Category Archives: Sports & Leisure

Citing Academic Issues, Calipari Weighs Pulling Wildcats out of NCAA Tourney

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He didn’t say it but could have: “The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.”  (Quotation: Herbert Spencer, Photo: theclassical.org, )

Showing why he is clearly the anti-Jim Boeheim of college sports, coach John Calipari, in remarks after his team’s 78-39 dismantling of the West Virginia Mountaineers, admitted to Bud Fox News that he is considering taking his undefeated University of Kentucky team out of the NCAA tournament because of possible academic misconduct by several team members. Exhibiting the zero tolerance policy that he originated while coaching at UMass (his team’s 1996 Final Four appearance has been erased from the books because his star player took about $40K in cash and gifts, including the “ministrations of a prostitute“), but no doubt perfected at the University of Memphis, where his 2007-2008 team was stripped of all its wins, coach Calipari revealed that the potential misbehavior centers around an interdisciplinary independent study on which at least five players were collaborating. The challenging custom-made coursework incorporates material from four actual classes at the university:

  • LIS 611 Critical Analysis of Children’s Literature (affectionately known on campus as “Wildcat in the Hat”),
  • MAS 435 The History of Video Games and the Industry (also known as “GamerGut”),
  • GWS 610 Women and “Madness” (aka “Crazy Bitches”), and
  • Com 314 The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication and Relationships (aka “21st Century Bunny Boilers”).

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Source: Cleveland Browns Tricked Manziel into Rehab

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Johnny Football thinks he’s checked into rehab for a hamstring injury.  (Photo: Deadspin)

The Cleveland Browns organization has gone public with a reasonable story:  Johnny Manziel, in an uncharacteristic encounter with maturity, raised his hand and volunteered to enter rehab.  The truth might be a little different.  A team source tells Bud Fox News that Manziel was duped into going:

We tricked him, flat out.  He’s so pickled in alcohol right now, we could have told him that we traded him to the Toronto Maple Leafs and he would have believed it.  He had a hamstring injury at the end of the year, so we just told him that in the NFL, unlike college, you do off-season rehab for a hammie at an undisclosed live-in facility.  Then we told him that while he was there, he’d be so loaded up with muscle relaxers that he wouldn’t be able to drink.  He didn’t fight it that much, especially after we mentioned the painkillers.  Of course, they’re gonna be placebos and we’ve got a hot physical therapist visiting him once a day to keep him fooled.    

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Additional Jay Cutler Text Message Leaked

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In a state of parental panic, Cutler sent his wife an anxious text.  She responded sympathetically.

Jay Cutler

Cutler displays his typical, affable expression. (Photo: Dennis Wierzbicki/US Presswire) 

As reported this week just about everywhere, Jay Cutler’s wife, former reality-TV star Kristin Cavallari, had some fun at his expense by posting an Instagram photo of a text message from a frantic Cutler, who was apparently home alone with their two children and in need of spousal support.  Bud Fox News has learned that a least one additional Cutler text has leaked, this one to quarterback Mark Sanchez, who started the Philadelphia Eagles final eight games in place of injured first-stringer Nick Foles but is now a free agent.  Here is the wording of the message:

Mark, need u in Chi asap
All hell has broken loose
I threw too many picks
am overpaid
and I hate these people
I want to leave

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Marshawn Lynch to Establish Sign Language School for Deaf Children

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Marshawn Lynch

Students at Marshawn Academy will be taught the founder’s signature crotch-grabbing signal, which means “I have to go to the bathroom.”

elementary school student

At Marshawn Academy, students like this young man will learn the new way to signal for a bathroom break.

Marshawn Lynch has announced that he will establish Marshawn Academy, a state-of-the-art sign language school for deaf children.  “The Marshawn Academy will break new ground in the education of deaf students.  The crotch-grabbing hand signal that I demonstrated recently against the Packers really just covers the tip of the toothpick,” said Lynch at a press conference this morning where he announced that he will endow the school with 12 monthly contributions of $131,050 for a total of $1,572,600.  Not without a sense of humor, Lynch said he chose that installment figure because it’s how much he’s been fined by the NFL since the start of the 2014 season.  Of the figure Lynch said, “My accountant and I couldn’t figure out my total career fines and forfeited salary, so I just went with this year.”

Lynch has hired Honor B. Lowd, currently chief administrator of the Auditory Oral School of Trenton, to be his institute’s first principal.  When reached for comment, Ms Lowd told Bud Fox News, “Whenever Marshawn is forced to speak with the press, his fans get to see that he is a master of non-verbal communication.  That’s why I’m so excited to be involved with this project.  The Marshawn Academy will use cutting edge pedagogic techniques with respect to deaf education.  For example, our instructors will develop lesson plans around things that have actually happened in Marshawn’s life.  And Marshawn will be involved in coursework development.  After all, he is a Cal Berkeley man.”  Although still a work in progress, the curriculum will include the following: Continue reading →

Missing Nixon Audio Tapes Recaptured: Tricky Dicky Speaking with Young Belichick

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Bill Belichick as he appeared in his 1970 high school yearbook, two years before his fateful conversation with…

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…avid football fan Richard Milhouse Nixon. (AP Photo)

The discovery is all the more amazing for its timing.  The 18 1/2-minute gap in one of President Nixon’s White House tapes, which has been a source of fascination for presidential scholars and Watergate conspiracy buffs for decades (especially among those skeptical of the controversial “Rose Mary Stretch,” which supposedly accounted for the erasure), has been recaptured thanks to recent advances in the field of forensic audio technology.  Working with a team of acoustic experts, presidential scholar Charles Faux-Pas Bidet, Professor of History at Staten Island’s Dyke College and author of Clinton: Statesman or Swinger?, confirmed his findings earlier today.  He told Bud Fox News‘ Silence Bellows:

Given what’s happening in the NFL this week, this discovery is such a chilling coincidence that I almost fainted.  The date is June 20, 1972, three days after the Watergate break-in.  The recaptured audio tapes reveal a jovial President Nixon and his chief of staff H.R. Haldeman chatting with a young Bill Belichick, who was at the White House on a tour.  Nixon, an avid football fan, had apparently learned that one of the White House visitors was a college football player and had him pulled out of the group to speak with him.

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Florida State University Campus Police to Throw “Farewell Jameis” Party

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FSU campus police are so glad to see this guy go…

Police party

…they’ve decided to throw him a bon voyage party.

Campus police at Florida State University were so overjoyed to learn that controversial quarterback Jameis Winston will not be returning for his junior year that they will throw him a farewell party on March 15.  Said Officer Justin Case, “It’s gonna be such a load off our backs.  It’s been nonstop since the suspect…I mean…this young man got to Tallahassee.  He is a one-man police blotter.”

According to sources within the campus police department, the party will have everything attendees would naturally expect from a celebration held in Winston’s honor:  The evenings’s entertainment will include:

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Despite Never Having Ridden a Motorcycle, Tiger Woods Inks Endorsement Deal with Hero MotoCorp

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Woods on Hero bike

Tiger Woods’ latest ad campaign:  Ride a motorcycle not a cocktail waitress!

Although he’s never ridden a motorcycle, Tiger Woods announced this week that he’s signed a four-year endorsement contract with Hero MotoCorp Ltd. (ticker HMCL:IN), India’s largest motorcycle manufacturer.  Woods’ relationship with Hero went public back in September when the company announced that it had agreed to sponsor this week’s World Challenge tournament at Orlando, Florida’s Isleworth Golf & Country Club. The event has an 18-player field and benefits Woods’s charitable foundation.

In a sign that he might not know Woods well, Hero CEO Pawan Munjal issued this statement about his company’s first global corporate endorser:

“…not just a golfing champion and an icon for millions around the world; he is indeed a phenomenon -– a symbol of humility in victory and grace in adversity.” Continue reading →

NY Yankees Hire David Copperfield as New Hitting Coach

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copperfield fire

Copperfield shown here using the “fire trick” to fool Mark Teixeira into doing the impossible- hitting to the opposite field.

TAMPA, Fl. — Thwack!  The sound of a solidly hit baseball reverberated in the area behind home plate at George Steinbrenner Field in Tampa.  Yankees general manager Brian Cashman smiled and excitedly said, “Look at that.  We’re already getting our money’s worth.  Mark Teixeira hitting the ball hard to the opposite field.  That’s magic.  I haven’t seen that in at least half a decade.”  Teixeira, hitting from the left-hand-side, appeared as shocked as Cashman at his hard hit liner over short.  Meanwhile, a black-clad David Copperfield, eyes closed, chanting in what sounded like an ancient foreign language while swinging an incense-containing thurible from a chain, slowly began to circle the oft-injured Yankee first baseman.  Teixeira, although visibly nervous, made clear to all that he’s willing to go along:  “You think he can cure my wrist, knee, oblique, hamstring and make the dizziness go away too?” Continue reading →

Florida State Pulls Scholarship to Top Football Recruit Due to Consistently Good Behavior

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Jubal Johnson in the gym. His good behavior forced the Seminoles to cut ties with him.

Jubal Early Johnson, 17, is more than just a student at Dudley M. Du Bose High School, not far from the Appomattox Court House in Appomattox, Virginia.  A remarkably agile big man, the 6’5, 295-pound defensive tackle just might be the crown jewel of the 2015 college football recruiting class. The five-star prospect has received scholarship offers from major programs like Alabama, Oregon, TCU, Ohio State, Georgia, Virginia, Clemson, and Nebraska.  After much consideration, Johnson committed to Florida State University last month.  But yesterday, in a strange turn of events, Florida State’s Athletic Department announced that it has withdrawn its scholarship offer to Johnson because of a “troubling pattern of good behavior.”

Florida State football coach Jimbo Fisher told Bud Fox News:

“The final straw really came this weekend.  We learned that Jubal attended a keg party at a high school friend’s house.  The kid didn’t have a drop of alcohol.  He didn’t mistreat any of the girls attending the party.  He actually broke up a fight.  And get this, at the end of the night, he gave rides to all his friends who were too drunk to drive.  There’s no place for that kind of behavior at Florida State.  We have a reputation to maintain.” Continue reading →