“Burn Rate”:  Financial Expression of the Day

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There’s only one burn rate that the i-banker cares about: his own.

Burn rate,noun phrase, the speed at which a company consumes cash.  Usage note:  Investment bankers, particularly those who advise money-losing internet companies, love this expression.  After having wrapped up a meeting with the “deal team” and instructed his minions to redo the entire 90-page pitchbook (with the client meeting slated for 9 AM the next morning), the i-banker might kick back in his corner office and enjoy a brief breeze-shooting session with the senior vice president on the project, who’s a great audience for the MD because the former will laugh at all the MD’s stupid jokes.  There the senior i-banker will sit, tasseled loafers up on the desk, quite possibly spinning his Mont Blanc pen around his thumb (many a banker prides himself on pen-spinning ability because he ludicrously thinks it adds some sort of jock street cred to his awkward and totally unathletic body language), while saying something like, “With a burn rate like that, they might not make it through the end of the year.  Have the analyst run the model again.”  There’s a good chance that the MD couldn’t run the model if his bonus depended on it, so he’ll keep his instructions very “big picture.Continue reading

Florida State Pulls Scholarship to Top Football Recruit Due to Consistently Good Behavior

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Jubal Johnson in the gym. His good behavior forced the Seminoles to cut ties with him.

Jubal Early Johnson, 17, is more than just a student at Dudley M. Du Bose High School, not far from the Appomattox Court House in Appomattox, Virginia.  A remarkably agile big man, the 6’5, 295-pound defensive tackle just might be the crown jewel of the 2015 college football recruiting class. The five-star prospect has received scholarship offers from major programs like Alabama, Oregon, TCU, Ohio State, Georgia, Virginia, Clemson, and Nebraska.  After much consideration, Johnson committed to Florida State University last month.  But yesterday, in a strange turn of events, Florida State’s Athletic Department announced that it has withdrawn its scholarship offer to Johnson because of a “troubling pattern of good behavior.”

Florida State football coach Jimbo Fisher told Bud Fox News:

The final straw really came this weekend.  We learned that Jubal attended a keg party at a high school friend’s house.  The kid didn’t have a drop of alcohol.  He didn’t mistreat any of the girls attending the party.  He actually broke up a fight.  And get this, at the end of the night, he gave rides to all his friends who were too drunk to drive.  There’s no place for that kind of behavior at Florida State.  We have a reputation to maintain.” Continue reading

New York Jets Coach Rex Ryan to Wear Mittens Vs. Bills to Prevent Middle Finger Slip-Up

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Rex Ryan, here in happier times, will wear mittens against the Bills to prevent the inevitable Middle Finger Salute.

This Sunday, when the Buffalo Bills host the New York Jets for a game that kicks off at 1 PM, the weather forecast calls for rain and a temperature of about 50 degrees, not that cold, especially if you’re a hardened, foul-mouthed pro football coach.  But don’t be surprised when you see Jets coach Rex Ryan wearing mittens for the entire game.  Ryan spoke about the decision with Bud Fox News’ Silence Bellows:

“I kind of let my emotions get the better of me at the end of the Pittsburgh game.  I shouldn’t have said what I did and I apologize if I offended anyone.  For the rest of the season, I’ve really got to try harder to keep it together.  Woody [Jets owner Woody Johnson] and I had a real good talk about it.  And we decided that just to make sure I don’t flip off any of the refs, maybe it’s best if I wear mittens against the Bills.”

The irrepressible Ryan couldn’t help but add: Continue reading

“Step Up”: Financial Expression of the Day

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The i-banking VP will demand that underlings “step up” on even irrelevant, crappy assignments.

Step up,” verb phrase, to make an unusually significant effort.  Usage note:  A vice president will never reveal to an underling when a task assigned to him is low priority.  In addition, the VP will almost always employ a false deadline.  For example, if the VP has about eight hours of work that needs to be done before presenting information to a managing director on a Wednesday, a particularly obnoxious VP will stick his analyst or associate with the task on Friday afternoon and tell him that he wants a hard copy of the completed job delivered to his house by noon on Sunday, three full days before the meeting.

Continue reading

The Onion Announces It’s for Sale, Then Admits:  It Was All a Joke!

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Bankers weren’t happy to hear there was no fee to be found at the Onion’s office.

Bloomberg News reported last week that satirical news site the Onion had retained a financial advisor in preparation for a possible sale of the business.  But when investment bankers from GCA Savvian showed up at the Onion’s offices last Friday afternoon, no one was expecting them.  When asked about the misunderstanding, Onion spokesman Anil Shitole was candid:

“As the company spokesman, I really don’t know what to say.  We figured people would know it was a joke.  I mean, that’s what the Onion does.  And who is GCA Savvian anyway?”

An overworked, confused, and infuriated associate from GCA Savvian felt the joke was on him:

Yeah, very funny, Onion.  I pulled two all nighters in a row for this stupid, non-existent project.  I had three Twix bars and a six pack of Diet Coke for dinner last night.  And you know what really makes me mad about this whole fiasco?  I was so focused on this clustershow that I forgot to take Anthony Dixon out of my fantasy line up before Thursday night’s game.” Continue reading

From the Loony Bin…

Lock these people up.

Lock these people up.

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

Alex Rodriguez Interning at Pfizer to Prepare for 2015 MLB Season

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On his lunch break recently outside a Pfizer lab, A-Rod hopes his internship will help with his comeback.

Alex Rodriguez, who will turn 40 in July, knows that he has a lot to prove in the coming baseball season.  The 3-time MVP and 14-time all-star also knows that a lot of people will be rooting against him.  So to do everything in his power to prepare for the 2015 baseball campaign, the steroid lightening rod, who was suspended for the entire 2014 season, is currently in the middle of a three-month internship in the synthetic testosterone division of Pfizer (ticker PFE).

According to a lab technician who worked with A-Rod when the 5-time AL home run champ started at Pfizer:  “He really hit the ground running.  I was shocked.  Alex has a graduate school level understanding of chemistry.” Continue reading

From the Loony Bin…

Lock these people up.

Lock these people up.

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

 

“Due Dilly”: Financial Expression of the Day

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A banker doing due dilly will leave no stone unturned.

“Due dilly,” noun phrase, a diminutive form of “due diligence”:  research and analysis of a company or organization done in preparation for a business transaction; a financial reconnaissance of sorts.  Usage note:  According to Hilarius Fuchs, Professor of Psychiatry at Colorado School of Professional Parapsychology, people who enjoy both working late and playing with spreadsheets and PowerPoint, e.g., investment bankers, are weird and have weird senses of humor, facts which explain why i-bankers use this phrase so often that it’s almost ceased to have meaning. Continue reading

From the Loony Bin…

Lock these people up

Lock these people up.

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

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