In Honor of Memorial Day: Obama’s “Coffee Cup Salute”

Bud Fox News wishes all our readers a happy Memorial Day. Here’s a bit of reading on the history of the holiday. As we remember those who have died in the service of our country, let’s also not forget our current Commander in Chief’s inimitable “Coffee Cup Salute.” If only all of us could stroll about so insouciantly, then ulcers, tension headaches, and high blood pressure would be obsolete. Sashaying away like the bizarre love child of a failed fashion model and Greek mythology’s Narcissus, the President has earned at least a cameo in Zoolander 2. But on a more serious note, it’s reasonable to ask how much longer we will even remember our slain heroes if we continue to elect leaders so clearly disdainful of our military.

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton Declares Open Season on the Truth

Hillary glasses

Warning: You are now entering the Clinton Zone, to protect yourself from flying bullshit, please put on your safety goggles.  (Photo: Photo: Alex Wong/Getty Images)

In remarks Tuesday that proved convincingly that “The Truth” is not her middle name, Hillary Clinton sent a clear message to those who might try to deny her the Presidency: She will make up “facts” out of thin air to animate her stillborn message of predictable Clintonian nostrums that run 40 years past their sell-by date.

At a “round table” discussion at Rancho High School in Las Vegas, with her eyes rolling around like a slot machine of pure ambition and her neck craning back and forth like some sort of patronizing, political ostrich, Clinton, as charismatic as a cockroach and so unnatural a speaker (and probably so unsure of her point) that she kept referring to pages on the table in front of her despite her simplistic subject matter, sounded and looked like a schizophrenic mental patient who was tickled pink to be speaking English for the first time (see video below if you can stomach it). She unleashed the following canard while trying to convince the Elizabeth Warren faction of her party that she’s to the left of the world on immigration:

 “…our undocumented workers in New York pay more in taxes than some of our biggest corporations in New York.”

Continue reading

Al Sharpton Tapped as New IRS Commissioner

Despite his occasional struggles with the English language (see video above), the Reverend Sharpton’s message to anyone planning on cutting corners with his or her Form 1040 will be quite clear: Pay up because I know all your dirty tricks!

In a magnificent move that nicely concludes yet another glorious tax season for the rapacious federal government, the Obama administration has tapped tax deadbeat, race hustler, and frequent White House visitor Al Sharpton as new IRS Commissioner, replacing John Koskinen, who was certainly one of the smuggest and most obnoxious federal bureaucrats in recent memory. Perched in fat-cat fashion, despite his trimmer frame of recent years, at the money-making intersection of race and religion, Sharpton will burnish the street-smart credentials of the Obama administration, typically home to incompetent, looks-good-on-paper types like Janet “Big Sis” Napolitano, whom the Rev could outfox blindfolded.

Asked for comment on the appointment, DeFred Goo Folts, Professor of Public Policy at the Newark (Delaware) State Normal School of Liberal Arts, Director of the Nixonian Institute for Governmental Ethics, and author of the superb, Pulitzer-nominated Sharpton bio The Reverend and the God Almighty…Dollar, told Bud Fox News: Continue reading

Rolling Stone Journalist Defecates on Editor’s Desk, Has Gym Privileges Suspended for Week

invisible-man

Sabrina Erdely’s villain never existed, and at long last Rolling Stone has “officially” retracted her ham-handed, agenda-inspired yarn. (Photo: hollywoodhatesme.wordpress.com)

Rolling Stone journalist Boris Moros had been terrorizing colleagues for weeks. He had been writing factually inaccurate articles, with everyone’s knowledge, for months. Two weeks ago, he left a dead rat on a fact checker’s desk. Last week, he ran around the office wearing nothing but a diaper. Yesterday, finally, was the last straw. When asked by both his editor and the oh-so diligent fact-checker to independently confirm his anonymous source’s story, he completely flipped out, dropped his trousers then a turd on his boss’s desk. Naturally, Rolling Stone took immediate action and suspended his company gym privileges for one week.

Bud Fox News reports this fit of fecal freakism only because RS’s martinetish punishment of Mr. Moros strangely differs from its kid-glove treatment of those involved with author Sabrina Erdely’s entirely inaccurate word-turd titled “A Rape on Campus: A Brutal Assault and Struggle for Justice at UVA” that appeared on the magazine’s website last November 19 (which we wrote about here). This week, the Columbia School of Journalism released a scorching report that shed light on the outrageous journalistic incompetence at play in the magazine’s criminal release of a story that a bumbling Inspector Clouseau would have exposed as a hoax in about 15 minutes. Ineptitude, combined with a journalist’s shameful desire to push a political agenda, not only damaged the reputations of innocent individuals and the University of Virginia, but also probably damaged efforts to address sexual violence on campus. The whole affair has lots of pundits talking about “journalistic standards and practices” as if it’s some sort of secret code meant only for the erudite, but like most things that are made complicated by insiders looking to justify their livelihoods, this affair is pretty simple: 1) Don’t besmirch individuals’ and institutions’ reputations by printing “facts” on deathly serious topics when you haven’t done even a lick of work to prove them, and 2) don’t let your objectivity be clouded by a preexisting philosophy or pre-formed objective: According to Columbia’s report, Erdely said that “she was searching for a single, emblematic college rape case that would show ‘what it’s like to be on campus now … where not only is rape so prevalent….‘” Erdely’s article gave readers no reason to believe that she had studied life at UVa sufficiently to conclude that rape was indeed prevalent there. In her article, she also cited the debunked statistic that one in five college women is sexually assaulted, which at a school Virginia’s size, implies hundreds of sexual assaults per class. Did she stop to think about the sheer numbers that statistic suggested? Quite simply, Erdely was looking for an eye-popping story to neatly back her conclusions about UVa and college life in general, conclusions that she never bothered to prove.

Just a few observations about the Columbia release: Continue reading

Iranians Agree to Nuke Deal in Exchange for Redskins Franchise, 3 Draft Picks and Infidel to Be Named Later

Mohammad Javad Zarif

Iranian negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif is smiling for a reason: He’s haggled for a NFL franchise and .. (Photo: Pool/AP)

Tim Tebow

…might even acquire infidel Tim Tebow. (Photo: ESPN)

Screaming, “The infidel Tim Tebow is within our grasp,” chief Iranian nuclear negotiator Mohammad Javad Zarif had reason to celebrate. In a brilliant gambit of brinkmanship this week, he convinced US Secretary of State John “Longface” Kerry that the Iranians were willing to walk away with no deal. Completely hoodwinked, Kerry pathetically pandered to the mullah’s obsession with the NFL in general and Tim Tebow in particular: For nothing in return, he handed them the Washington Redskins franchise along with three first-round draft picks and a player to be named later. Political pundits are speculating that the unnamed player is indeed Tebow, the genuflecting lightning rod of a lefty quarterback who won the 2007 Heisman Trophy. Professor Humperdink Fangboner, Director of the Hillary Clinton Benghazi Institute for Foreign Affairs at Eastern Southwestern Normal School, explained Kerry’s folly to Bud Fox News:

Kerry thought that he was killing two birds with one stone: one, keeping the Iranians at the negotiating table and two, finally getting rid of the pesky Redskins. Among President Obama’s supporters, the politically correct sticklers have wanted him to do something about the team’s name for a while. Kerry has assured everyone that the name will be changed to the Tehran Bombers for the start of the upcoming season. The mullahs love this deal because they are fixated on Tebow and think it will be demoralizing for millions of US football fans to see Tebow in a uniform that features the mushroom cloud logo of the Bombers. 

Continue reading

No Regard for History: NYC to Bulldoze Grand Central Station

Will Grand Central Station go the way of the old Penn Station?

Will Grand Central Station go the way of old Penn Station? (photo: Slate.com)

The vaulted ceiling with stunning astronomical art work. The open, airy space. The giant windows with wrought iron works that create the iconic sun-streaming-in photographs of by-gone eras. The beautiful marbled halls and concourses. And of course, the beloved old-timey clock in the middle of the great hall that millions have designated as their meeting place.  All must go. In a shameful acquiescence to greedy developers and aided by most New Yorker’s architectural and cultural ignorance, the city council has voted to tear down the historic landmark to make way for, you guessed it, a retail shopping complex anchored by Wal-Mart and a 70 story high-rise with great river views. In a city of dwindling architectural gems (The Empire State Building, The Chrysler Building, and the New York Public Library- now desecrated with the name of Steven A. Schwarzman emblazoned on the facade, are among the few remaining) Grand Central Terminal is just one more casualty in the ever-morphing city scape.

“Frankly, New Yorkers just don’t like old-fashioned architectural grandeur” said mayor Bill De Blasio when reached for comment. “Most New Yorkers prefer dingy, foul-smelling, poorly-lit, and cramped public spaces, particularly when it comes to our transit system. I mean, have you ridden the subway lately?  I sure haven’t- it’s a dank and disgusting place. And have you ever used an elevator from street to platform on the A line? Pick one of the few stations that even has an elevator, and I guarantee a real treat. It’s like sticking your head in a public toilet with a horrific smell of vomit and urine, the doors can’t open soon enough and you’ll feel like you need a shower when you get out. I’d like to clean it up, but the people of the city just won’t have it. They like the way it is and some even say it builds character, oddly.” Continue reading

Tesla Self-Driving Car Drives Owner to Ex-Wife’s House, Apologizes for Drinking & Womanizing

Total recall

Are you ready to hand your car keys over to this man? (Photo: Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1990 movie “Total Recall”)

All he wanted the car to do was drive him to the liquor store, but the vehicle had entirely different plans. Christian Church, 47, of Hamilton, NJ, has a beta-test version of the software update that will soon give Tesla Model S sedans the ability to drive themselves. Until yesterday Church had had no problems with the new technology, but at around 7 pm last night things literally went off course. After he input his destination into the car’s computer, Church kicked back in the rear seat and started to read the newspaper. When he looked up about ten minutes later, he realized he wasn’t anywhere near the liquor store, which is only about four miles from his house. He told Bud Fox News:

Before I could get an explanation from the system, the neighborhood started to look pretty familiar to me. I said to myself, “Holy Christ, this thing’s taking me to Mai’s house.” She’s my ex-wife. I haven’t seen her since the divorce.

Continue reading

White House Leaks President Obama’s Real Bracket

ESPN_barack_obama_ncaa_bracket_jc_150318_16x9_992

Just a smokescreen: Earlier this week, President Obama discussed his phony bracket with ESPN’s Andy Katz.  (Photo: ABC News)

Don’t be fooled by the NCAA tournament bracket that President Obama proudly unveiled earlier this week. It’s a phony: They aren’t his real predictions. Bud Fox News has acquired a copy of Obama’s real picks, and they make for one hell of an ugly bracket. Obama plays a significant part in the leaked grid, no surprise considering this is the same person who told students at the University of Maryland, “I’ve still got game.” Continue reading

Republicans Coalescing Around Netanyahu US Presidential Bid

Netanyahu: Practicing for future State of the Union addresses

Netanyahu: Preparing for future State of the Union addresses

In a shocking, if not terribly surprising development, Bud Fox News has learned that Republican party leaders and key heavyweight donors are coming to a consensus that Benjamin Netanyahu, the current Israeli prime minister, will be the party’s “establishment” candidate for the 2016 US presidential election. The news comes in the wake of the unprecedented access Messr. Netanyahu has been granted to the US legislative bodies, highlighted by the invitation from Republicans to give a prime-time address to a joint session of Congress on March 3, 2015. It’s unclear how this late-breaking news will affect his chances of re-election as Israeli’s hit the polls today to elect a new prime minister.

Many political observers question the move and some are alarmed by this bold extension of Israeli meddling in US affairs. “You thought the tail was wagging the dog before- you ain’t seen nothing yet”, one senior Obama administration official observed.

Continue reading

US Secret Service to Be Replaced by Sigma Chi Fraternity

Beer bong

Sigma Chis hoping to represent the US Secret Service will have to demonstrate more than mere mastery of a beer bong. (Picture: http://snowboarding.transworld.net/)

In a cost- and possibly life-saving move, the Department of Homeland Security has decided to replace the Secret Service with the Sigma Chi Fraternity. Elsie Pistolhead, spokesperson for Homeland Security, assured Bud Fox News that the transition to an all Greek protection force would be the Department’s top priority for the next several weeks:

This will be a competitive process. These jobs won’t just be given away. The Sigma Chi men selected must demonstrate the ability to do the following:

Continue reading