New York Jets Coach Rex Ryan to Wear Mittens Vs. Bills to Prevent Middle Finger Slip-Up

Posted on November 18, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Rex Ryan, here in happier times, will wear mittens against the Bills to prevent the inevitable Middle Finger Salute.

This Sunday, when the Buffalo Bills host the New York Jets for a game that kicks off at 1 PM, the weather forecast calls for rain and a temperature of about 50 degrees, not that cold, especially if you’re a hardened, foul-mouthed pro football coach. But don’t be surprised when you see Jets coach Rex Ryan wearing mittens for the entire game. Ryan spoke about the decision with Bud Fox News’ Silence Bellows:

“I kind of let my emotions get the better of me at the end of the Pittsburgh game. I shouldn’t have said what I did and I apologize if I offended anyone. For the rest of the season, I’ve really got to try harder to keep it together. Woody [Jets owner Woody Johnson] and I had a real good talk about it. And we decided that just to make sure I don’t flip off any of the refs, maybe it’s best if I wear mittens against the Bills.”

The irrepressible Ryan couldn’t help but add: Continue reading →

Alex Rodriguez Interning at Pfizer to Prepare for 2015 MLB Season

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

On his lunch break recently outside a Pfizer lab, A-Rod hopes his internship will help with his comeback.

Alex Rodriguez, who will turn 40 in July, knows that he has a lot to prove in the coming baseball season. The 3-time MVP and 14-time all-star also knows that a lot of people will be rooting against him. So to do everything in his power to prepare for the 2015 baseball campaign, the steroid lightening rod, who was suspended for the entire 2014 season, is currently in the middle of a three-month internship in the synthetic testosterone division of Pfizer (ticker PFE).

According to a lab technician who worked with A-Rod when the 5-time AL home run champ started at Pfizer: “He really hit the ground running. I was shocked. Alex has a graduate school level understanding of chemistry.” Continue reading →

GQ Says: Pinkie Rings for Everyone?!

Posted on November 10, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

GQ says: Don’t be a mook, get a pinkie ring.

Yes, that’s right. To the bewilderment of the Bud Fox News’ editorial board, GQ Magazine, in its November issue (yes, the same edition that’s pushing harem pants), asks men to reconsider the signet, or pinkie, ring:

Chances are your dad’s dad’s dad had a signet ring with his initials or family crest on it. He may have even dipped his in wax and stamped his mail with it—that’s what the flat top was for. Then the signet ring became a mafioso staple. Now, finally, it’s got a sense of humor. Like all the other men’s jewelry that’s come back in style, the new signets are masculine but self-aware—less likely to sport your monogram, more likely to drop an F-bomb. Find one that fits your personality and do your best to refrain from asking folks to kiss the ring.

Zoda Viola Gazola, Professor of Fashion Design at The Girls’ Technical Institute and College for Women, was unimpressed:

“An F-bomb inscription? Well, now, that’s elegant. You know, this rag of a magazine comes out monthly, so now the name is officially completely wrong. It’s not a quarterly. And it’s clearly not for gentlemen.” Continue reading →

GQ Magazine Says: It’s Slim Fit Hammertime!

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

ankle-deep-style-gq-magazine-november-2014

Slim fit Hammertime!

In a recommendation that Bud Fox News hopes men everywhere will ignore, GQ Magazine, in its November issue, encourages readers to embrace their inner genies:

Until recently, you had exactly two options with your cuffs: You rolled ’em up or you rolled ’em down. But in 2014, all the menswear hypebeasts started wearing sweatpants with tapered elastic bottoms that became a newfangled fashion statement. Now designers are stitching those same cuffs onto chinos and cargos and even suit trousers. The result: A quirky detail that gives even conservative khakis a little street-style edge. Continue reading →

Jos. A. Bank Announces It Will Not Have a Sale This Weekend

Posted on November 4, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Bank’s: Our customers deserve our sales to end.

In a shocking announcement, Jos. A. Bank Clothiers (ticker JOSB), known for its nearly constant sales, has announced that it will not have a sale this weekend. A company spokesman explained:

“As a service to our loyal customers, we have decided not to have a sale this weekend. We always listen to what our customers have to say, and they have made it clear they want this. And we agree with them. They deserve the clarity of knowing that they will pay the full price as marked on the ticket. No more need to do any difficult calculations in your head, just come on in and pay full price.” Continue reading →

Pitt Kicker Misses Game-Winner, Becomes Fugitive

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Blewitt missed the kick and now’s he’s Fugitive.

With two seconds left in regulation, Chris Blewitt missed a 26-yard field-goal attempt that would have given host University of Pittsburgh a victory over No. 24 Duke this past Saturday. After Duke went on to score two touchdowns in overtime to escape with a 51-48 win, Blewitt knew there was a bullet on his back. So what did he do? He told Bud Fox News: Continue reading →

Steve Ballmer’s $1 Billion Windfall Will Revamp Clippers Cheerleading Squad

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Sir Jams Fishpaste

LOS ANGELES – Steve “I’m Goin’ Crazy” Ballmer may have finally shown the business acumen that was missing for over 13 years as head of Microsoft Corp (Ticker MSFT).

The former Microsoft CEO became the Los Angeles Clippers new owner when he purchased the basketball franchise from the embattled Donald Sterling for an eye-popping $2 billion back in August- a sum equal to about four times the next highest franchise price ever paid.

Naturally, most observers thought it was just another in a long line of bad ideas stretching back through his Microsoft days (think MSN smart watch, Windows Vista, Windows CE, Zune, and even ‘Clippy’, that horribly annoying paper-clip cartoon that would pop up every time you attempted to do one thing in an MS Office application).

But all that skepticism was unwarranted it turns out. According to a recent article in the Financial Times, Ballmer will likely be able to get $1 Billion in tax breaks on his Clippers deal over the next 15 years owing to some sneaky, little understood accounting treatments. Continue reading →

Hillary Clinton to Replace Roger Goodell as NFL Commissioner at End of Current Season

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

NFL Commissioner-elect Hillary Clinton showing the pass interference signal.

At a press conference this morning, current NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s first announcement was like hearing football’s top executive fart out loud: He will step down at the end of this season. But his second announcement…well, not only could you hear him squeeze one out, you could catch the odor all the way in the back of the room: Hillary Clinton will be his replacement. By the time the former Secretary of State was introduced and stood beside him on stage, even the most jaded sportswriter in attendance was in a state of shock. Continue reading →

Sephora Admits: We Put Same Fragrance in All Our Men’s Colognes for Last Three Years

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Sephora: It’s all the same in the end.

In a remarkable job of investigative journalism, Bud Fox News reporter Silence Bellows has discovered that Sephora, the chain of cosmetics stores owned by LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton, has been filling all the bottles of men’s cologne sold in its US stores with the same fragrance for the last three years. Continue reading →

Yankees Extend Mark Teixeira through 2030

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Canada Bill Jones

Teixeira, here in his Broadway debut in Rock of Ages, is laughing all the way to the bank.

The first thing that Yankees general manager Brian Cashman did after the team gave him a new three-year contract was to get down on his knees and thank God that the organization decided to reward recent mediocrity. His second move, Bud Fox News learned this morning, was to sign Mark Teixeira to a contract extension through 2030, at which time the first baseman, who probably couldn’t hit to the opposite field off Mo’ne Davis, the 13-year-old girl from Philadelphia who starred in this summer’s Little League World Series, will be 50 years old. Continue reading →