Author Archives: Canada Bill Jones

US Secret Service to Be Replaced by Sigma Chi Fraternity

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Beer bong

Sigma Chis hoping to represent the US Secret Service will have to demonstrate more than mere mastery of a beer bong. (Picture: http://snowboarding.transworld.net/)

In a cost- and possibly life-saving move, the Department of Homeland Security has decided to replace the Secret Service with the Sigma Chi Fraternity. Elsie Pistolhead, spokesperson for Homeland Security, assured Bud Fox News that the transition to an all Greek protection force would be the Department’s top priority for the next several weeks:

This will be a competitive process. These jobs won’t just be given away. The Sigma Chi men selected must demonstrate the ability to do the following:

Continue reading →

In the Mix: Powdered Alcohol Gets Federal A-OK

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Stadium

Sports fans who’d like to have a drink while at the big game… (Photo: http://www.thetimesherald.com)

Palcohol

…will be happy to hear about the approval of powdered alcohol.  (Photo: http://www.bevlaw.com)

Cargo pants and shorts are probably coming back into style because of an announcement this week by the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (the “TTB“).

To the delight of sports fans (and college kids and frequent fliers and a whole lot of other people) everywhere who are tired of paying $12 for warm water disguised as beer, the TTB has given the federal green light to powdered alcohol. With any luck, 4″ x 6” fully alcoholic powdered margarita mix packets (a slam dunk for cargo shorts) should be here well ahead of preseason football (and flights to summer vacation destinations). According to the Wall Street Journal:

The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau on Tuesday approved labels for a powdered alcohol called Palcohol. Arizona-based Lipsmark LLC, the maker of a booze powder that can be mixed with water like instant tea or lemonade, hopes to begin selling the product soon.

Four Loko went on sale in the US in 2005 and was in trouble about four years later. Having ironed out the kinks on that campaign, New York Senator Chuck Schumer didn’t dillydally with Palcohol: A bill in the Senate was referred to committee back in November, before this product even got approved, to ban it nationwide before it becomes a staple of college fraternity life.    Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: Atlanta Fed’s “Real-Time” GDP Estimate, Hillary Takes Questions, Etc…

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gdpnow-forecast-evolution

The Atlanta Fed’s GDP estimate of another estimate is 1.2% for 1Q15. (Source: http://www.frbatlanta.org)

Former U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton speaks during a press conference at the United Nations in New York

Asylum escapee-cum-Captain-Queeg-Clinton: Happy to answer hand-picked, softball questions. (Photo: Drudge Report)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • Interesting: Hot-lanta Fed’s GDP estimate of another estimate…Atlanta Federal Reserve’s “GDPNow” forecasting model provides an updated forecast of the official estimate prior to its release.  (Fed Reserve of Atlanta)
  • Hillary on the hot seat: Clinton takes handpicked questions at UN.  (Business Insider)
  • One lump or two: Clinton says she did it because she wanted to carry only one phone. (WaPo)
  • iKnock-off: Counterfeit Apple Watches already for sale in China for less than $40.  (Daily Mail)
  • Federal pain in the arse: Strong jobs report leaves the Fed in a quandary.  (NY Post)
  • New York Times can’t find Iraq on a map: Note correction at bottom of article.  (NYT)
  • Nanny state: Judge’s temporary order blocks man from smoking in his own home.  (Komo 4 News)
  • Was that a wounded bird or a football pass? Tim Tebow might surface at the NFL veterans combine.  (CBS)

From the Loony Bin: Apple’s Dumb Smartwatch, Etc…

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apple-watch-feat-720x452

Apple Watch: Is this a dumb or smart watch? (Photo: techinasia.com)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • Apple Watch: “Sport” model starts at $350.  (USA Today)
  • Hillary hit: SNL has some fun at Mrs. Clinton’s expense.  (Youtube)
  • Golden Arches look tarnished: Continuing trend, McDonald’s February same store sales fall 4% in US, 1.7% globally.  (NYT)
  • Senate Republicans to Iran: Your deal with Obama won’t last.  (Bloomberg)
  • Clarence Thomas and the Klansmen: Barron’s AP European History test prep guide lumps the Supreme Court Justice and the Ku Klux Klan together in fascist category.  (Daily Caller)
  • NJ Transit riders:  Prepare for a rate hike AND service reduction.  (NJspotlight.com)
  • Calling Dr. James Andrews: Yu Darvish’s baseball season is in jeopardy.  (SB Nation)
  • Racism comes to campus: University of Oklahoma students protest a fraternity’s racist video.  (USA Today)

“NCAA”: Financial Expression of the Day

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Broke

If you’re the portfolio manager who’s invested in a NCAA bond, call a headhunter. (Photo: pixgood.com)

“NCAA,” adjective, an acronym for “no coupon at all.” Usage note: When one considers that Wall Street is full of people with fancy educations, it’s disheartening that most finance lingo is so dreadful; one expects more from all those Ivy League degrees. Yet one must give credit where it’s do and admit that finance blowhards really caught lightening in a bottle when they coined “NCAA”; it’s an an exquisite piece of lingo. Continue reading →

From the Loony Bin: 295K More Jobs in February, Etc…

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Boeheim

Mark Twain’s got nothing on Syracuse’s Jim Boeheim: Don’t let schooling interfere with your basketball. (Photo: AP, philly.com)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • Here we go again: Treasury Secretary Lew says US to hit debt limit on March 16.  (NBC)
  • Apple juices Dow: iPhone maker replaces AT&T in Dow Jones Industrial Average.  (USA Today)
  • Jobs report surprises to “upside”: US non-farm payrolls rise 295K in February; unemployment rate falls to 5.5%.  (Reuters)
  • The age-old question: Up 3 with time running out, do you foul?  (Deadspin)
  • Syracuse Orange gets bruised: NCAA suspends basketball coach for 9 games, cuts 12 scholarships, vacates 108 wins.  (ESPN)
  • Not again: Harrison Ford makes his 2nd crash landing.  (NBC)

From the Loony Bin: NCAA Bond Issue, Etc…

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Baylor U

At six feet seven inches and 410 pounds, Baylor University’s LaQuan McGowan will always be open at tight end. (photo: twitter.com)

Bud’s Round-up of Daily Drivel:

  • No-coupon-at-all, aka “NCAA”: American Eagle Energy fails to make first interest payment on new bond issue.  (Bloomberg)
  • From the Shark Tank: Mark Cuban on the current tech bubble.  (blogmaverick)
  • Limbo up, Lumber down: The 25-year-old behind Lumber Liquidators’ 50% stock drop.  (Yahoo)
  • That took long enough: Nobel Prize Chairman who awarded Obama is demoted.  (ABC)
  • Tax dollars go right down the toilet: King County, WA will pay a “Comfort Station Coordinator” $90K to map out restrooms for bus drivers.  (US News & World Report)
  • Big target: Baylor University to move 6-foot-7, 410-pound lineman to tight end.  (ESPN)

From the Loony Bin: Martin O’Malley’s Lucky Week, Etc…

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Martin O'Malley

Former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley (smiling over his dumb luck) or anyone without an arrest record is looking like a better primary bet than Hillary Clinton. (Photo: governing.com)

From the Loony Bin:

  • Competition for Clinton? Martin O’Malley, former Maryland Governor, weighs White House run.  (Yahoo)
  • Hill Grill: Clinton’s private emails to be subpoenaed by congressional committee.  (NY Post)
  • It’s starting: Liberal journalist pens “Maybe Hillary Clinton Should Retire…” article.  (National Journal)
  • Say no to drugs: McDonalds’s to phase out human antibiotics in its chickens.  (CNBC)
  • Petraeus betrayed us: Retired 4-star general and leader of Iraqi surge David Petraeus pleads guilty to passing highly classified info to mistress.  (NYT)
  • Rat’s return: NSA leaker Edward Snowden is looking to come home.  (MSN)
  • Jurist Sphinx: Chief Justice Roberts mainly silent during 2d Obamacare challenge.  (National Journal)
  • Schools out: NYC public schools to close for two Muslim holidays, Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha.  (CBS)
  • Cuba Libre: Conan O’Brien goes to Cuba.  (Billboard)
  • Harbaugh help: New U Michigan coach and staffer help car crash victim. (Detroit Free Press)

Hillary Clinton’s State Dept Emails Found along with Nixon’s Missing White House Tape

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nixon_6

The 18.5 minutes missing from Nixon’s White House tapes have been found…  (Photo: Library of Congress)

Hillary-Clinton-Ill-Cancels-Morocco-Trip1

…along with Hillary Clinton’s State Department emails. (Photo: inquisitr.com)

For over 40 years, presidential scholars and conspiracy buffs have wondered about the 18.5 minutes missing from Richard Nixon’s White House audiotapes. And for over 2 days, anyone not already exhausted by the never-ending litany of Clintonian scandals has wondered about Hillary Clinton’s missing State Department email account. In an amazing discovery, both have been found by noted presidential scholar Charles Faux-Pas Bidet, Professor of History at Staten Island’s Dyke College and author of Clinton: Statesman or Swinger? Professor Faux-Pas Bidet told Bud Fox News: Continue reading →

Warren Buffett: Longest Dumb-Luck Investing Streak of All-Time

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Buffett_2

Buffett to Obama: “…and I want lifetime supplies of Coke and ice cream, a choo choo train, and a veto of the Keystone Pipeline.” (Photo: Huffington Post)

Last week, Fortune published an interview with Warren Buffett, the world’s third richest man (worth $73 billion), in which he revealed that he drinks at least five Cokes a day and tries to eat like a 6-year-old child.  Given the Omaha Oracle’s crackpot comments, it’s about time to consider a new theory for his years of successful investing: The guy is a complete idiot who’s riding the greatest dumb-luck investing streak of all-time. Here are some of the interview’s highlights: Continue reading →