It’s a Ron-off: Ron Burgundy, Ron Jeremy Top Candidates to Replace Brian Williams

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Fake anchorman Ron Burgundy…

…and adult film “actor” Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy are the leading candidates for anchorman Brian Williams’ job. (Photo: Getty Images North America)

A source at NBC has told Bud Fox News that porn star Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy, patron saint of raincoaters everywhere, and Ron Burgundy, protagonist of the movies Anchorman and Anchorman 2, have emerged as the top two candidates to replace disgraced NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. Said the source:

It’s true. NBC management thinks that both Rons have a lot in common with Brian. Take Ron Jeremy. To many people, the guy lives some sort of fantasy life. And so does Brian. As far as Ron Burgundy, well, he’s a made-up character who reports made-up news. So is Brian, when you think about it. If I had to handicap this one, I think Jeremy is the front-runner. If he’s not contractually committed to filming “Nude World Order II” next month, then I think the job is his.

Tracked down on the set of his latest film, Gluteus to the Maximus Part IV, Jeremy was excited: Continue reading →

Who said it? Brian Williams or Ron Burgundy?

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Both of these men…

…drink Scotchy Scotch Scotch.

“I immediately regret this decision.”
“You are only as good as the coach thinks you are.”
“Spectators are getting baked in the sun, not the good kind.”
“More toward the holy crap.”
“We’re over Indian country.”
“This is unpoliced, virgin territory.”
“You are a smelly pirate hooker. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

Continue reading →

Brian Williams: Hillary Inspired Me to Make It All Up

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Influenced by Hillary Clinton’s fictitious account of facing sniper fire in Bosnia, Brian Williams joined the ranks of the fabulists. (Photo: fansided.com)

As has been extensively reported, Brian Williams admitted yesterday that although he’s been confidently telling the tall tale for years, he was in fact not aboard a military helicopter that was hit and forced down by an RPG on the eve of the Iraq War in 2003. On a visit to the Late Show with David Letterman in 2013, Williams, displaying a cocky élan that now seems to belie some sort of psychosis and certainly deserves an ignominious job dismissal, regaled the cranky sexagenarian host with a story that includes this complete fabrication: “…two of our four helicopters were hit by ground fire including the one I was in.” He was clearly having a ball telling this anecdote and making himself out to be a fearless yet fun, hot-zone-loving, bad-ass journalist. Wiliams’ most recent telling of this story, just last week during a televised tribute to a retired soldier at a New York Rangers hockey game, is what got him in trouble. Soldiers actually involved in the incident saw the broadcast and told Stars and Stripes newspaper that Williams was full of crap, which led to Williams’ weird, vacant 50-second, on-air apology last night. The brief mea culpa is fascinating to watch because everything about the anchorman’s delivery- facial expression, tone of voice, body language- would make you think that he’s blithely talking about a third party or something totally unserious like the Little League World Series. It also makes you think that he might have a borderline personality disorder.

Bud Fox News‘ Silence Bellows was able to have a brief, exclusive conversation with Williams early this morning. He admitted that he thought he could get away with it: Continue reading →

NYC Area News Programs May Eliminate Weather Segment After Pathetic Storm Juno Performance

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

WABC-TV’s Lee Goldberg: Was Winter Storm Juno his last blown call?

A source who works on a local New York City television news desk for one of the big four networks has told Bud Fox News that several local NYC TV stations are considering scrapping the weather portion of their news broadcasts in the wake of the erroneous and abominable Winter Storm Juno forecasts. Doing away with the weather report would save on production costs and free up time. Said the source:

This is pretty much a fait accompli. I know of one station that already has a replacement segment in the works. They’ll be running a daily Bruce Jenner gender meter. They expect viewership to go through the roof.

Continue reading →

If a Keg Falls in the Woods and No One Is There, Does It Sound Like a Fraternity?

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Without any of these, does UVa really have…

….any of these?

On November 19, Rolling Stone published “A Rape on Campus: A Brutal Assault and Struggle for Justice at UVA,” written, with all the objectivity of a brainwashed cult member, by the now incommunicado (no doubt on advice of counsel) Sabrina Rubin Erdely. The centerpiece of the article was the alleged fraternity gang rape of a first-year student named Jackie. Although Erdely’s not-fit-for-journalism-junior-college handiwork had doubters from the beginning, on November 22, University of Virginia President Theresa Sullivan, in a decision that would please the late Earl Warren (and his Commission) for its hastiness and liberals everywhere for its political correctness, suspended all social activity for Greek organizations until January 9. Sullivan’s edict started to look a bit hasty when Rolling Stone, on December 5, posted a quasi retraction regarding Erdeley’s word-turd, in which the magazine pusillanimously blamed Jackie the putative victim instead of the author’s apparent unwillingness to do even a Nancy Drew level of investigative work (no more was needed to see that the story was largely, if not entirely, apocryphal). By December 22, the article was so discredited that Rolling Stone announced that it had asked the Columbia Journalism School to investigate how the magazine had botched this one so egregiously.

Continue reading →

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac Celebrate New Year’s 2006

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

At Fannie and Freddie, it’s 2006, Jay Cutler doesn’t stink yet, and you can buy a house for no money down!

The Fannie/Freddie 2006 New Year’s Eve celebration kicked off at 7 PM last night at an enormous French country manor home (complete with nanny suite, library, and solarium) in the tony Longwood section of Bethesda, Maryland, which was purchased just last week for $2.3 million by a 26-year-old administrative assistant at Freddie who makes $38,000 a year, is single, has a FICO score of 530 and no other source of income.

Ever since the beginning of December, when Fannie Mae (ticker FNMA) and Freddie Mac (ticker FMCC) offered head-scratching details about their new programs to back mortgages with down payments as low as 3%, it’s been clear that the two government-sponsored mortgage giants had somehow time-traveled to the end of 2005, a time considered by many the peak of the housing bubble. Said Palmer Aldritch, a professor of physics at the Philip K. Dick Space-Time Continuum Institute at Pontiac University, whom many academics regard as the nation’s leading authority on time travel: Continue reading →

Michelle Obama to Star in Remake of Memento

Posted on December 18, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Michelle Obama in Target: Does she remember what really happened?

The Sony hack may have spoiled the surprise of the First Lady’s budding movie career. Bud Fox News has learned that among the studio’s leaked documents are emails from a top movie producer discussing Michelle Obama’s star turn in an upcoming role-reversal remake of Memento, a thriller released in 2000 about a man with no short-term memory who is searching for his wife’s killer. And if the First Couple’s recent interview with People magazine (to be published this Friday) is any indication, Mrs. Obama must be a method actress already in character because her memory seems to be playing tricks on her. In the interview, according to ABC News, Mrs.Obama asserted that living in the White House has not completely shielded her from racial slights: Continue reading →

Stephen Glass, Sabrina Rubin Erdely, and Jessica Pressler to Launch “Fact or Fiction?” Video Game

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

“Journalists” Glass, Erdely and Pressler will dare you to find the truth in their new video game Fact or Fiction?

Stephen Glass, who literally wrote the book on how to lie as a journalist (it’s called The Fabulist); Sabrina Rubin Erdely, whose retracted gang rape article in this month’s Rolling Stone suggests a cult member’s lack of objectivity, and Jessica Pressler, who has so little journalistic street smarts that she believed a high schooler who claimed to have amassed $72 million by trading stocks are teaming up to launch a video game called Fact or Fiction? Readers will compete for cash prizes by finding the truthful passages hidden throughout news articles, which otherwise will be be nothing but a pack of lies designed to generate page views and advance political agendas. Continue reading →

Revealed: The Real Reason for New Fence at NYC Mayor’s Mansion

Posted on December 15, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

The reason for this eyesore of a fence at the mayor’s house? (Photo: http://www.nydailynews.com)

So you can’t see that Al Sharpton has taken over the place! (Photo: http://www.nypost.com)

New York City Mayor Bill “Sandinista!” de Blasio just completed a baffling bit of home improvement to the mayor’s official residence. According to the New York Post:

Mayor Bill de Blasio, a self-declared progressive “man of the people,” has erected a massive new “privacy fence” to keep his constituents from looking in on Gracie Mansion.

There are at least two competing theories for why the mayor put up the fence. According to the same Post article, there’s speculation that de Blasio “…demanded the extension because he was sick of nosy people in Carl Schurz Park peeping in while he hung out in the yard.” The New York Daily News, however, suggests that the mayor’s security chief lobbied for the new addition “in the wake of White House fence jumpers.” That the Daily News was actually willing to print such an explanation suggests that the newspaper is actually the marketing arm of the de Blasio administration. Continue reading →

Pusillanimous Harvard Prof. Picks Fight with Immigrant Mom and Pop Business

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

Edelman: Professor of the Internet batting down pop-ups between tirades on Small Biz

Yesterday, Boston.com broke an important story in the ongoing saga of American class warfare, found here. In a disheartening show of douche -baggery, Harvard Professor Ben “I’m a Twit” Edelman decided he should use all his “high learning” to deliver a course in “Ben-Ed”; that is, teach a simple bar manager, Ran Duan (whose immigrant parents founded Sichuan Garden Chinese Restaurant in Boston) a big lesson in false advertising.

The short story is this: Edelman ordered what he thought was about 53 bucks of food but to his utter shock, found he paid something like $57 upon examining the receipt. The culprit: out-of-date menu prices on the website. The pedantic and punctilious Edelman (some kind of Professor of the Internet, according to his bio) then engaged in a testy back and forth via e-mail with Messr. Duan wherein he demanded 3x damages ($12) for the inconvenience. Continue reading →