cohen’s trainees will learn a new twist on a classic line from the movie “Glengarry Glen Ross.” (Photo: Alec Baldwin in movie “Glengarry Glen Ross”)

Steven A. Cohen_2

“A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Cheating. Always be cheating. Always be cheating.”  (Picture: http://www.foxbusiness.com/)

In news that is beyond parody and a big middle finger to regulators and those simply trying to lead ethical lives, Bud Fox News has learned that Steven Cohen’s Point72 Asset Management is starting a training program. The excerpt below is not from The Onion or some other satirical organization; it’s from Friday’s New York Post:

Steven A. Cohen has hired a hedge fund industry veteran to head a new training program designed to pass the billionaire investor’s stock-picking skills to a new generation as he rebuilds after an insider trading scandal.

The program, which will be composed of an eight-week summer program for 15 college interns/juvenile delinquents and a longer program for 15 recent college graduates/potential convicts, will cover financial modeling, stock research, securities laws (ludicrously, in a 2011 deposition, Cohen said he was not familiar with Rule 10b5-1, the SEC rule that defines insider trading), and, if you can believe it, ethics and compliance. It’s as if Tiger Woods were teaching a class titled How to Resist Cocktail Waitresses and Stay True to Your Wife.

According to sources, the curriculum will focus on three modules:

  • Doctor, Doctor: The trainees will interview 50 doctors (all with access to market-moving, non-public drug trial data) and cull out the five best candidates to be dupes in insider trading schemes. Each trainee will have to justify his/her picks with a five-page paper. Coursework will be based on former SAC analyst, and convicted insider trader, Mathew Martoma’s relationship with erstwhile U. Michigan neurologist Sid Gilman, who was oh so eager to help.
  • Consulting 101: Trainees will be taught how to extract insider information from the professional consulting class. Rather than use too many examples from SAC’s own knavish history, instructors of this module will perform a case study of the Raj Rajaratnam insider-trading case, highlighting how the urbane Rajat Gupta, the former Managing Director of McKinsey & Company, flushed his reputation (and two years of his life, thanks to a prison sentence) down the toilet by passing to the fat man insider information on Goldman Sachs (Gupta was a board member), P&G (again, board member), and Berkshire Hathaway.
  • Six Degrees of Steven A. Cohen: This technique is quite possibly Cohen’s pièce de résistance. Trainees will be taught how to create a complicated chain of communication with sufficient contacts between them and the original source of insider information (Consultant A tells analyst B, who tells trader C, etc…) that trainees will have “plausible deniability” with respect to the current preposterously lenient insider trading laws, which we wrote about here. One might argue that Cohen cunningly used this technique in the Martoma case.

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Rolling Stone Journalist Defecates on Editor’s Desk, Has Gym Privileges Suspended for Week

invisible-man

Sabrina Erdely’s villain never existed, and at long last Rolling Stone has “officially” retracted her ham-handed, agenda-inspired yarn. (Photo: hollywoodhatesme.wordpress.com)

Rolling Stone journalist Boris Moros had been terrorizing colleagues for weeks. He had been writing factually inaccurate articles, with everyone’s knowledge, for months. Two weeks ago, he left a dead rat on a fact checker’s desk. Last week, he ran around the office wearing nothing but a diaper. Yesterday, finally, was the last straw. When asked by both his editor and the oh-so diligent fact-checker to independently confirm his anonymous source’s story, he completely flipped out, dropped his trousers then a turd on his boss’s desk. Naturally, Rolling Stone took immediate action and suspended his company gym privileges for one week.

Bud Fox News reports this fit of fecal freakism only because RS’s martinetish punishment of Mr. Moros strangely differs from its kid-glove treatment of those involved with author Sabrina Erdely’s entirely inaccurate word-turd titled “A Rape on Campus: A Brutal Assault and Struggle for Justice at UVA” that appeared on the magazine’s website last November 19 (which we wrote about here). This week, the Columbia School of Journalism released a scorching report that shed light on the outrageous journalistic incompetence at play in the magazine’s criminal release of a story that a bumbling Inspector Clouseau would have exposed as a hoax in about 15 minutes. Ineptitude, combined with a journalist’s shameful desire to push a political agenda, not only damaged the reputations of innocent individuals and the University of Virginia, but also probably damaged efforts to address sexual violence on campus. The whole affair has lots of pundits talking about “journalistic standards and practices” as if it’s some sort of secret code meant only for the erudite, but like most things that are made complicated by insiders looking to justify their livelihoods, this affair is pretty simple: 1) Don’t besmirch individuals’ and institutions’ reputations by printing “facts” on deathly serious topics when you haven’t done even a lick of work to prove them, and 2) don’t let your objectivity be clouded by a preexisting philosophy or pre-formed objective: According to Columbia’s report, Erdely said that “she was searching for a single, emblematic college rape case that would show ‘what it’s like to be on campus now … where not only is rape so prevalent….‘” Erdely’s article gave readers no reason to believe that she had studied life at UVa sufficiently to conclude that rape was indeed prevalent there. In her article, she also cited the debunked statistic that one in five college women is sexually assaulted, which at a school Virginia’s size, implies hundreds of sexual assaults per class. Did she stop to think about the sheer numbers that statistic suggested? Quite simply, Erdely was looking for an eye-popping story to neatly back her conclusions about UVa and college life in general, conclusions that she never bothered to prove.

Just a few observations about the Columbia release: Continue reading

Iranians Agree to Nuke Deal in Exchange for Redskins Franchise, 3 Draft Picks and Infidel to Be Named Later

Mohammad Javad Zarif

Iranian negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif is smiling for a reason: He’s haggled for a NFL franchise and .. (Photo: Pool/AP)

Tim Tebow

…might even acquire infidel Tim Tebow. (Photo: ESPN)

Screaming, “The infidel Tim Tebow is within our grasp,” chief Iranian nuclear negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif had reason to celebrate. In a brilliant gambit of brinkmanship this week, he convinced US Secretary of State John “Longface” Kerry that the Iranians were willing to walk away with no deal. Completely hoodwinked, Kerry pathetically pandered to the mullah’s obsession with the NFL in general and Tim Tebow in particular: For nothing in return, he handed them the Washington Redskins franchise along with three first-round draft picks and a player to be named later. Political pundits are speculating that the unnamed player is indeed Tebow, the genuflecting lightning rod of a lefty quarterback who won the 2007 Heisman Trophy. Professor Humperdink Fangboner, Director of the Hillary Clinton Benghazi Institute for Foreign Affairs at Eastern Southwestern Normal School, explained Kerry’s folly to Bud Fox News:

Kerry thought that he was killing two birds with one stone: one, keeping the Iranians at the negotiating table and two, finally getting rid of the pesky Redskins. Among President Obama’s supporters, the politically correct sticklers have wanted him to do something about the team’s name for a while. Kerry has assured everyone that the name will be changed to the Tehran Bombers for the start of the upcoming season. The mullahs love this deal because they are fixated on Tebow and think it will be demoralizing for millions of US football fans to see Tebow in a uniform that features the mushroom cloud logo of the Bombers. 

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No Regard for History: NYC to Bulldoze Grand Central Station

Will Grand Central Station go the way of the old Penn Station?

Will Grand Central Station go the way of old Penn Station? (photo: Slate.com)

The vaulted ceiling with stunning astronomical art work. The open, airy space. The giant windows with wrought iron works that create the iconic sun-streaming-in photographs of by-gone eras. The beautiful marbled halls and concourses. And of course, the beloved old-timey clock in the middle of the great hall that millions have designated as their meeting place.  All must go. In a shameful acquiescence to greedy developers and aided by most New Yorker’s architectural and cultural ignorance, the city council has voted to tear down the historic landmark to make way for, you guessed it, a retail shopping complex anchored by Wal-Mart and a 70 story high-rise with great river views. In a city of dwindling architectural gems (The Empire State Building, The Chrysler Building, and the New York Public Library- now desecrated with the name of Steven A. Schwarzman emblazoned on the facade, are among the few remaining) Grand Central Terminal is just one more casualty in the ever-morphing city scape.

“Frankly, New Yorkers just don’t like old-fashioned architectural grandeur” said mayor Bill De Blasio when reached for comment. “Most New Yorkers prefer dingy, foul-smelling, poorly-lit, and cramped public spaces, particularly when it comes to our transit system. I mean, have you ridden the subway lately?  I sure haven’t- it’s a dank and disgusting place. And have you ever used an elevator from street to platform on the A line? Pick one of the few stations that even has an elevator, and I guarantee a real treat. It’s like sticking your head in a public toilet with a horrific smell of vomit and urine, the doors can’t open soon enough and you’ll feel like you need a shower when you get out. I’d like to clean it up, but the people of the city just won’t have it. They like the way it is and some even say it builds character, oddly.” Continue reading

Separated at Birth: UNC’s Roy Williams, Countrywide’s Angelo Mozilo

RoyWilliams1

LET THE FEEL OF THE WHEEL SEAL THE DEAL: Both UNC’s Roy Williams….  (Photo: http://www.unca.edu)

angelo_mozilo

…and former Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo should be hawking used cars.  (Photo: Countrywide Financial)

Bud Fox News asks: Who had/has the tougher job- Williams or Mozilo? The latter makes a strong case: The former Chairman/CEO of Countrywide Financial and the tanned face of the housing crisis, Mozilo turned his company into the three-card monte dealer of the housing disaster, dishing out fraudulent mortgages to unqualified homebuyers at a pace that would embarrass even the sleaziest of liquor store owners peddling MD 20/20 and Wild Irish Rose to those who can’t say no to another round.

Then again, Williams is no slouch: The men’s basketball coach at “Public Ivy” University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill since 2003, whose tan sometimes rivals Mozilo’s, turned a blind eye to an academic scandal of almost Countrywide proportion, in which at least hundreds of football and basketball student-athletes were supposedly funneled through the African American Studies Department where their transcripts were rubber-stamped with grades at least good enough to maintain the athletes’ eligibility. Erstwhile Tar Heel Rashad McCants was a short-term beneficiary of the scam. According to the Sporting News: Continue reading

From the Loony Bin: Before the Pantsuit, Etc…

Hillary_5

There’s BC, there’s AD, and then there’s BP, that is, “before the pantsuit.”  (Photo: http://www.powerlineblog.com/)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel

  • Secret Service strikes again: Secret Service and DEA agents busted in bitcoin scam.  (NY Times)
  • Ben Bernanke blog posting: Why are interest rates so low?  (Brookings Institute)
  • American Mystery Story: Consumers aren’t spending even in a booming job market.  (Bloomberg)
  • One, two…what difference does it make? Hillary Clinton used two devices to send emails while Secretary of State.  (AP)
  • Troubling Twitter trail: Daily Show’s new host is on the hot seat.  (Salon)
  • Toothless Tiger: Tiger Woods drops out of the top 100.  (Yahoo Sports)
  • Phony falconry: NFL fines Atlanta $350K for piping in artificial noise at home games.  (Fox Sports)

Citing Academic Issues, Calipari Weighs Pulling Wildcats out of NCAA Tourney

Calipari

He didn’t say it but could have: “The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.”  (Quotation: Herbert Spencer, Photo: theclassical.org, )

Showing why he is clearly the anti-Jim Boeheim of college sports, coach John Calipari, in remarks after his team’s 78-39 dismantling of the West Virginia Mountaineers, admitted to Bud Fox News that he is considering taking his undefeated University of Kentucky team out of the NCAA tournament because of possible academic misconduct by several team members. Exhibiting the zero tolerance policy that he originated while coaching at UMass (his team’s 1996 Final Four appearance has been erased from the books because his star player took about $40K in cash and gifts, including the “ministrations of a prostitute“), but no doubt perfected at the University of Memphis, where his 2007-2008 team was stripped of all its wins, coach Calipari revealed that the potential misbehavior centers around an interdisciplinary independent study on which at least five players were collaborating. The challenging custom-made coursework incorporates material from four actual classes at the university:

  • LIS 611 Critical Analysis of Children’s Literature (affectionately known on campus as “Wildcat in the Hat”),
  • MAS 435 The History of Video Games and the Industry (also known as “GamerGut”),
  • GWS 610 Women and “Madness” (aka “Crazy Bitches”), and
  • Com 314 The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and Relationships (aka “21st Century Bunny Boilers”).

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From the Loony Bin: Ford’s Nanny State Car, Etc…

Speed limit

Ford’s Nanny State Car will help you obey the speed limit. (Photo: etc.usf.edu)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel

  • Slow down: New Ford car obeys speed limit for you.  (CNN)
  • AWOL: Bowe Bergdahl, once missing U.S. soldier, charged with desertion.  (WaPo)
  • Ivy ISIS: Cornell U assistant dean says OK to ISIS training camp for students.  (NY Post)
  • Channeling Joe Namath: West Virginia’s Daxter Miles predicts upset over Kentucky.  (ESPN)

Tesla Self-Driving Car Drives Owner to Ex-Wife’s House, Apologizes for Drinking & Womanizing

Total recall

Are you ready to hand your car keys over to this man? (Photo: Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1990 movie “Total Recall”)

All he wanted the car to do was drive him to the liquor store, but the vehicle had entirely different plans. Christian Church, 47, of Hamilton, NJ, has a beta-test version of the software update that will soon give Tesla Model S sedans the ability to drive themselves. Until yesterday Church had had no problems with the new technology, but at around 7 pm last night things literally went off course. After he input his destination into the car’s computer, Church kicked back in the rear seat and started to read the newspaper. When he looked up about ten minutes later, he realized he wasn’t anywhere near the liquor store, which is only about four miles from his house. He told Bud Fox News:

Before I could get an explanation from the system, the neighborhood started to look pretty familiar to me. I said to myself, “Holy Christ, this thing’s taking me to Mai’s house.” She’s my ex-wife. I haven’t seen her since the divorce.

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