Is ESPN’s Trent Dilfer Moonlighting at Goldman Sachs?

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Who…

…is who?

Reader Evan Keel recently brought to the attention of Bud Fox News the uncanny resemblance between Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein and former NFL quarterback and current ESPN commentator Trent Dilfer. But according to a Goldman employee who asked to remain anonymous, the Blankfein-Dilfer connection has actually been a closely-guarded secret at the firm since shortly after July 9, 2008, when Dilfer announced his retirement from the NFL. According to our source, that’s when Dilfer apparently began moonlighting as a body-double for Blankfein when he travels to potentially dangerous areas like the Middle East, San Francisco, or Berkeley.

Continue reading →

“Shop”: Financial Expression of the Day

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Note: In attempt to familiarize our less financially savvy readers with the argot of the Wall Street world, Bud Fox News is introducing the Financial Expression of the Day (sometimes referred to as “FEotD”).

“It’s a decent fixed income shop.”

Shop, noun, a financial firm or operation of some sort. Usage note: Not to be confused with “boutique,” an overused formulation that certainly deserves its own discussion, shop is a ridiculous but versatile term of insincere understatement. Continue reading →

Tom Watson Sucker-Punches Nice Old Lady

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Tom Watson faces assault charges after he allegedly knocked a 73 year-old woman unconscious.

Having beaten a hasty retreat from the Ryder Cup imbroglio back to his tranquil hometown of Stilwell, Kansas, Tom “Captain Queeg” Watson, 65, allegedly struck Kitty Peed, 73, his partner in a local charity badminton tournament that was held yesterday in a church parking lot. Eyewitnesses claim that the hyper-competitive Watson was infuriated because he and Peed had been routed in four consecutive games. After the fourth loss, a sloppy 21-7 drubbing, Watson allegedly screamed at her: “You stink at foursomes“ which, in a macabre twist, is exactly what he told the US Ryder Cup team on Saturday, September 27, after a disappointing day for the team, which he captained. When Peed meekly replied that she was trying her best, Watson apparently flew into a rage and struck the septuagenarian with a wicked right hook, knocking the woman unconscious. Peed was rushed to the hospital, where she remains. She is being treated for a broken jaw and a concussion. Watson was arrested on the scene. Continue reading →

General Motors to Recall Every Car Ever Made…by Any Automaker

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

General Motors (ticker GM) has announced that it will recall every car and truck in the United States ever made…by any automaker. The company recalled 2.6 million cars in February because of faulty ignition switches. In all, the company has recalled a New-Coke-ish 29 million cars in North America this year. Said CEO Mary “No such thing as bad publicity” Barra, who drives a Lexus, “If you drive a car or truck of any make or model, it’s officially been recalled today. Whatever’s wrong with it is probably GM’s fault. Get off the road before it’s too late.” Barra, who began her career at GM as a college intern in 1980 but amazingly claims that she only learned of the ignition switch problem in December 2013, kindly opted not to attend her daily Liars Anonymous meeting in order to speak with Bud Fox News. Continue reading →

Bill Gross and Jeffrey Gundlach to Launch Adult Film Production Company

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

A press release today announced the creation of BJ Films, a new adult film production company co-founded by Bill Gross, who recently pulled out of PIMCO, and Jeff “The Godfather” Gundlach, who runs DoubleLine Capital. The company will release its first movie, Bond-age, next month. Continue reading →

Eddie Lampert’s Sears Takes Aim at Target

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Sears Holdings (ticker SHLD) today announced that it has made an offer to buy Target (ticker TGT) for $55 per share, which represents a baffling 12% discount to Target’s current price. Given that Sears goes through cash the way Charlie Sheen goes through call girls, it’s entirely unclear how Sears will finance this transaction. With respect to the source of funds, Sears CEO Ed Lampert, whose early-career stock-picking prowess has now been completely eclipsed by his destruction of an American retail icon, said, “If I can sweet-talk a bunch of kidnapping thugs, then I’ll have Brian Cornell [Target CEO] begging to be a check-out girl.” When asked about the curious discount on his offer price, Lampert blithely remarked, “Sears is the Goldman Sachs of the department store sector, and I’m sure that Target’s board will recognize that the chance to become associated with Sears/K-Mart justifies a small discount to the purchase price.” Lampert explicitly stated that he will change all Target stores to the K-Mart nameplate. Lampert worked at Goldman earlier in his career. Continue reading →

NYC Mayor de Blasio Dropped Groundhog on Purpose, Says City Hall Insider

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Mayor de Blasio moments before poor Charlotte’s unnecessary demise… (Photo: http://www.nypost.com)

…Mayor Bill is all smiles as the groundhog plunges to her death. (Photo: http://www.nypost.com)

In a bombshell disclosure made this morning to Bud Fox News, a member of NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio’s inner circle had this to say:

“The mayor dropped that groundhog on purpose. He jokes about it all the time. He hates animals. Why do you think he’s so obsessed with getting rid of the Central Park carriages?” Continue reading →