In the Mix: Powdered Alcohol Gets Federal A-OK

Posted on March 12, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Sports fans who’d like to have a drink while at the big game… (Photo: http://www.thetimesherald.com)

…will be happy to hear about the approval of powdered alcohol. (Photo: http://www.bevlaw.com)

Cargo pants and shorts are probably coming back into style because of an announcement this week by the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (the “TTB“).

To the delight of sports fans (and college kids and frequent fliers and a whole lot of other people) everywhere who are tired of paying $12 for warm water disguised as beer, the TTB has given the federal green light to powdered alcohol. With any luck, 4″ x 6” fully alcoholic powdered margarita mix packets (a slam dunk for cargo shorts) should be here well ahead of preseason football (and flights to summer vacation destinations). According to the Wall Street Journal:

The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau on Tuesday approved labels for a powdered alcohol called Palcohol. Arizona-based Lipsmark LLC, the maker of a booze powder that can be mixed with water like instant tea or lemonade, hopes to begin selling the product soon.

Four Loko went on sale in the US in 2005 and was in trouble about four years later. Having ironed out the kinks on that campaign, New York Senator Chuck Schumer didn’t dillydally with Palcohol: A bill in the Senate was referred to committee back in November, before this product even got approved, to ban it nationwide before it becomes a staple of college fraternity life. Continue reading →

Hillary Clinton’s State Dept Emails Found along with Nixon’s Missing White House Tape

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

The 18.5 minutes missing from Nixon’s White House tapes have been found… (Photo: Library of Congress)

Hillary-Clinton-Ill-Cancels-Morocco-Trip1

…along with Hillary Clinton’s State Department emails. (Photo: inquisitr.com)

For over 40 years, presidential scholars and conspiracy buffs have wondered about the 18.5 minutes missing from Richard Nixon’s White House audiotapes. And for over 2 days, anyone not already exhausted by the never-ending litany of Clintonian scandals has wondered about Hillary Clinton’s missing State Department email account. In an amazing discovery, both have been found by noted presidential scholar Charles Faux-Pas Bidet, Professor of History at Staten Island’s Dyke College and author of Clinton: Statesman or Swinger? Professor Faux-Pas Bidet told Bud Fox News: Continue reading →

Warren Buffett: Longest Dumb-Luck Investing Streak of All-Time

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Buffett to Obama: “…and I want lifetime supplies of Coke and ice cream, a choo choo train, and a veto of the Keystone Pipeline.” (Photo: Huffington Post)

Last week, Fortune published an interview with Warren Buffett, the world’s third richest man (worth $73 billion), in which he revealed that he drinks at least five Cokes a day and tries to eat like a 6-year-old child. Given the Omaha Oracle’s crackpot comments, it’s about time to consider a new theory for his years of successful investing: The guy is a complete idiot who’s riding the greatest dumb-luck investing streak of all-time. Here are some of the interview’s highlights: Continue reading →

President Obama’s Shadow Work Permit System Sees the Ugly Light of Day

Posted on February 26, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

“Sí se puede,” that’s Spanish for “Here’s your work permit.”

Work permits are officially known as EADs, “Employment Authorization Documents.” The table below is featured in a report issued this week by the Center for Immigration Studies (“CIS”), which, I’ll admit, is an anti-amnesty group. CIS says its report is based on information that it obtained from the US Citizenship and Immigration Services (“USCIS”) using a Freedom of Information Act (“FOIA”) request. Although CIS has an ideological ax to grind on this issue, so does virtually every politician who opines on it, so let’s assume for the sake of argument that the numbers below are accurate and worth some consideration. If the data were bogus, pro-immigration groups, who passionately take the other side of this debate, would probably be able to prove it easily with their own FOIA request.

Supposedly, the law allows for 1.1 million new legal immigrants and 700,000 guest workers each year (for a sense of scale, there were 3.9 million births in the US in 2013). CIS claims that for the period 2009-2014 the Obama administration has given out 7.4 million work permits beyond the congressionally mandated amount (see figure at bottom right of the table). This certainly seems odd, and several of the table’s individual line items certainly don’t provide much reassurance. The first section of the table, “Temporary Categories,” has a sub-total of 2.1 million distributed work permits. According to CIS, 1.4 million of those temporary visitors fall into categories where their employment in the US is prohibited by law. For example, “Tourists” and “Foreign Students” got 547K and 593K of the work permits, respectively. 213K more went to family of both students and guest workers (the largest line item among them is “Family of Temporary Workers” at 140K). It seems reasonable to ask: Why are these people getting work permits? If enough people feel there’s a legitimate reason, they should try to change the law; until they’re able, it’s unclear why the current law should be ignored. Continue reading →

Federal Dietary Panel: We Have No Idea What Foods Are Good for You

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

This doughnut burger might extend your life. (Photo: David Kover/aht.seriouseats.com)

Dr. Zoltan Ovary is a member of the Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee, which meets every five years to produce the Scientific Report of the Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee. Tallying a nonsensical 571 pages (the word Mediterranean appears 196 times), the 2015 version was published last week and will be used as a reference by the Department of Health and Human Services and the Department of Agriculture, which publish Dietary Guidelines for Americans every five years. When Dr. Ovary agreed to be interviewed by Bud Fox News‘ Silence Bellows, he suggested they meet at a rather strange place. When he sensed her skepticism, he explained to her:

“I don’t mean any funny business. McDonald’s is my favorite restaurant. And for all we know at the committee, their food is good for you!”

So the two had lunch at a fast-food restaurant that for years has drawn the ire of public health officials and nanny-staters everywhere. For the record, the strapping Dr. Ovary, who looked like a collegiate running back despite his 40 years, had a Bacon Clubhouse Burger, small fries, and a small Coke, topping it off with a McFlurry with M&Ms, a perfectly reasonable meal that, according to McDonald’s handy Meal Builder calculator, delivered the following: Continue reading →

Happy Birthday, George: A Presidential Quiz

Posted on February 22, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Our first president, born on February 22, 1732, led the Continental Army against the British. (Photo: Baltimore Sun)

Our current president, shown in selfie, aka “narcisstick,” mode, has led from behind on many occasions. (Photo: BuzzFeed)

On the Anniversary of George Washington’s birth, let’s contrast three statements from our selfless first president with three from our selfie president. It’s pretty easy to guess who said which. Continue reading →

The Personal Touch of Joe “The Handyman” Biden

Posted on February 18, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Welcome to ObamaLand: New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter already seems unaware of what is happening around him. (Photo: Evan Vucci/AP)

It’s probably a good bet that Joe Biden hasn’t had any real responsibility since Barack Obama tapped him as his running mate in April 2008. Depending on what you think of politicians, his do-nothing streak goes back even farther because Biden won a Delaware US Senate seat in 1972 and was elected to the New Castle County council two years before that when he was 27. He was graduated from Syracuse University College of Law in 1968, leaving virtually no time to pad his resume before plunging into the cesspool of local politics with his bid for county council. So Crazy Uncle Joe has been a glad-handing, back-slapping, empty-headed, faux-pas machine of a politico for 47 years. He is a living, breathing argument in favor of term limits. Continue reading →

Supreme Court Performs Remake of “Weekend at Bernie’s”

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

From left to right, Justices Kennedy, a supposed Ginsburg, and Breyer reenacting a scene from “Weekend at Bernie’s.” (Photo: freerepublic.com)

A fairly well kept secret, the US Supreme Court Follies are a great tradition. At a private dinner at the beginning of each year, the active justices poke fun at themselves and present a series of skits for the entertainment of retired judges, clerks, administrative staff, and friends. Unfortunately not much is known about the event because everyone involved takes an oath of omertà seriously enough to make a mafia boss weep with pride. The oath of silence makes sense: The Supremes’ juridical gravitas would be shot to hell if they were ever caught looking like ex-NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani when he dressed in drag and kissed Donald Trump.

This year, for the first time, one skit was so funny that the judges decided to reenact it for the entire nation at President Obama’s State of the Union Address on January 20. The press had a field day misinterpreting what happened that night, with major news sources incorrectly reporting that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, having had too much wine at dinner, fell fast asleep during Obama’s recited dog’s breakfast of liberal proposals 40 years past their sell-by date.

That’s not what really happened. A source attached to the court has told Bud Fox News the real story: Continue reading →

Vice President Biden Comes Out of Closet, Doesn’t Realize It

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Biden: Out of the closet in Iowa?!

Vice President Joe Biden hasn’t given a speech of any significance in a long time, if ever. But Thursday he delivered one that still has the nation reeling. Addressing a group of Iowans who were either paid to attend or were prison trustees given no choice in the matter, Biden, who’s been married to his wife Jill for 37 years, wondered aloud:

“Neal Smith,” Biden said, “an old butt buddy. Are you here, Neal? Neal, I miss you man. I miss you.”

Biden’s fondness for Amtrak is well known, but his affection for the 94-year-old Neal Smith, who represented Iowa in Congress from 1959 to 1995, seems to be on an entirely different level. A family member who asked not to be identified but seemed to share Biden’s gift of gobbledygook gab told Bud Fox News: Continue reading →

Itinerary Leaked for Brian Williams’ 6-month Fabulist Vacation

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Canada Bill Jones

Brian Williams might visit District 12 during his Fabulist Vacation. (Photo: Lions Gate Films)

A source at NBC has told Bud Fox News that Brian Williams’ six-month suspension will allow him to work on a project that he’s been pitching to the network for several months. Said the source:

When he first pitched this project, we all thought he was joking, but he was dead serious. The guy is truly ready for the funny farm.

Meant to be a TV travelogue, Williams’ project will show him visiting a number of well known spots and conducting interviews with the locals. According to the source, people knew Williams was a straight-jacket candidate when he spoke about the destinations he had in mind. The source provided Bud Fox News a list of Williams’ proposed destinations. They include the following: Continue reading →