Obama Appoints White House Chef with No Kitchen Experience

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Obama White House: No experience necessary?

In a move that has critics questioning his judgment, President Obama announced this afternoon that he has selected a woman with no kitchen experience whatsoever as the next White House executive chef. The president’s pick, Bambina Broccoli, 34, is a resident of Pennington, New Jersey, where she works as a real estate agent. Bud Fox News tracked down Ms Broccoli at Weidel Realtors, where she summed up her reaction to the news: “I’m shocked. I didn’t even realize that I was under consideration. To be honest, I’m not much of a cook. I don’t think I’ve turned on my oven in the last six months.” When asked whether she was worried about not being qualified, Ms Broccoli said, “I guess a little bit. Do you think the president made some sort of mistake because of my last name?” Continue reading →

WHO Chief Chan: Stress From Ebola Crisis Drove Me to Smoke

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

WHO Chief Chan: Smoke ’em if you got ’em.

World Health Organization Director-General Margaret Chan, who on Monday took a much needed break from all her hard work battling the Ebola crises to attend a convention in Russia on tobacco control, has admitted to Bud Fox News that, “The stress of managing our response to the Ebola crisis has been so great that I started smoking. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I find that a cigarette really calms me down.” Asked whether she was worried about setting a bad example, she responded: “I’m an adult, and the decision to smoke is completely my own. And anyway, as the head of an agency within the United Nations, the rules don’t apply to me. Things like smoking bans only apply to the little people because we know what’s best for them.” Continue reading →

CDC Says It’s Now Ready for Katrina

Posted on October 16, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

CDC “rapid response” SWAT team in New Orleans

At a hastily convened press conference this morning, Tom “EverReady” Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, announced that the CDC had assembled a “rapid-reaction” team and dispatched it to New Orleans last night to combat the spread of infectious diseases in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Asked how long the team will be in place, Frieden laughed and said, “That’s a good question. I actually envy them because I’m pretty sure they’ll be there for the start of Mardi Gras. Heck, a couple of Sazeracs sounds pretty good right now.” Continue reading →

China to buy the United States in History’s Biggest LBO

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

The Man who’s taking away the punchbowl: Messr. Lou with his new colors

Bud Fox News has learned that China is in final negotiations to purchase the United States of America in what would be by far the biggest LBO in history. High level Chinese and American officials are refusing to comment other than to say the rumors are “pure speculation”. However, anonymous sources on both sides confirm that the talks have been ongoing since the financial crisis and are now nearing an end with only a few remaining sticking points.

Sources say China Minister of Finance Lou Jiwei plans to rip a page right out of America’s buy-out playbook and throw in a few of the wiles European governments have used in recent years. An un-named high level Finance Ministry bureaucrat said “We’ve been watching Leon Black of Apollo for years and have learned a thing or two about screwing debt holders”. To wit, China has agreed to assume the USA’s stratospheric national debt, projected to be $21.9 trillion by the end of fiscal year 2015. Continue reading →

FHFA Director Loots Fannie Mae, Heads to Cayman Islands

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

FHFA’s Watt: “Thanks, Judge Lamberth!”

Bud Fox News has learned that Mel Watt, the director of the Federal Housing Finance Authority (FHFA), invoking Judge Royce C. Lamberth’s recent high-five to big government in his decision in a DC District Court case (Perry Capital LLC v. Jacob Lew, Secretary of Treasury), has done a cash sweep of his own, swiping all of Fannie Mae’s (ticker FNMA) excess cash and heading to the Cayman Islands. Said a FHFA employee who asked to remain nameless: “Right after the decision was announced [Monday, September 29], Mel called me into his office. He had an open bottle of champagne on his desk, and he handed me a glass as soon as I walked in. He said a celebration was in order because of the Lamberth decision. At the time, I didn’t quite realize what he meant.” Continue reading →

North Korean Leader Returns from Six-week US Holiday

Posted on October 14, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Where to today, Ted?

Kim Jong-un has returned home and reported for duty according to sources in Pyongyang. The secretive leader had not shown up to work in about six weeks causing a flurry of speculation as to his health and whereabouts.

Bud Fox News has long had “an asset” close to the reclusive leader who spoke to us at length detailing the itinerary of a plushy tour the sybaritic playboy took across America stopping in at Hugh Hefner’s mansion and attending a fund raiser with Jeffrey Katzenberg in Los Angeles, then hitting a round of golf in Palm Springs with President Obama on his way to a riotous weekend in Las Vegas. From there the Dear Leader took in some country living during a week in Montana at Ted Turner’s Flying D ranch, where the two reportedly enjoyed trout fishing and spent several long afternoons on horseback together.

Continue reading →

NYC Mayor de Blasio Dropped Groundhog on Purpose, Says City Hall Insider

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Mayor de Blasio moments before poor Charlotte’s unnecessary demise… (Photo: http://www.nypost.com)

…Mayor Bill is all smiles as the groundhog plunges to her death. (Photo: http://www.nypost.com)

In a bombshell disclosure made this morning to Bud Fox News, a member of NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio’s inner circle had this to say:

“The mayor dropped that groundhog on purpose. He jokes about it all the time. He hates animals. Why do you think he’s so obsessed with getting rid of the Central Park carriages?” Continue reading →