North Korean Leader Returns from Six-week US Holiday

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Where to today, Ted?

Kim Jong-un has returned home and reported for duty according to sources in Pyongyang. The secretive leader had not shown up to work in about six weeks causing a flurry of speculation as to his health and whereabouts.

Bud Fox News has long had “an asset” close to the reclusive leader who spoke to us at length detailing the itinerary of a plushy tour the sybaritic playboy took across America stopping in at Hugh Hefner’s mansion and attending a fund raiser with Jeffrey Katzenberg in Los Angeles, then hitting a round of golf in Palm Springs with President Obama on his way to a riotous weekend in Las Vegas. From there the Dear Leader took in some country living during a week in Montana at Ted Turner’s Flying D ranch, where the two reportedly enjoyed trout fishing and spent several long afternoons on horseback together.

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Porn Star Ron Jeremy Tapped to Head American Apparel

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Ron Jeremy_1

Jeremy: “I’m here to help.”

American Apparel (ticker APP) today announced that porn star Ron “The Hedgehog” Jeremy, patron saint of raincoaters everywhere, will replace interim CEO (and turnaround expert) Scott Brubaker.  Tracked down on the set of his latest film, Clown Porn: The Parody II, Jeremy told Bud Fox News, “I’m excited about this opportunity.  As Allan knows, I really want to stick it to the competition, and if possible, also do an IR DP on them.”  Jeremy added that he likes his chances to accomplish the latter, which, the Hedgehog clarified, is an obscure, racially-integrative maneuver probably known to some victims of ex-CEO Dov Charney’s touchy-feely managerial style. Continue reading →

Microsoft CEO to Women: Is Dinner Ready Yet?

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CEO Of Microsoft Satya Nadella Gives Lecture At Tsinghua University

MSFT CEO Satya Nadella: “Where’s my coffee, wench?!”

Last Thursday, like a scene out of a misogynistic episode of the Twilight Zone, Microsoft (ticker MSFT) CEO Satya Nadella told the audience at, of all places, the Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing conference in Phoenix, Arizona the following:

“It’s not about asking for the raise, but knowing and having faith that the system will actually give you the right raises as you go along…And that, I think might be one of the additional superpowers that quite frankly women who don’t ask for a raise have.  Because that’s good karma.”

Bud Fox News had dispatched female reporter Silence Bellows, equipped with all her superpowers, to cover the conference.  When she approached Nadella after his remarks, he refused to even acknowledge her question, gave her a lecherous version of elevator eyes, and turned away.  He was then overheard screaming the following at a female underling, who was dressed in a skin tight Wonder Woman outfit and towering high heeled boots:  “I told you that I will not speak to female reporters!  They’re unreliable, untrustworthy and unprofessional!” Continue reading →

“Blocking and Tackling”: Financial Expression of the Day

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Blocking and tackling

Bankers love that good jock talk.

“Blocking and tackling,” gerund, the fundamentals or basics.  Usage note:  Several erudite sociologists have noted that the rarefied world of investment banking is made up of two main types- those who wish they were traders and those who wish they were athletes.  Today’s expression is a favorite for those who fall in the latter camp.  A vice president, when giving instructions to a sleep-deprived, drooling associate about a worthless presentation that the client will never look at but will keep the ill-used associate in the office until about 3 a.m., might say:  “We really need to watch our blocking and tackling on this pitch.”

 

Is ESPN’s Trent Dilfer Moonlighting at Goldman Sachs?

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Trent Dilfer

Who…

Lloyd Blankfein

…is who?

Reader Evan Keel recently brought to the attention of Bud Fox News the uncanny resemblance between Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein and former NFL quarterback and current ESPN commentator Trent Dilfer.  But according to a Goldman employee who asked to remain anonymous, the Blankfein-Dilfer connection has actually been a closely-guarded secret at the firm since shortly after July 9, 2008, when Dilfer announced his retirement from the NFL.  According to our source, that’s when Dilfer apparently began moonlighting as a body-double for Blankfein when he travels to potentially dangerous areas like the Middle East, San Francisco, or Berkeley.

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“Shop”: Financial Expression of the Day

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Note:  In attempt to familiarize our less financially savvy readers with the argot of the Wall Street world, Bud Fox News is introducing the Financial Expression of the Day (sometimes referred to as “FEotD”).

Blacksmith

“It’s a decent fixed income shop.”

Shop, noun, a financial firm or operation of some sort.  Usage note: Not to be confused with “boutique,” an overused formulation that certainly deserves its own discussion, shop is a ridiculous but versatile term of insincere understatement. Continue reading →

Tom Watson Sucker-Punches Nice Old Lady

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Tom Watson faces assault charges after he allegedly knocked a 73 year-old woman unconscious.

Having beaten a hasty retreat from the Ryder Cup imbroglio back to his tranquil hometown of Stilwell, Kansas, Tom “Captain Queeg” Watson, 65, allegedly struck Kitty Peed, 73, his partner in a local charity badminton tournament that was held yesterday in a church parking lot. Eyewitnesses claim that the hyper-competitive Watson was infuriated because he and Peed had been routed in four consecutive games. After the fourth loss, a sloppy 21-7 drubbing, Watson allegedly screamed at her: “You stink at foursomes“ which, in a macabre twist, is exactly what he told the US Ryder Cup team on Saturday, September 27, after a disappointing day for the team, which he captained. When Peed meekly replied that she was trying her best, Watson apparently flew into a rage and struck the septuagenarian with a wicked right hook, knocking the woman unconscious. Peed was rushed to the hospital, where she remains. She is being treated for a broken jaw and a concussion. Watson was arrested on the scene. Continue reading →

In Shocking Wave of Confessions, Finance Industry Admits it’s Nugatory

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In a wave of self-incriminating and self-deprecating public statements, Financial Services executives, Hedge Fund managers, and other so-called money gurus have decided to come clean with the public at large about the feckless nature of the industry. The confessions themselves and the speed with which they began appearing have shocked industry observers. Continue reading →

General Motors to Recall Every Car Ever Made…by Any Automaker

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General Motors (ticker GM) has announced that it will recall every car and truck in the United States ever made…by any automaker.  The company recalled 2.6 million cars in February because of faulty ignition switches.  In all, the company has recalled a New-Coke-ish 29 million cars in North America this year.  Said CEO Mary “No such thing as bad publicity” Barra, who drives a Lexus, “If you drive a car or truck of any make or model, it’s officially been recalled today.  Whatever’s wrong with it is probably GM’s fault.  Get off the road before it’s too late.”  Barra, who began her career at GM as a college intern in 1980 but amazingly claims that she only learned of the ignition switch problem in December 2013, kindly opted not to attend her daily Liars Anonymous meeting in order to speak with Bud Fox News. Continue reading →

Bill Gross and Jeffrey Gundlach to Launch Adult Film Production Company

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A press release today announced the creation of BJ Films, a new adult film production company co-founded by Bill Gross, who recently pulled out of PIMCO, and Jeff “The Godfather” Gundlach, who runs DoubleLine Capital. The company will release its first movie, Bond-age, next month. Continue reading →